It’s been two and a half years since I first attempted to end my life. I was 17 years old and going through a “rough patch”. My brother had died earlier that year and I was pretty much completely numb. Nobody really knew. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I hadn’t been thinking about it up to that point. I just remember getting home from school and looking in the mirror and just deciding that I couldn’t live anymore. That was that. I was done. I took a leftover bottle of pain pills I’d been taking for an injury and washed it down with a bottle of alcohol before bed. I remember looking at my ceiling and feeling such relief. I felt like the weight of my world was lifted and I was free.
I woke up the next morning. I’ve never felt such an ache in my heart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more disappointment in my life, before or since. Then, I got up, got ready and went to school. No one ever found out.
I never dealt with it. I’m not trying it again anytime soon. I’ve found things that have made life worth living and of that I’m grateful. But, I still think about it.
I think about death almost constantly. Where most girls are planning their weddings, I’ve planned my funeral down to the playlist. I constantly think about my death. I’m not scared to die. I wish I could stop thinking about it.
I started cutting a while back. I’m not even sure why. It didn’t feel good. I don’t like pain. It was just an escape. I could feel it. Feeling is a big thing for me since I consider myself pretty much incapable of having feelings. I’m currently trying to stop and it stresses me out.
You could say I’m recovering. I don’t think it’s as much recovering as it is suppressing the issue and pretending it never happened. But, I can honestly say I’ve embraced life and I think I’ll stick around as long as I can.
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Sending you very big safe hugs. Wow. I can not imagine the depth of pain you must have felt when your brother died. I have 2 brothers and if anything happened to either of them, my world would shatter.
I also hear you when you said how disapointed you were when you woke up after thinking you would be free of the pain. I have also done that and it was a bad feeling for sure.
It sounds like you might be stuck emotionally and have not walked through the pain from your brother’s death? I know that is my main problem with why I want life to be over with – I got stuck and was not allowed to be angry or sad about things that were killing my soul.
When a person is stuck like this, they can not move forward. It takes a great amount of courage to allow yourself to grieve and mourn. Cutting is just your emotional person crying out saying “HELP! I am in pain and it needs to come out!”
Death does end the suffering. We all know that. But life can really be a precious gift and a miracle really. Even when it stinks and hurts. The ability of the heart to hurt so deeply because a brother dies is proof that this is a miracle. If you allow yourself to process through the grief, there will be a new freedom on the other side of it. Hard to explain this – but I have experienced it as I move through the different trauma events with my therapist. But it is true. And once you allow yourself the right to cry out fully with all your soul, well you may find that you are glad you did wake up that next morning.
Tender big hugs to you – one soul to another.