I wish I were dead.

Hi.

Your post struck me right in the heart. I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way.

I can understand that you are mad at him, and you sound like you are mad at yourself too.

Please don’t be. We are all humans. We aren’t perfect. We make mistakes. Sometimes we do something we aren’t sure about, and later we realise that it feels wrong.

I don’t judge you in any way for having the abortion. I totally support every woman’s right to her own body, and to have abortions.

I’m not saying your abortion was wrong, but it sounds like you feel it was.

Also, I can hear that you are grieving for the baby you lost. This is a perfectly natural reaction. It is a healthy process, it is your way of dealing with a crisis.

You can’t get that baby back, and over time, I believe you will begin to live with that. But your baby isn’t “blaming” you. I’m afraid the fetus is gone, and it doesn’t blame you one way or the other.

I really believe there is a chance to learn a lot of valuable things from this experience. Maybe you have learned that your boyfriend isn’t as mature at the moment as you thought he was. This might change, we all grow and develop. But you and your boyfriend HAVE to be able to communicate. This is really important.

Also, your “friend” doesn’t sound very mature either. The fact that he/she is refusing to speak with you when you are feeling the very worst is evidence of this. This is when friendship really counts. But he/she might change too, and mature, and learn from his/her mistakes.

But if your boyfriend and “friend” won’t help, it is CRUCIAL that you get hold of someone who will. You need someone to seriously listen to you and to help you go forward from here. You need to handpick whoever helps you. The only criterion that counts is that when you talk to them you feel understood, and you feel relieved, and you feel helped.

You write that you hope little one comes back. Even though I doubt this will happen physically, I support you in keeping his or her memory alive, of talking to him or her if that feels right to you. Even though you have lost, you can still treasure what you have lost.

About the cutting, please don’t criticise yourself for this. This is one of your ways of coping, and if you do it in a safe way, you’ll be alright. Maybe, one day, you’ll feel so much better inside, that you won’t need it anymore.

I do believe it will probably get better. I’m no fortune-teller, but I’m getting several things from your post:

1) You sound mature and bright.

2) You are aware of your feelings, which is really good.

3) You sound like a nice person.

4) You explain your situation with great clarity.

5) You have reached out, by posting here.

This makes me believe that you are a strong and able-minded (is that a word?) person who has a good chance of getting through this, and of contributing in a very positive way to this world.

Finally, I would like to recommend that you treat yourself to doing something you enjoy, something you are good at, or which feels right, together with people you enjoy and like. And that you do this very regularly. You sound like you are going through a very rough patch, and you need something positive in your life to keep you going and to heal you.

If you want to talk, you are VERY welcome to e-mail me at muspelhem(at)hotmail.com.

My very best wishes and good luck plus a virtual hug 🙂

-Daniel

P.S. Hope you’ll let us know how you are coping. 🙂