Not sure what is not allowed on this site? So I guess talking about stuff that is real is ok?
This is my life in a bleeping nutshell…
Sorry if it is too graphic or whatever… I just am trying to reach out for help I guess.
Thank you – whoever you are out there.
See, I have a therapist and he is great. But he has a workshop today and Friday. So I already emailed him once but said I would try other support tools. I use a support website a lot -but this is something I can’t talk about on there.
I told my T yesterday about it though. But two days ago, I tried to end my life by hanging. The funny part (to me) is that I used old underwear elastic. I thought it would be good enough to work because I was practicing with it for a few months when the bad trauma healing pain was going on. But it was not strong enough and tore with my weight. Funny to me that I messed up the one thing I thought I had some control over! Oh well. So here I still am and the pain is not gone.
I am a 40 yr old white female in the USA. Have a female partner who was also a victim of CSA. But not sexually active for 2 yrs now. I was raped when I was 4 yrs old by a friend of my father’s who traded his daughter to my dad who is a convicted pedophile. Blah blah blah. Anyway, my whole life until I was 18 was full of trauma and just staying alive. I have DX of DID but have been trying to get my alters blended into my system as a whole. I am almost done. I have been on short term disability from work for 3 months now as I totally lost it at work one day – happened to be the day I was going to hang myself at work anyway (was going to do it on a break ) ((seriously, I wonder about my mind! )). But I have been seeing my T since July of last year. Before 2 yrs ago, I was doing GREAT after being in therapy for 4 yrs in college. I have a degree and stable job in IT. Everyone from the outside of me looks at me and all they see is a happy girl who sometimes shocks them when she tells them a little bit about her past.
When I was 17, I was being abused by a man who later would be my ex. He actually was a sociopath and tried to kill me by starvation. Let me eat only frozen generic bread! I was with him for 6 months before I escaped with the help of a lady who was 13 yrs older than me and had sexually molested me starting when I was 11yrs old. But at 17 I overdosed and had to get my stomach pumped. It sucked. And my dad that same night asked me when I was going to get married! Ugggg!! He was picked up though a month later for his pedophilia with a girl my mom had been babysitting. I actually had walked in on one of the times he was doing it but an alter hid that from me.
Anyway – sorry this is just too long. But just a month ago while doing the last of my trauma work, my final alter started showing me something that has sent me over the edge. I think I saw my dad start to molest a girl in a bathroom when I was about 5-7 yrs old and then she fell and hit her head and I think she was dead maybe but I think he put her in a garbage bag and told me he found a dead dog on the road and we had to go burry it. And I think I saw him chop her up into pieces in our cellar. UGGGGGGGGG
I told my T and we are working through the memory but my alter told me he told me at the time it was just a story. He is fighting to protect me. And now I don’t know if it is a flashback that is real or maybe all mixed up bits from stuff or if it never happened! And T said if I am ever ready, he has someone he can contact to see if maybe any girls were missing in the area at that time. My dad now has cancer and is in his 80’s and I think he will die this year anyway. Not that I care. I was a daddy’s girl though for most of my life. UGGGGGG
I just feel so so alone and lost with all of this. I do not really have any family I am close to because I moved several states away from all them. I have no children. And I am not being sexual with my partner. There is just no reason for me to keep on living. I promised T I would not self harm and I will keep that promise because I respect him so much. But my soul feels like it is just on fire and I feel so so alone and lost inside in a way I can’t begin to describe.
Me
3 comments
Hey.
Your life sounds like absolute hell. But I’ll try and offer some reasons why I think you should live on:
1) You sound like a good person. Some people are fucked up, but the more sensible people we keep on board, the better the world will be. What I mean is: “Please stay, we need your kind!”.
2) We’re all going to die anyhow. Why not stay and see how it ends?
3) You might miss some good days if you leave.
4) Stuff might get better.
5) Definitely don’t go before completing a Bucket List!
Obviously, to live on, life needs to feel tolerable. So you need MORE and BETTER help than you are getting now. You need intelligent, sensitive helpers, and (as always) good listeners. It’s a good job you have your T.
Also, you need to do more stuff you enjoy, and stuff you are good at. You need to find people you really like, and you need to see them regularly. If you don’t have a family, you’ll have to find great friends.
But above all, I think you need to listen to your intuition, and to do what is right for you.
‘Cause I’m just throwing advice at you that has worked for me…
I wish you good luck, and I’m sorry you’ve been treated so horribly, nobody should have to go through that. You definitely deserve the rest of your life to be enjoyable.
If you want input from others, apart from what your heart tells you, I’d recommend “The 7 Habits” by Stephen R. Covey and this website:
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx
I wish you all the best! 😀
-Daniel
Daniel,
Thank you for the reply. I was not sure if anyone would even bother to read this. So thank you for your time.
Yeah, life stunk a lot of the time. But I know the sky turns blue sometimes and the grass smells good sometimes. So I keep on keeping on.
We
I really need to talk to somebody right now. But I don’t know what to say. It’s not fair that because of the fucked up things other people do to us, we end up fucked up . I mean, like I know I am, in the head. My father, my families friends, uncles, and a cousin, not to mention, 3 very evil men from DC, get to molest and rape and we suffer. I was seriously assaulted several months ago, by an ex who supposedly loved me. Now I have metal in my face and screws, I can’t seem to quit dwelling on it, I guess. That’s what my other friend says. He says I want to be back with him. Actually, it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have him come pick me up to appease him. Two jealous men. One’s in prison, and I do miss him. I forgive him, he wasn’t thinking clearly that night cause he started drinking and thinking. The one here now, drinks every night. He thinks I’m supposed to let this go. The one in prison I’ve been with off and on for 11-12 yrs. He was my best friend. I didn’t press charges, the state did. My mama passed over in 2008, my daddy violated me, every chance he could, and lied on me. My friend in prison caught him, and was trying to get in the house to him, finally I had proof. I really hate my life, I don’t have anything or anybody to live for. My chihuahua, Nathan, had a seizure earlier, he had $5,100 surgery in 2008 to cut part of his skull out that was pressing on his spinal chord…He’s almost 12, if I lose him, too. That’s it for me. I have family really close, but they don’t give a f–k about me, I saw my sister the other day for the first time in months, she thinks she’s got such a hard life cause she has a 3 yr old son, but she should be thankful she has a home and a car pd for, along with her baby’s daddy, she gets cks for her and the baby, and her boyfriend just got a huge worker’s comp settlemt, I don’t mean to sound like I’m being envious, but I don’t have any of that. I’m not sure if I’m gonna have somewhere to stay from one day to the next because I didn’t become my roommate’s girlfriend, the one here says, we can’t just be friends, we hafta be girlfriend and boyfriend. That’s what the one in prison wanted- I guess if I just die, none of them will have to worry about it anymore. The guy who assaulted me knows me best, my roommate and the one here, don’t know who the fuck they are dealing with, and they question my ways, my moods, well, if you fucking really knew me you’d already know what then…. I need comforting, and there’s nobody left I’m comfortable with, I’m all alone, just struggling day to day, who’s gonna flip on me next? They question why I act a certain way for example, well, this is me, if you fucking don’t like it, leave me the fuck alone already, I’m tired of the mental abuse, It’s not fair that if I don’t wanna be with somebody in a romantic way, I can just drop dead, pretty much. I might not be making any sense, I’m irate. I’m tired, I’ve gotta keep an eye on my dog. I need my mama, I’m 37 yrs old with no job, no car, no children… I have men friends, they all have ulterior motives, I think. God, this is so stupid, They make me contemplate suicide everyday. When will I feel at home again? I don’t fit in anywhere. Sorry for complaining, but I just don’t belong here, I’ve felt lost ever since mama died, and lost my whole world. I have Bipolar, along with many other psychiatric disorders. Maybe that’s why I can’t do anything right. I just keep rambling to keep from thinking, Thank you for reading, can somebody tell me how to get on with my life, I’m stuck, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. It hurts too much.