No clue

April 22nd, 2010by WePow

Not sure what is not allowed on this site? So I guess talking about stuff that is real is ok?

This is my life in a bleeping nutshell…
Sorry if it is too graphic or whatever… I just am trying to reach out for help I guess.

Thank you – whoever you are out there.

See, I have a therapist and he is great. But he has a workshop today and Friday. So I already emailed him once but said I would try other support tools. I use a support website a lot -but this is something I can’t talk about on there.

I told my T yesterday about it though. But two days ago, I tried to end my life by hanging. The funny part (to me) is that I used old underwear elastic. I thought it would be good enough to work because I was practicing with it for a few months when the bad trauma healing pain was going on. But it was not strong enough and tore with my weight. Funny to me that I messed up the one thing I thought I had some control over! Oh well. So here I still am and the pain is not gone.

I am a 40 yr old white female in the USA. Have a female partner who was also a victim of CSA. But not sexually active for 2 yrs now. I was raped when I was 4 yrs old by a friend of my father’s who traded his daughter to my dad who is a convicted pedophile. Blah blah blah. Anyway, my whole life until I was 18 was full of trauma and just staying alive. I have DX of DID but have been trying to get my alters blended into my system as a whole. I am almost done. I have been on short term disability from work for 3 months now as I totally lost it at work one day – happened to be the day I was going to hang myself at work anyway (was going to do it on a break ) ((seriously, I wonder about my mind! )). But I have been seeing my T since July of last year. Before 2 yrs ago, I was doing GREAT after being in therapy for 4 yrs in college. I have a degree and stable job in IT. Everyone from the outside of me looks at me and all they see is a happy girl who sometimes shocks them when she tells them a little bit about her past.

When I was 17, I was being abused by a man who later would be my ex. He actually was a sociopath and tried to kill me by starvation. Let me eat only frozen generic bread! I was with him for 6 months before I escaped with the help of a lady who was 13 yrs older than me and had sexually molested me starting when I was 11yrs old. But at 17 I overdosed and had to get my stomach pumped. It sucked. And my dad that same night asked me when I was going to get married! Ugggg!! He was picked up though a month later for his pedophilia with a girl my mom had been babysitting. I actually had walked in on one of the times he was doing it but an alter hid that from me.

Anyway – sorry this is just too long. But just a month ago while doing the last of my trauma work, my final alter started showing me something that has sent me over the edge. I think I saw my dad start to molest a girl in a bathroom when I was about 5-7 yrs old and then she fell and hit her head and I think she was dead maybe but I think he put her in a garbage bag and told me he found a dead dog on the road and we had to go burry it. And I think I saw him chop her up into pieces in our cellar. UGGGGGGGGG

I told my T and we are working through the memory but my alter told me he told me at the time it was just a story. He is fighting to protect me. And now I don’t know if it is a flashback that is real or maybe all mixed up bits from stuff or if it never happened! And T said if I am ever ready, he has someone he can contact to see if maybe any girls were missing in the area at that time. My dad now has cancer and is in his 80’s and I think he will die this year anyway. Not that I care. I was a daddy’s girl though for most of my life. UGGGGGG

I just feel so so alone and lost with all of this. I do not really have any family I am close to because I moved several states away from all them. I have no children. And I am not being sexual with my partner. There is just no reason for me to keep on living. I promised T I would not self harm and I will keep that promise because I respect him so much. But my soul feels like it is just on fire and I feel so so alone and lost inside in a way I can’t begin to describe.

Me

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