So I finally move out of a horrible living situation and move into a new apartment and bam! I find a roach in my bathroom, albeit small one, but still, a roach.
Derailed my whole “new reality” I was trying to create. Lame. Deflated.
So a couple of weeks ago I told my mother I had a psychologist put the diagnostic manual to my brain and it turned out I have borderline personality disorder and severe depression. She told me not to take such tests. Good advice. But when I told her I was on anti-depressants at one point–a year prior, early 2009–and had to get off them because I was suicidal, she didn’t flip out. She didn’t sound too concerned, which I thought such suicide-talk would make her flip given her emotionality for such things over her lifetime…so I took this as permission. After all, she is the only person I am hanging around for at this point.
So I hate living in this ghetto. I had tunnel vision moving here, in haste, and now I am regretting it. A 7 month lease. My skin is crawling. So I call my mom, again, a couple of days ago because she has killed many roaches in her day, and she gave me the run-down that I already knew about roaches (I was just worried and wanted to hear her solutions) and she also said “and don’t visit me, I love you but I don’t love you that much” because roaches hide in your clothes and baggage and such and we both know this. She was kidding but not really, she hates roaches as much as I do, we grew up in SoCal.
So here I am in this roach motel and I can’t bring myself to see any sunny side to this. There is no continuum for me. If there is one roach it is an infestation. I am disgusted.
So I got my permission.
Permission. The despair and sadness that I foresaw/imagined that my mother might have in the event of my early passing is no longer and issue…at least that is what I am telling myself now There is no need to go on. I am having an early mid-life crisis. And to cap it all off, which has been an issue for eons, I have no one. I have no significant man or woman that is, well, significant (I am bisexual), and worse yet, no prospects in acquiring someone like that in my life. So what’s the point?
I am just a 30 something bisexual person with borderline personality disorder, roaches in my bathroom, and a mother that is ho-hum about my existence.
So if you know this song by Faith No More it goes something like this:
Go on and wring my neck
Like when a rag gets wet
A little discipline
For my pet genius
My head is like lettuce
Go on dig your thumbs in
I cannot stop giving in
I’m thirty-something
Written by Mike Patton I think, called “Mid-Life Crisis”. Anyway, if you have ever played GTA San Andreas this song is featured on the radio as you drive around the city; the haunting thing is what the DJ says, concerning a mid-life crisis: at the end of the song she says “I will never hit one of those, that’s what suicide is for.” Being who I am I cannot agree more, yet I am in it and I didn’t do before all of this agony.
I haven’t achieved. The world covets, people covet, all this material bullcrap possessions, I have never really cared until I found a roach in my bathroom. Now I am what all those who covet say I am. I live in the ghetto. And I am without anyone. Adrift. And for what? I tried to create the reality I sought, selfishness and all and even more so now so I can escape. But escape to what?
It’s the world we live on/in. I am not a slave, I have found remedies to debt, remedies to slavery, which has been effective, here and there. But I don’t wish to take part any longer, in anything. I wish to just leave. Peaceably. Things are going down soon anyway. California may just roll off into the ocean. So why not just leave before the show?
“God doesn’t make the world this way, we do.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwsua8DdkOg
It is so true. I tried to manifest a different reality, it didn’t work out. There are too many people. Too many f-wads that wish to crush and berate and mock the competition. I have had it! If this world truly sucks how can anyone, much less God, blame anyone for punching their ticket early! Humans interpreting God’s negative-view for things such as suicide are stupid! Stupid I tell you! The energy source that created all that is isn’t vengeful. He gave us the keys to the castle, whether or not we chose to piss on it or not is moot. And whether we get sick of it and leave early makes not a bit of difference! If anything suicides must be treated with greater care once they pass because we are more sensitive than the rest of the zombies that think that continuing this futility is a good idea.
10 comments
I love Faith No More. Not sure if you’re still in SoCal but I hear they’re playing at Coachella this year.
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. She doesn’t want me to visit either. Until my current apartment I’ve never seen a roach in my life. I didn’t see any for like 9 months then we got a new neighbour and suddenly it’s now an issue. My landlord sprayed the place twice and gave me boric acid and roach motels. I haven’t seen one since. I would tell your landlord about it and ask them to spray.
People in real life who know me think I’m depressed and bipolar. I’m afraid to seek professional help about it as I don’t want to be documented or require medication. I keep trying to beat this on my own but I’m still rather miserable.
So you said you are trying to create a new reality? Can you elaborate on that? I might be on the brink of trying that myself because my current life just isn’t working.
I was living with a roommate last month whom I desperately needed to get away from, since August 2009 when I had enough of his verbal abuse. I was tied to the lease, with him, and now I am free, and sought to create a new reality, one of which I would be happy, but I am not. I just don’t see the point anymore. Staying alive just to make a handful of people not uncomfortable. It’s bullshit.
Life is hard. I have considered doing something about it for a long time. The only thing that has stopped me many, many times is the belief that God has me here for a reason and I believe that suicide is an unforgivable sin and as bad as this life might be, Hell will be even worse and it won’t end. I know many people do not share religious beliefs, but the way I look at it, if I am wrong I’ll never know, but if I am right then I’m safe.
I come from a very, very abusive childhood. My dad did not work, beat me with anything he could get his hands on – metal pipes, rocks, tools, electrical wire, I even had a 4×4 post broke across my back once – and we also had the luxury of being dirt poor on top of that. My mom was the only bright point in my life. She was too weak to escape the abuse, but she always comforted and loved me without exception. Still, its been very hard. I attempted suicide several times, starting at around 12 years old. The last attempt was roughly 4 years ago and it would have succeeded had my rifle not misfired. I met my wife about 3 years ago, and my stepkids. Roughly a year and a half ago I lost a very nice job due to budget cuts thanks to the economy, and 2 days later my Mother very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. We moved, at my wife’s insistence, to help take care of my Dad. We lived with him and my brother for about 2 months when he went too far accusing my 5 year old of being the cause of my brother running over a kitten and killing it, so we left. We stayed in a very bad, very rundown place for more than a year, until we could move. My wife ended up doing 2 stints in a psych ward for depression and bipolar. We have just recently moved and things are getting better, but its still very, very hard sometimes. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have a wife, a 3 year old, and a 7 year old that rely on me. As bad as things get, I know I have to be strong for them. It doesn’t make the thoughts go away. Doesn’t make me quit wanting to just let it all go and maybe see my Mom again and tell her all the things I wish I had said to her while she was alive. It just gives me a little more strength to make it through another minute, another hour, another day. You have to find a reason. There’s one there, I am sure. I found this place because I was thinking about suicide again. I won’t do it, but like I said, when it gets bad the thoughts come back to the surface and my wife flipped out again last night and that always breaches my defenses. She can be very abusive as well, throwing things, breaking things, and she has hit me. But, again, I know there are 2 kids who need me, and my wife needs me as well, she’s just having it hard too. Sorry this has gone on so long about me when I meant to share a little bit and hopefully help you out. Just try and find your reason. Could be a friend, a family member, a pet. Someone somewhere needs you. I would imagine your Mom has no concept of how bad things really are with you, or simply lacks the resources to process it well. Maybe have a long serious talk with her? I hope you find the strength to fight this and go on. Best wishes.
I’m just wondering what it is like to live with borderline personality disorder. I think that’s what I have but everyone around says “it’s just a part of being a teenager”. So I want to hear from a real person what it is like to have it. What thoughts do you have? Anything, whatever you want to tell me about how you live from day to day with that disorder. I’m giving a little more meaning to you’re life in doing this. I’m trying to help you, and help myself in the same way. I would much appreciate a reply.
What a great thread. I agree with everyone on here so far with what their point of view is. I’ve been a bit of a bolar pear myself lately, and when I’m up at the north pole my point of view there is a reason to keep on, at least one really, those moments are what have been sustaining me so far. But when it’s time to head back down to the south pole, which has been occurring several times a week lately, well those are the times where I will end it, and that’s sort of permanent so no more vacations to the north pole after that. I don’t know, I’m torn between Z and JKelly’s perspectives. I’ll promise you one thing though, and this I know for sure, if life doesn’t start getting better for me, I will *prophetically puts finger in the air*, kill myself. I was an inch away from doing it yesterday actually I would’ve done it, if I had had the means I would have that is. But my method wasn’t on hand so I wrote a poem instead. It was sort of fun. Things are a bit on the ghetto side here too, I awoke to a fricken uzi going off at 3 am not even half a mile away, it sounded so loud metallic and hellish, I felt like I was in Terminator II or something. And now even army helicopters are flying slow and low over the area. I mean, fuck this, seriously. This planet had the potential to be a great place, it coulda been a contenda, it’s a shame what life has become for all of us. Hardly worth living now. But, if life gets better for me at all I’ll stick around. If not, nope, I just no longer see surviving at all costs so sacred any more.
I almost hate to argue the other side of the issue here because I am so often on the side of the fence that just wants to give in. I think that do something so permanent and irreversible as ending your life without really ever being in the right state of mind to make that kind of decision is tragic, though. I know in my deepest darkest of depressions I have had thoughts, reactions, emotions, etc that normally are not me. When I finally come out of it, its like it was another person altogether, and often I am ashamed at how I behaved. I don’t think any decision I could make in that state would be a very good one because its not a good representation of who I am. Knowing this helps me when I am severely depressed. I know that I have pushed myself beyond limits I thought that I had many times, and I keep wondering how much further I can push until I break, but I am going to fight it until literally my last breath. When I am hurt deeply, or incredibly stressed out (as now in my life), suicide is one of the first things that come to mind. I don’t mean that I idly consider it, or develop these elaborate suicide fantasies that I know I’ll never go through on, but I seriously consider the actions and the consequences and very seriously debate it with myself. A couple times I nearly failed. As I said earlier, I really did try to and shoot myself once. I have an SKS military assault rifle, uses the bullets as an M-16. I had it sitting beside my desk for quite a while with 1 shell in it, because I had been weeks contemplating suicide. My week literally consisted of working 12-16 hour days (because I didn’t want to be home alone where I could think about my life) coming home and going straight to bed. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. On Friday night when I’d leave work, I’d go get enough beer and liquor to get me through the weekend. Drink til I passed out. Wake up, repeat. Do that to get through the weekend, then start all over Monday. One of those weekends I decided the hurt wasn’t worth it anymore. Put the rifle under my chin, sat there a couple minutes, then pulled the trigger. Click. It misfired. That click scared me sober. It still in my mind, is one of the loudest sounds I’ve ever heard because I fully expected to be dead or in pain momentarily instead. Before that, I decided to drive my truck into a concrete wall that formed a tunnel beneath a train track. I got it up around 80mph and just before I was going to swerve into the wall I realized I had my seat belt on, and started laughing at the absurdity of the situation and turned around and went home. I am glad I failed in both cases. Life IS worth living. There are moments of pain, and moments of pleasure. You can’t have one without the other because they define each other. Your friends can help. Your families can help. Hell, even a random stranger may help. No matter what your beliefs, thousands or more years have passed, generation to generation, to make you who you are. To end that prematurely is to dishonor every ancestor that helped make you who you are, so if you can’t think of any other reason to live then use that one. I know how bad it can get. I have been there. I often go back. I know what its like to LIKE to feel that way because for so long I was convinced that it was the only emotion I could feel, and better to feel that than nothing at all. Things can and will change. Its not easy. It will be a struggle. But we are strong, and we are capable to do whatever we set our minds to do. Have faith, not just in God, but in yourselves as well. This is how I get through it. I sincerely hope this helps at least one person out there.
It inspired some hope in me at least but still I fully agree with Z as well. I often wonder about some of the true “overcoming all odds” survival stories I’ve read, like Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl and Fish by TJ Parsell. Parsell was buttraped every day for four years straight while he was in prison yet still he survived and is doing good work today heading the anti-prisoner rape committees in America. How was it exactly that he endured it I wonder. Did he find some secret mystery to life that kept him going on and gave him the courage to face another day. Was it that he had such a connection to God that he could endure anything? Or, was it simply that he was really fucking stupid? Ladies and gentlemen I’m afraid that the latter might be true even though I love his book. I have endless admiration for what he endured and what he’s doing now, but at the same time I wonder how he endured getting raped daily for years straight. If someone buttraped me I would wait until they thought that all was clear, and then ripped their face off, commenced to sitting their chewing on it in front of their buddies until they shanked me to death. That strikes me as the intelligent course of action. I look at the illegal immigrants to America, how they’ll live in front of home depot and do anything for work, at any wage, without lunch breaks, etc. and I don’t have any admiration for their determination (although I used to, like I’m sure many of you probably do), instead I see a group of brainless dumbasses, gnats at best. And no I’m not racist, I used to live with them in Mexico actually, and had a good time, then pretty much as one of them. Now I see what they’re willing to do to survive and make money, like “the Donkey Show” in Tijuana, where they let donkeys screw their women in front of an audience for that ca$h munny, and it just makes me want to exit the planet that much more. If they want it that bad then they can have it. I certainly don’t want this planet that bad, so keep your donkeys folks. People have this subconscious desire to procreate and survive as a species, but what is the overall point? Is there some greater picture that I’m missing? If humanity died out on this planet, would it really be such a tragedy? I just don’t see it. It’s an interesting debate though.
Hello, I read your post “permission to commit suicide.” At the end you talk about God and about how He probably doesn’t blame people who commit suicide for doing the act. I agree…I believe in an unbelievably forgiving God. My question to you is though….if you believe in God….shouldn’t you also believe that He put you here for a reason? If you take your own life, you are acting as God. He is the one that has the destiny for your life. You are beautiful. And I’m sure your mother, as well as many others (including God) would be broken hearted if you took your own life. If you need someone to talk to email me at s_cremers@yahoo.com
z,
“Monkey Kissing” video.
youtube.com/watch?v=ApVg9lRs7JY
I hate roaches too.
But have you ever seen them dance.
youtube.com/watch?v=Iw_zUUE4BE0
youtube.com/watch?v=3lv8pq77Qas&feature=PlayList&p=88176B29EAF9CF27&playnext_from=PL&playnext=2&index=28
jkelly6000,
Although I don’t share your religion, but there is an unknown system going on in the world without much noticed. It was lucky that you found some “help” through your major crises.
Of “civilized” advice, I would say pay more attention to your wife.
She works helping the depressed people, will inevitably bring home the same distressing atmosphere.
Try un-alarmingly giving her more of your un-frowned looks with smile, you’ll see the good change at home.
She needs your energy which you can provide.
Don’t skim on hugs, and a little massage on the shoulders. Woman gets mad if you don’t touch her.
Sex appeal is deemed a value of standard being a woman.
Sometimes reality is not fixed in front of sight, but can be created by dreaming that to occur, just in matter of seconds.
If you can choose, living feeling sad or happy ?
Remember that there is a chain reaction either good or bad.
Your wife hits you ? Why not bend over as a change, and let her hit your butt too, fun may begin.
Write another post Z, when you get a chance tell us some more. Your points make sense to me. Your point about the whole permission thing is a very important one, in my own life I also have gotten the permission signals lately. It’s bringing me some peace I suppose.