Everyone tells you when you think about suicide talk to someone.
I called everyone in my phone.
No one picked up.
My roommate is in one room, watching Lost, and my boyfriend in the other.
No one gives a shit.
Whenever I try to talk to them about this, they just turn their heads.
Whenever I try to talk to my boyfriend about this, he always makes it worse. He says he’s going to call a hospital.
What hospital? What are you doing? Really? I would rather be dead than go to a hospital. The last thing that someone who is suicidal needs to hear is that they’re going to go to a hospital. Or that I’m crazy.
I’m crazy, he says. I’m nuts and I need help and I should call a hotline.
Why do I need a hotline when you’re right here? Why can’t you talk to me?
But he doesn’t. He ignores me and watches tv while I sit in my room with my sleeping pills and my anti-depressants and my knives and I contemplate ending this miserable life.
Why can’t he see how much he is hurting me?
Why can’t anyone see how much I need help, not from doctors, not from psychologists but FROM THEM. From my supposed family.
And then this is what starts this perpetual cycle.
If you don’t have family that you can call, what is the point of living?
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4 comments
Hey.
I’m sorry to hear that the people around you aren’t being more supportive. But they sound like they are trying. Often people just don’t know how to help others, let alone how to listen or advise them. I agree with you that it would be great if you had supportive people around you, but no one is perfect, and if you don’t feel they are helping them enough, I think you should look elsewhere. As you’ve already done by coming here.
A hotline needn’t be bad (haven’t tried one though). But the most important thing is that you find someone competent to talk to, and you may have to look further. Getting the right help is up to you, and I’m sorry if that sounds tough, but it’s the best way of getting help that actually works. I know you might not feel up to this when you’re down, but try and find someone you really like and really trust and who is above all a good listener, to talk to.
You might have to meet new people to do this. I’d go for a psychologist if I were you. You’re also welcome to write me if you wanna talk, I’m not the best at it, and am pretty much round the bend myself, but by all means, don’t let that hold you back. My e-mail is: muspelhem@hotmail.com
Best of luck to you, and a virtual hug 🙂
Oops, sorry ’bout the typos:
Line 3 should read “listen to”.
Line 5 should read “helping you”.
Muspelhem wrote a very wise and sound comment. I cannot improve it, but rather agree with that. Yes, my girl, there is one saying in Spain that goes “al amigo y al caballo no lo canses”, (that is, dont get your friend or your horse tired) this means that we, individuals are limited in our resources. Some of us even have it difficult to find resources for ourselves, let alone to be able to find them for others in particular matters where it can be delicate, such as the issues you mention. I think what should count for you is that they care and worry. Dont think that they are ignoring you. You scare them, that is why they resort to the hospital or the hotline. It does not mean that they are bad at all. It depends on how much pressure you have put on them in a specific period of time.
I had a girlfriend who was stable and reliable like a rock. Very very well in her mind, very well balanced. Then I had another one who looked great, really beautiful, but she was nuts herself. So, everybody has different resources and limits.
You can post here, we are so many, that I doubt you ll get us tired.
hugs
Al
I, too, have to agree with the previous responders…some good stuff that I can only repeat.
First, let me tell you that there are people out there who can understand you…because we’ve been there and, like me, because we’re there right now! We aren’t perfect and much of the time we have no answers, but we care and will listen and always be genuine and compassionate. It sounds like you’ve found some of those people in the above two responses. (I’m not as familiar with this site, but if you are at least 18 years of age, you can check out a site I know better, where I can vouch for the people there…its wingofmadness dot com.)
Pls know, despite the messages you’ve received from those around you, there are people out there who can and do understand you, who share many of your same struggles, and who will respect you and your struggles.
Second, pls re-consider calling a crisis line…for the soul reason that the simple act of talking can be a HUGE release!! You deserve that! If it helps, by all means, commit to doing something as simple as calling. I do sevel “weird” things purely for the psychological benefit…like pet my dog, take her to the dog park so I can watch her play and have fun, ask friends for brief amature massages, etc.
Finally, pls consider finding a counselor. If you’re in the UK, I think you have government provided medical care (though I know that can be difficult to navigate sometimes)…if you’re in the US, there are cost-effective options if money is an issue. A good counselor may be the best thing you ever do for yourself. You deserve that!!!
I sure hope you come back and read the responses…I hope you feel encouraged and heard and understood at least a little…I hope you decide you deserve to feel better!!