:/

its been a long while since ive touched this site, but here i find myself again in a bad way. i feel like trash in many ways.. with who n how i am n how i look. it hurts bc i know its wrong n im only harming myself. i hope to never wake up again but im still here. i am capable of taking my life away in so many ways. but there goes my conscience telling me that ill hurt my family, ill ruin their happiness, ill disappoint them, ill mess everything up n ill leave them with guilt. but i find no desire within myself to stay alive. well i do have dreams, but i feel that i wont reach them bc ppl think they r unrealistic n it brings me down. i feel disgusted with my weight, i have trouble choosing an outfit for the day. i had cut my hair short, it makes me feel ugly sometimes. im different from everyone, everyone views me as a freak at school, n in my family i could feel so lost sometimes even if my sisters n cousins have the same likings n stuff as me, i still feel like i dont belong sometimes. the only way i could feel 100% happy is by going to rock concerts n that doesnt happen very often. the day a concert never comes to an end will be then when i can be numb.. no feelings of pain. my cousin cut herself again n it was for a boy.. i had told her that nothing n no one is worth for her tears n pain n that for her not to harm herself, but yesterday i found out she did. i talked to her with empathy. told her not to do it again for those reason and that one day if she keeps on doing it, shell cut a vein, next thing shell be dead. n ill be after her. but here i am so close to cutting so close to deciding to hang myself. i can help others but not myself. :C
i don’t know what to do anymore. i am just a dead person walking this earth that doesn’t need me.i just want to break n scream. but here i am silent in my own tears. ive tried talking with my sisters, but it doesnt help me. sometimes i even wish for us to crash n for me to die n they’ll b ok with no injuries. i can’t find a way to be truly happy with myself. i have fun sometimes, but my pain is still there. i dont know what to do, i feel so lost. i wish i had someone that would care n listen n stop asking what is wrong with me… there r so many things wrong with me.. thank you for reminding me.. how about “what causes ur pain?” or “talk to me and tell me what hurts you” i wish i had someone who could just hug me n hold me next to their heart n let me tear away until im ready to talk, but i don’t and it truly hurts.