It’s just not worth it

I gave up my whole life for this place. I walked away from all the projects I was involved in, people who depended on me, my friends, my dad. I moved over 2000km and three provinces away. I never could have prepared myself for the hell these people would put me through.

My life has been hard enough, and I’ve made it this far, but now trapped in this hellhole, too much pride to walk away but no fucking dignity left…I just don’t want to wake up anymore.

I used to love my job, I worked so hard, so fucking hard. Only to be kicked in the teeth again and again.

All I’ve ever wanted to do is help people, and live in some relative peace, have some fun in life. I spent my childhood struggling against the tyranny of my mother and stepfather, putting me down every fucking day and trying to convince me I was the worst and most evil girl who ever lived.

I never knew how to be a girl. When I started dressing like one at age 18, everything went downhill. A few days before Christmas, when I was 21, my brother beat me very badly and I was kicked out of my house. I stayed with someone I thought was a friend and he drugged and raped me. That’s how I lost my virginity.

It has taken years to get any sense of sexual self-confidence and it’s evident to me now that I still don’t have any….but they’ve taken away my privacy, stripped me naked in my own workplace and I must face them every day and management does not care about the brutal psychological blow that has been dealt to me by their staff.

I dated a man on and off for a year, I loved his daughters like my own, we were together almost every day. I cannot describe the betrayal and disgust to find out he had been ruthlessly badmouthing me behind my back to dozens of my co-workers who lapped it up like hungry animals. They loved every second of my denigration and humiliation. They laughed mightily at my expense. It couldn’t have been worse if he had filmed us and showed it to everyone. The end result is the same. A man who doesn’t even work for my company but comes in a few times a week told me he knew everything about me sexually, thanks to this man I loved and trusted. A large group of co-workers would carry on conversation about how disgusting it is that I don’t wax my ***** and came up with a nasty nickname for me that was written on the wall in the men’s washroom.

One of my superiors offered me a transfer, as though I am the one at fault. I am the one to blame, I deserved it, and should retreat in shame, back to where I came from like they’ve always wanted.

I don’t know how to come back from this, I’ve been stabbed in the back before but I have never experienced such brutal bullying since school, and they never had ammunition about the sex acts I’d be willing to perform on a man or what my body looked like naked.

If I didn’t show up for work I’m sure my body wouldn’t be found for days because they wouldn’t care.  As they laughed at my degradation they would laugh at my death. It would please them. I don’t want to do it for their benefit, but I just don’t feel like living anymore. It’s just not worth it.   The only release I have is thinking about how I could end my life.  It calms me. 

No matter how good I am to people I will always be treated like a piece of garbage and there is no light at the end of that tunnel.  I wish I could love myself and carry on, for the few people in existence who do care about me, but they can’t take away my pain and my shame.  Only death can.