Hello, all. I’m back to write again.
So I reached out and found some resources. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder earlier this year.
I had hallucinations as a child that established my black and white thinking. I never knew what the hallucinations meant, until recently. It all makes sense now. Somehow my brain got hard-wired to think in black and white. (Maybe someone gave me LSD as a child. The hallucinations were so clear and vivid and lasting that I have never been able to forget anything contained in the hallucinations.) And then when I was almost a teenager I experienced horrific emotional events that basically locked me into who I am today.
The good news is that I see how I act and react to life’s pressures and I am seeking to change some things. I even met someone who has BPD and they are rather comforting because they understand everything. Prior to all of this, the isolation from everyone and everything was what was making feel suicidal, among a longer laundry-list…. The point is, I now know that I am not some soul victim of my mind. There are others that are like me. It is a strange comfort.
The gym has become therapy for me. It’s like crying but better.
The trouble is laughing with friends for hours and wishing you were dead later. Imagine living this way ever day of your life. It is very tiresome. I hope I can move beyond this, yet I do not see how, at least not right now. Anti-depressants make me wicked suicidal, even more so, so maybe anti-anxiety pills. I can’t stop the splitting (black and white thinking). At least now I am better at spotting when I do it, even if it is well after the event.
So I hope this is a new era for me. In a lot of ways I feel like warning people I meet. Yet, this would be a bad idea because BPD has a stigma that you should be locked away from the rest of the population. I don’t need that. The isolation I feel is the BPD. I need to expand myself, not contract myself. So that is what I am going to attempt to do. Still, the next horrible thing that happens to me could be my breaking point. Good news aside, I am a person that is unable to properly regulate emotions. That is why I live as I do. That is why when I get into an intimate relationship I ride bliss or armageddon like a hell-cat. I don’t know how to experience anything else.