humans are too selfish.

for as long as i can remember, i’ve always been different from everyone else.

eventually i came to accept it; i basked in loneliness, despite the fact that it was “wrong” in the eyes of others. it was wrong to sit in my room alone. it was wrong to ignore others. it was wrong to not be like everyone else.

so i put up walls and i lived behind a mask for years. it was nearly perfect, as everyone bought into my lies. they believed that i was the person who i pretended to be.

yet one person knew.. he was the person closest to myself. he was my brother. he took pride in raping my mind.. changing my outlook on life.. everything. he destroyed me.

i was twelve when i first fought back against him. so, he beat me. from then on, i knew there was no god. i hated church. i hated life.

so, i tried to die. i took just a handful.. but after a minute, it all came back out. and i thought it was a sign, telling me to live on.

i grew to trust no one.. i lived through ages 13, 14, 15, 16 behind my fake identity.. i hated everyone.. i only played into their simple lives to amuse myself. but one day, i met the person who would change my life forever.

i was smitten, at the time.. two days later.. we were together.. and i knew nothing about her. she only spouted lies. her name, her age, her interests.. all lies. to think that the one person i ever opened up to was worse than everyone else was heart-wrenching. and then i refused to believe it.. i believed her.. i believed everything she had said, despite knowing that they were all lies.

they said.. “break up with her.” “get out before it’s too late..” but i resented them. little did i know.. that would be the most important piece of advice that i would ever receive in my entire life. slowly but surely, we got “closer.” and i was aware of everything. she was seeing other guys, she never told me her real name, she couldn’t be trusted, she was scum..

i disappeared for twenty-two days. i left home.. everything. it took a while, but i was finally able to put my mask back on after that period of isolation.. i was written off with “chronic stress,” and i was instructed to visit a shrink three times a week.

three became four.. until it became seven. i loved my shrink.. we wrote down our stories and exchanged them, hour after hour, day after day. she was the only hand that plunged into my world, and i held onto it for dear life.

i eventually met with my girlfriend again. i knew she was seeing other guys, and that she was talking behind my back, but i didn’t say a thing. i never called her out on her lies or her infidelity.. or anything. till the very end, i played the role of the naive protagonist. “your name really isn’t alice is it?” was my closure. or so i thought.

i was fine for the first two weeks. and then i began seeing things that reminded me of her. whether it be something small like her name in a textbook, or something big, like a place we used to go to together. my closure was not complete, and she haunted me. i grew restless.. unable to think.. maybe even insane. then i found a way out.

through weed and alcohol, i was able to escape everything that bothered me. i depended on the two until it became a necessity. i realized that i didn’t need my shrink anymore, i just needed more to drink, so i stopped all contact with my her. i stopped going to class. and i spent more and more time getting drunk and high.

it always seemed like everything was alright when i wasn’t sober. unfortunately, my tolerance increased, so i moved on to harder drugs.

i was spending day after day getting fucked up so that i wouldn’t think about my ex, my paranoia, my stress, my addiction, my depression, and anything that was going wrong. my spending had reached upwards $1000 a day, until my parents pulled the plug on it. they didn’t bother asking why i had spent so much money. they were just angry that i had spent so much. they don’t even care anyway.. since i was born, every fucking christmas.. birthday.. new year.. all i got was money. they hated spending time with me.. so as soon as i was a teenager, they split. they were never home in the first place.. as if it’d make a difference now.

addiction kicked in soon after. i was laid up at home by myself and i didn’t know what to do. i was so lost.. and i just wanted to visit the one person who ever listened to me. i got to her office and i asked for an appointment. she refused me. but i begged and begged until she finally let me in. i tried to tell her everything, but once i told her about my addiction she told me to leave.

“i don’t help criminals.”

i didn’t kill anyone. i didn’t rob anyone. i didn’t steal..

it’s been five days. everyone i’ve asked for help has turned their backs on me. humans are so selfish. everything they do is for self-gain. they don’t help others because they just want to save time. or they want to help others just because it makes them feel good about themselves.

last night, i finally realized what it was like to be pushed beyond the edge. the hopelessness, the loneliness, the disregard for health and life itself, the apathy for anything and everything.

i realized that i don’t need to cry for help anymore since no one is going to come. i’ve lived my life incorrectly, but i’m no longer going to sit around and cry about it. this life will not have been for naught.

instead, i’m going to use what i’ve learned in my next life by becoming just like everyone else: selfish, untrustworthy, and evil. the idea is unlikely.. but at this point, anything is better than living in this life.

if i am not reborn, it will be even better. i’ll never have to see anyone ever again.

goodbye.