i can’t do this anymore.

Everytime I have a moment of happiness, a moment of peace, it is taken from me.

I was in love with a friend who I only knew for a short amount of time, but above that he was someone who I let in behind the masks. Of course he broke my heart. I don’t know what I expected. No one wants a worthless screw up like me…. no one wants a girl who is ugly either.

and I dont just mean on the outside. Inside I’m ugly. I’m filled with such venom. Such hatred. for everything. for everyone, but mostly for myself. I hate when people say that they care about me or that I’m special just to humor me. Because they don’t care enough to love me. They don’t care enough not to hurt me. I’m not special enough to be the number one. I’m only special enough to listen. Never special enough to be involved. Overweight and not pretty enough.

Everytime I let someone in, they hurt me. Everytime I let them see me, they hurt me. I won’t ever love again.

Even the boyfriends that I’ve had, and also the friends. I was always second. I’m just a secondary girl. I was always used for something and when I wasn’t useful anymore. They threw me away. Maybe they should  have. I know that I’m a screw up. No one needs that. You use those people for what they can be useful for.

I just don’t wanna live like that anymore. I wanna go… somewhere far. I wish I could. I wish I wasn’t  a”minor”. All I wanna do is drink, do more drugs and get fucked up and not think about it. Think about anything. Or anyone. But I know that won’t help. I can only do that so much.

I just wanna sit in my room and cry and not live. Not think. I want to not be breathing anymore. I have to see my therapist soon and I’m gonna make an excuse so I don’t have too. My mom will be mad, but I don’t care. I can’t take people picking at my brain and seeing me for what I really am.

I wish I could care less. I can always say that I don’t care about much which is true, but the things, the people that I do care about always seem to hurt me. I wish I couldn’t… I wish I could just not.

I’m worthless and I have no purpose. I’m starting to believe that. I’m the practice girl. The girl that isn’t “the one”. I’m just the first one. The best friend girl. The throw away kid. I’m just another spirit. I’m not special. I want to die.