Suicide

To The Person That I Mirrored Myself
Despite the fact that I am fully aware of what is going on in your life, your inspirational and motivational messages captivated me. I admire your ways of dealing with life because I don’t. Four years ago, I was in your shoes. I am a goal-oriented person who is concerned with the future and success. I was a “church girl” who read scriptures always and prayed three times a day, till I had all I had today; I speak of it all as PTSD anxiety about panic depression attacks. I’ve become forgetful, so perhaps you’re worth telling my story for.

I’m having a hard time concentrating on anything. I’m rereading messages five times to make sure I understand what they’re about. If you ask me if I saw something, I might have been looking right at it and missed it. Half of the time, I have no idea what the topic of a conversation is. Something is wrong, and I can’t seem to control myself. I’m just going through the motions of my life, and anything that requires my presence is a struggle for some reason.

Senior High School. Being a Senior High Schooler was exciting, especially as a newcomer. They’re all looking at you because they’ve finally seen a different girl, literally different. I got good grades in my previous high school, so I don’t mind when people try to rely on me because I’m used to it.

House. At home, I’m dealing with a situation I never wanted to be in. I finally saw my father for the first time. But the consequences are that I don’t have to see my mother, that I must obey them because this is their home, that I must obey my stepmother, and that I must be nice to my stepsiblings who have attitude issues. And, as a fighter and a strong person (as far as I know), I accepted the challenge and promised my real mother that I’d take easy on these.

Myself. Because I am different from everyone else in school, I decided to handle everything on my own, especially when my classmates began to bully me because other sections wanted to meet and be friends with me. I ate alone, I went home alone, I studied alone, and I sat alone. Constantly hearing insults and negative thoughts about me, as well as how my presence irritated them. Every time I take the stage, they laugh and ask why I’m so sure of myself when I don’t have anything like theirs.

First love. I have always enjoyed joining organizations, writing school newspapers, and participating in talent shows those times, which is why I am well-known throughout the school. It’s no surprise that I caught the attention of the school’s varsity three-point shooter, with whom I quickly fell in love despite the fact that we could be far more different. He ignores the rules, whereas I do not.

Consequences of my actions. After months of being bullied at school, I finally ignored them because I had my pill – my boyfriend. I kept this from my acting parents (I mean they’re trying to be a parent) because they might not send me to school if they found out. I forget about the problems that have been making me weak for months as long as I have my boyfriend. But, as they said, every happiness comes with a price. They recently discovered everything about me and my boyfriend, which made me angry because they are attempting to steal my happiness AGAIN, but that time, I want them to fail. They have forbidden me from attending my organizations, so I am forced to leave. Leave anything that might raise their suspicions because they are afraid of wasting money on me for nothing. I didn’t tell anyone why I needed to leave all of the organizations just to get home at 5 p.m. I just ignored them and got used to going to classes and coming home to do chores and homework. To add to that, my father wasn’t always at home, so I was always at their house doing my stepmother’s job. I cooked, washed dishes, and assisted her in washing their clothes when all she did was put her clothes in the washing machine every time it stopped spinning. I tutor her child, clean the bathrooms, their room, the rooftop with dogs and poops, feed the dogs, clean the rooftop, and look after their plants before I can do what I need to do and forget what I want to do. Not long ago, my father used to scold me every time he came home for reasons I still don’t understand. I’m wondering if it’s because I have a boyfriend. Is that it? I can take insults, but insulting my mother with someone who barely knows us is a distraction. I easily become enraged whenever they bring up my mother because of my mistakes. I once fought with them and yelled at them just as much as they yelled at me. After that, I fainted, and they took me to the hospital, but they don’t care; they’re more concerned with the costs of my check-ups, despite the fact that I know they’re not poor and that a single penny for my health won’t cost them much. Before we met, I had Bell’s Palsy and had to take numerous medications and treatments that caused me to gain weight. After quarrels with my acting parents, I learned to adapt with their environment, I learned to fake everything because it makes everything alright. I pretend to have changed and come to like them as they desired. But, despite of learning to shut up to insults, they continued to be mean to me, so I shrugged it off and focused on what made me happy. Because I had nothing to worry about with my academics, I had to divert my attention away from my personal issues by taking absences and skipping classes. At least once a week, my boyfriend and I try to sneak out of school and go somewhere.

To cut a long story short, I was caught numerous times and they have to be stricter. I had to spend less time with my boyfriend because my rank had dropped and I was on the verge of falling out of the top ten. But one day, I went home because my mother called and said she would be there to pack my belongings and take me with her. Of course I want it, but I must accept the consequences once more. I’m not sure what happened that day, but my mother was crying, and all I did was follow her and sent me back to Laguna before my father caught up with us. I’m not sure what path I took that day, but I missed my mom and didn’t want us to be separated again. After a week, I persuaded her to rent me an apartment near my school so that I could finish the semester and then transfer to another school with her. My father and stepmother recently found out where I’ve been thanks to my “friends”. I had no idea it was another trap set by my stepmother at the time. She must be struggling with the responsibilities of a wife in the absence of me.

My father and mother talked about it, and I agreed to whatever they agreed on. After that, I don’t want to hurt my mother any further. She got a job as a maid, which made me happy because she was the only motivation I had at the time to be more patient with my father and his wife. Arguments in the house never ended because of my step mother’s personal reasons (I don’t know about her), but I learned to ignore everything, and I’ve become immune to her shouting and shouting from my dad through the phone every time I’m on the jeepney on my way home. SOMETIMES, it would be better if I didn’t come home, but I didn’t. That day, I learned how to smoke, as if I needed it… Even though I hate the smell, it relieves me.

I never stopped skipping classes with my boyfriend until it became too much for me. I am a virgin, and I never imagined that I would eventually do it with him, from going out into places like parks and computer shops to going out into places like motels and free spaces. Once a week, that’s how we spent our time together, and we always did it safely; we were both innocent about it, so we explored until I became paranoid because the contraceptive broke before he was released. We stopped doing it until my period came.

When I got home, I was surprised to see that my stepmother had brought me cake and had prepared pancit for me. I thought she realized that battles should be settled in their home with me. But rather, she persuaded me to talk about my boyfriend, claiming that as a mother, she should know him in order to understand me and offered that the house is always open whenever we want to spend our time together. I’m grateful for the offer, and I followed through on her suggestions. I don’t skip classes anymore, she’s nice to my boyfriend even though my father didn’t know, I thought she was covering for me and as a mom (a parent), she understands teenagers fall in love but that’s what I thought until she called my father to come home and set her trap. She left me at their house and let my father caught us. He caught us, watching movie at the sofa that made him very very angry.

I kept quiet; I never told my father she allowed me to do it because I knew it was my fault for believing in her. I took it all and paid for my mistakes because I wanted to compete in the pageant and represent our section. I persuaded my father to back me up, and he did. My most recent contest was a huge distraction for me. They were not pleased that I had placed second runner-up. I also dropped my rank, which made them even more disappointed.

My mother informed me that she was no longer working and that she had returned home from her parents to marry her new husband. I was both happy and sad, knowing that they all had their lives and that I was stuck in the situation they had put me in with my mean stepmother. I never told my mother that she shouldn’t get another husband and should instead wait until I graduated college and we could be together again. I listened to her; she said it was difficult for her to be alone with no one to talk to; she also needed her happiness, so I let her. So all I have is my boyfriend, whom I recently discovered to be cheating on me with her other FB account. Because summer is approaching, and it is inconvenient for us to have problems and fix them while we are away.

Everything was fine not until I received a creepy texts and threatened messages from an anonymous sender, slut shaming and all. Dummy accounts have been created to harass me online and spread rumors among my classmates, teachers, and even the principal. That person knows me well, he knows my history, and after a few days, my Facebook account was hacked. Threatened me that I should not go home alone because I might get hurt; he also screen captured conversations from my account and spread them to all of my friends who reacted to my posts. That made me suspicious to everyone, and I became paranoid, experiencing sleep paralysis every other night. I overeat and have attempted suicide several times.

Despite being told to come to my school to discuss the matter, I never spoke with my parents about it. I never did because they are the prime suspect. The anonymous sender told me that it started when I was in grade 11, and that he was really annoyed with me and wanted me to disappear, and that I didn’t deserve to be the second runner-up. Since then, I’ve had low self-esteem, and whenever I have free time, I go to the clinic and pretend to be sick in order to fall asleep. I slept more at school and don’t sleep at home, especially when I have to avoid everyone because my peers talked so quietly about me that I could hear them.

I finally graduated from high school, and the possibility of attending college stresses me out. My parents do not want to spend money on me, by which I mean my tuition fee. They wanted to enroll me in a university where tuition is free or low-cost; otherwise, I would not attend college. So PUP was the only university for which I had exams. I passed, but the list’s release date was very late, which made me worry too much and made me depressed, especially when they started calling me Bobo and stuff because my name was not on the first list that was released.

I was relieved to learn that I had passed the entrance exam. It provides me with opportunities, despite the fact that the remaining courses are not what I am looking for. I took it because I had no other option, but even though I passed the exam, my father expects me to get the higher courses without them spending money on me. On the other hand, they still have the option of getting what they want. My boyfriend and I stopped working out months ago. He ignored me as if nothing had happened. I recently learned that he spends his nights with some girls and bottles and that I am not required to do anything about it. I tried to chase him, but he pushed me even further over the edge.

I’m getting better, but it’s my ex-boyfriend who keeps me going. I used Tinder to hook up with a lot of men and play with them. I did the same thing my ex did to me: I ghosted everyone. I have my FUBU, and we see each other whenever I have some free time. That’s how I spent my freshman year of college. It gets worse when I discover something is wrong with my father and my stepmother’s daughter. I nearly puked when I found out, but I’m at a loss for what to do about it. And just as things were getting better, the anonymous ***** sender messaged again. Again, he has screen shoted all of my conversations with the men with whom I am conversing. He informs them that made me delete my Facebook account and create a new one. And a week ago, the anonymous ***** messaged my cellphone number again, this time with a picture link to my most recent address and a creepy face that was googled and got from scrbd site. That has been my life since 2016, and before that I had a different life. My uncle sexually harassed me, so we went to another location, which is now my home. I’ve also been pointed with a gun in the past. My life sucks, and I’m not sure where it’s going.