I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my relationship is at an end and I don’t see the point of going on. He doesn’t broke the most important promise to me, and doesn’t seem to care. If I bring it up he threatens to leave. I should just leave my life behind. No one would even notice or care.
I am staring at the ceiling. My chest hurts. The sound the fan makes is suddenly too loud. I can’t breath right.
Why can’t I just die peacefully in my sleep?
Yes, I wouldn’t get to make a suicide note but I don’t have many people I want to say goodbye too.
Its just too much.
I promised myself I would hang on until I was 25, only 5 more years to not break my promise, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.
I wanted to finish uni, secure a job and move out to another place to start again and see if that way, I could be happy, but I don’t think I can hold on much longer.
I miss the people that used to be my friends, I miss uni, I miss looking happy in photos, I miss myself.
I thought that my sister giving birth would give me a purpose, some happiness, but now I only see it as a new opportunity to disappear.
I won’t be a burden to them, and all of my tuition money would go to the baby so my sister can feel more financially secure and my mother could get the operation she needs and start living her retirement the way she should.
I am sure they would move on quickly as I am quite irrelevant to them.
Heck, my mother can’t even remember my birthday, which funnily enough is at the end of the month.
I don’t really want to leave, I want another shot at happiness, as I’ve always said, but the pain is unbearable.
My mother doesn’t let me go on vacation with my father and doesn’t let me leave my house as she wants me to help with all the chores I couldn’t do when I was at uni. I’ll have to wait a little bit since he has the medication I want to end my life.
Oddly enough I am feeling sad because I’ll never see one of my professors again, but I keep reminding myself that him would have already forgotten about me. It’s sucks that he cared more about me than any of my parents during this academic year, but it’s time to move on.
I hope I’ll be able to get my meds soon and say goodbye forever.
I had a private account because I’ve always cared too much about what people thought about me.
I thought it was a fantastic idea when I created it as I could share my true feelings to the people I called my friends; I wouldn’t have to put a brave front for them, I could vent without restraining myself. I felt safe, for once, from my parents abusive behavior.
I didn’t see it coming.
All of my fears, thoughts, struggles, complied in screenshots and scattered away in one of my “friends” account.
What hurt me the most wasn’t the harsh blow to my trust issues; it was the passive attitude of my “other friends”.
I am old enough to know that no one is going to solve my problems and rescue me from my suicide thoughts; but a text message would have been nice.
Something to let me know that they care, that I am not alone, that they wouldn’t do the same shit this “friend” did, that even if they can’t be always there for me, that they would try their best to make me feel better.
Isn’t that a normal reaction? Am I expecting too much white from this grey world?
Shit, they didn’t even bat an eyelash when I told them my sister was being admitted into the hospital and I wanted to reschedule our meeting as I wouldn’t be able to see them the rest of the summer.
I should have realized sooner that very few people in this world care, that the only person who is going to pick you up when you hit the asphalt face front is yourself, that people enjoy seeing you suffer, even your “own friends”.
I even believed them when they say they would miss me if I was gone.
I should try another shot at happiness, the one I’ve been looking for 20 years.
I should try to keep my alive, even if it feels scary knowing that I have no one to grab my arm when I cross the street.
I should try to forget it all, but can I?
Can I stop caring?
Why does it pain me so much? Why can’t I understand that I am unimportant and live for myself?
Was I looking for happiness where it wasn’t supposed to be?
Will I be able to get through all of my mental health problems all alone?
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way forever either.
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
Hi, I’m sorry for this. I’m really sorry. This seems like the best way to get it out thought. I’ve realized it time and time again.
I’m going to die. Life has no meaning. There is no purpose of conscious existence. I rather wish we lived in a world were they could be no existentialism, but obviously not. There is, a simple way out however. So simple. And it would be worth it. It really would.
I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. Please, please, in the comments, this is a heavy rant, and I know you’ll want to say to “be strong” and that “life is worth living,” everything people want to believe. They distract themselves, and the whole world with mundane things, in an attempt to make life more bearable. The world is full of distractions, beauty, attractions. It only appeals to us because that’s the only thing we’ve ever known. Not to me. It gets boring after awhile. The flowers dull, the world spins quietly. The trees are brittle, the air is cold and pungent. The sun blinds me. The winds belittles me. The moon taunts me from my bedside. No one knows I pretend to smile, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want them to know. I want them to forget. I don’t want a public suicide. I don’t need people, caring. Knowing. What good does caring do. They’re all indifferent specs of empty meaning. What good is humanity. We only really try to better mankind, and by mankind, I mean all that man has ever known (animals, environment, plant-life, space etc). We only exist because we came from something far beyond our comprehension. But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing does, it’s that simple. We’ve just fallen into an ever changing routine, ruled by those who influence us and those who govern us and those who control what we see. What we know. What we do. My mind is my enemy and my body is a broken temple. There is nothing left for me here. Nothing I want, nothing I cherish, nothing I care about, nothing I need. They like to guilt you into staying by prompting you to consider their feelings. And I do. You just won’t know then. You’ll move on and forget – simple as that. Then they’ll force you into places where the keep you under surveillance. And ask you to share your thoughts and feelings. Make sure you take care of yourself. They try to put you back together with all the wrong pieces. Pieces that are supposed to interest you, motivate you to keep in going. Keep on living and breathing. Keep on falling into distraction. Keep on fight the pain.
Keep on moving.
Keep on running.
Keep on crawling.
Keep on inching.
Until you get tired, and stop moving.
You’re mind which was once buzzing is now silent.
It’s all gone, one by one, the pieces fall.
You are left an empty corpse.
You refuse everything they give you. You don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t open your eyes, nor eat. Your mind isn’t in use anymore.
Such a simple way to die : for you cannot force someone with no will to live, to live. And that is why I’m sure, I’ll die. I’ll loose my eyesight, my speech, my muscle strength. My hearing. I’ll throw up everything from the tubes, strangle myself with the chords, fall down off the bed, use anything sharp to impale any part of my body, I’ll stress myself out, work up a heart attack so that my body has no choice.
I’ll make enemies with everyone I see. So they don’t give me a second thought anytime later. I’ll become estranged. They don’t care when you anger them, do they. Aha, so it is the perfect plan then. I’ll even make up a death date so I have a deadline.
I won’t tell you, of course.
Thanks for reading though,
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Title: AI in the future / A.I in the future / Artificial Intelligence in the future ; VR in the future / V.R in the future / Virtual Reality in the future ; Transhumanism in the future ; technology in the future ; Life is boring ; Life sucks ; escape from reality
The more detailed post:
AI is the future
A.I is the future
Artificial Intelligence is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real life is boring / real world is boring
VR is the future
V.R is the future
Virtual Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real-life is boring / real-world is boring
AR is the future
A.R is the future
Augmented Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / reallife is boring / realworld is boring
Transhumanism is the future
Transhumanist is the future
Life is boring
reality is boring
reallife is boring
realworld is boring
Technology in the future ?
Technology is the future ?
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
I have literally tried this 50 times. With a robe thing, shoelaces, tourniquet. Everything. I cannot pass out. How the hell do people die from this? I am so irritated I could light myself on fire. HOW DO I HANG MYSELF AND PASS OUT???????
d3miurg3 Why don’t you go get paralysed from the neck down you abdominal twat ****
i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.
sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.
Not sure what I’m hoping for, writing this. Just need to vent, I guess.
Basically, I’m just sick and tired of people in power going out of their way to cover up the fact that people like me exist. That is people who are unapologetically suicidal and can compellingly demonstrate that our desire to die is rational and justified.
Last year, my government ran yet another inquiry into a particular sub-area of the mental health crisis in our country. In my country, anyone can make a submission to most government inquiries, expressing their views, ect., and expect those submissions to be acknowledged by the government and published on the inquiry’s website.
Typically, the turn-around between making a submission and the government publishing that submission will be somewhere between a couple days and a week.
With this inquiry, I started writing what I anticipated being about a 10-12 page submission, but the sense of injustice just kept flowing like a ruptured dam and I ended up with a document containing almost 140 pages of testimony about the mental health system, suicide, and the problems of our culture with regard to suicide and despair.
I sent the document to the inquiry’s handlers, and for weeks I heard nothing in return. Not even a courtesy “We recieved your submission”. I had to chase them up for confirmation that the document was recieved, which they acknowledged. But it still didn’t appear on their website and they claimed this was because they were “very busy”. Meanwhile, submissions that were dated AFTER my own were being posted on their website.
Eventually, my submission was posted on the website, 4 months after I’d submitted it, and only a couple days before the inquiry officially concluded! However, according to an insider, the inquiry’s final report had actually been composed weeks prior, and was now just sitting in some politicians’ desk draws waiting for the official reporting date to roll around. Most likely, the senators running the inquiry never even looked at my submission; and I suspect that it’s publication was put off til the last possible minute so that outside watchers of the inquiry wouldn’t be aware of it’s existance.
Why? Because in several places I present arguments for why many peoples’ decisions to commit suicide are rational and justified with regard to their circumstances, and argue that “suicide prevention” in such situations must focus on changing the horrendous circumstances, and not the mind of the person enduring them. My submission doesn’t try to ‘talk anyone into committing suicide’, it tries to talk the powers that be into being respectful and enlightened towards the suicidal person’s thoughts, values, feelings and experience.
My stance is that we can’t have a proper and effective public discussion about suicide until the people who believe they are better off dead then alive are aloud to speak freely an unencumbered, so that they can clarify to everyone else why they have adopted that stance and what changes they need to see in order to find life the more preferable choice.
“Stop trying to fix the rational suicidal person and instead start fixing the lives that aren’t worth living” would be the takeaway message I’m trying to impart.
But, I suspect, the people braying over and over that “we need to talk about suicide”, “we need to encourage the suicidal people to reach out and talk about what they are going through”, are loathe to admit that there are clearheaded, rational people out here who can effectively defend their preferance for death. As loudly as they might protest our suicidalness if they ever caught us standing on the ledge of a building, in reality, they don’t want us to exist.
A little over two weeks ago, I submitted an adapted version of my previous submission to a new government inquiry. So far, it’s shaping up as the same shit. Submissions that were submitted later then mine are appearing in droves on the inquiry’s website. Several of them are almost as big as mine, and a couple are even bigger. Many of them, like mine, are scathing of our mental health industry. The only thing I can see that sets mine apart is the fact that I unapologetically admit to being suicidal, that I maintain that it is a legitimate stance for me to be suicidal, and that I present compelling arguments for why suicidalness can often be rational and justified.
I sent an email to the inquiry staff asking if they’d gotten my submission and politely prompting them for some explaination about the delay. I sent it a day before the long weekend started. No response. I know they’ve been at work, because new submissions have been appearing on the website.
Even if it was published today, it would simply be a nondescript submission buried in the middle of all the others. It would appear in the middle of the list, and likely nobody would ever notice it was there. I’m sure that’s not by accident. They don’t want anyone to contemplate the contributions of the suicidal man, much less his legitimacy. They just want everyone to keep bullying him into “getting the ‘help’ he needs.”
It’s yet to be seen whether my submission will be published at all, let alone whether or not it will actually be considdered by the inquiry board.
TBH, I really don’t like my chances.
I’m tired of it. So very very tired.
As a citizen, I have a right to be heard by my government. Those are the explicit values of our western-type democracy, and the very justification for why they make these inquiries open to public submissions in the first place.
As a suicidal man, I have the right to state my position clearly and frankly in a public discussion on the topics of mental health & suicide.
I speak respectfully. I speak honestly. I speak frankly. I speak relevantly on matters that are not only deeply important to myself, but to the entire nation, and especially it’s suicidal citizens. Yet I am made invisable because the facts are that suicide can often be compellingly justified and I have the nerve to bring those facts to light.
Just stop with the goddamned hypocrasy! Stop weeping that you want us to stay with you here in life, then do everything in your power to make it as if we – along with everything we think, believe and cherish – don’t exists. If you don’t want me, and other rational suicidals around, then just let us go and stop bitching about the fact that we kill ourselves.
— End Rant (for now) —
I’ve been looking for ways to numb myself. I get absolutely nowhere. It’s not fair, I just wanna be numb. I don’t wanna make an effort to even feel better anymore. I just wanna stop feeling emotion.
I hate being brokenhearted over my ex. I hate being stressed about going off to college. I hate that painful lump in my throat I get from crying. I hate the cold sweat I break into when I’m anxious. I hate the fire that burns in my heart. I want to be dormant and freeze my heart up for good.
I want to die, but I fear the afterlife. My best bet is to stop feeling anything altogether.
Today is the day I’m going to stop feeling. After submitting this entry, I am going to wipe my eyes, stiffen my lips, and turn off the sad music. My emotions are going to die today, not me.
i’m so desperate to find love. attention. hope. maybe i’m just looking for a reason to live. i feel so dead inside, but if you saw me in person you’d think i’m happy. iv been doing this for 8 years, i put on a good act. although i’ve wished someone would catch on. i wish someone would notice. there’s so many things wrong. i just want it to end.
I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.
I am currently a senior in high school. As the time went on throughout my high school years, I slowly started to gather information and reasoning on why I don’t need to be here anymore. I don’t feel important and there have been so many incidences where I was not remembered by the people I thought would. My “friends” all worry about each other, but when it comes to me I am nothing nor a thought. I have a multitude of stress at home to go along with my sadness and it just becomes too overwhelming. I also have work that kicks me while I’m down. If it’s my time to go, then I’m completely okay with that.
This is short and doesn’t have many details to properly explain, and I’m sorry for that.
I have been thinking about dying for some time. The thought of which use to make me panic. Now, when I think of death and disappearing, it is harder for me to be afraid. I want to be able to think about my future and be happy and excited. I know that (from my two previous therapists (four years at first one and one year at second)) I can control my thoughts, but lately it has been me thinking about dying. Consciously or subconsciously, I am not sure. I am sure however, that I don’t want to grow up. I had always felt that I would not make it past eighteen. That feeling had been instilling fear deep in my heart for a while, but now I feel as though that is just what was planned for me.
My father is one of the of the types of parents who feels the intense need to write off my depression and mental health as a hormones or a lack of effort. It hurts knowing my father does not believe that I can be sad. I use to cut, I am only about 3 months clean. I had been doing it since I was in 6th grade and it got worse because my father refused to believe I was doing it for any reason other than attention. The past few days I have had thoughts of cutting so severe that I almost threw myself in front of a car on the way to the bus stop in the morning.
I really just want all of the pain to go away. I shouldn’t think like this but I really just want it all to end. I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to be depressed. I was a happy kid and looking back on the years of joy hurts more than it should. I have been feeling as though I may not make it another year, that for me this is all there is. I don’t want to live in a world where I am sad and everyone around me is affected by it. I don’t want to live period. Although, some days when I really consider suicide, I think of all the people my death would ruin. Some days it works and other days nothing can stop my overwhelming urge to disintegrate into the earth’s crust.
Some days I have such intense bouts of depression, that as I walk around the halls of my school my body feels like it is just moving by itself. That I am not actually making any progress. It feels like I am 1000 pounds and the more I walk the more I wish I wasn’t. I can’t tell anybody this though, any of this. My father just lost his dog of 15 years two weeks ago, my mother is having a battle of her own and I cannot bring my problems to overshadow hers, my bestfriend and the only person I want to talk to is growing up and getting a job and making plans for her future, and none of my other family is close enough to me. I don’t have a god to pray to because I don’t believe that someone would put people on a planet to watch them suffer and grant them misery every day without mercy. I have nobody and I am nothing.
I may only give myself a few more years or months but I feel as though, maybe for everyone, my dying would be better off. Today is one of the days where I think of my parents and how much they need me here, but tomorrow may not be the same. I have been thinking about how I would do it and I think that to save my parents and friends from finding my body, I would run away and die somewhere far away. Maybe say I was leaving the country and just do it far away from them so they don’t have to find me. I hate that I think like this but there isn’t much fight left in me. I am tired all the time, I don’t find pleasure doing things a majority of the time. I hope I stop hurting soon.
I must apologize in advance, because I’m going to put a lot of videos and articles in this post and it will probably occupy a lot of space on the starting page of this site (needless to say, feel free to write your opinions about euthanasia in the comment section).
And a PDF about euthanasia in Belgium:
Trouble, oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face and it’s too much, too much for me
Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see
You’re eating my heart away and there’s nothing much left of me
I’ve drunk your wine, you have made your world mine
So won’t you be fair, so won’t you be fair
I don’t want no more of you, so won’t you be kind to me
Just let me go where I’ll have to go there
Trouble, oh trouble move away
I have seen your face and it’s too much for me today
Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see
You have made me a wreck, now won’t you leave me in my misery
I’ve seen your eyes and I can see death’s disguise
Hangin’ on me, hangin’ on me
I’m beat, I’m torn, shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see, too shocking to see
Trouble, oh trouble move from me
I have paid my dept, now won’t you leave me in my misery
Trouble, oh trouble please be kind
I don’t want no fight and I haven’t got a lot of time
What really is the meaning of life? I cost my parents a bunch of money and feel like a burden on them. I have 2 friends that actually seem to care about me. My work is dropping me. If I end it, i will no longer have to feel this way. People will be sad, but I won’t have to think about it when I’m dead. Therapy doesn’t seem to do anything for me.
I’ve stopped taking my meds in hopes of bringing back all the shittiness and to maybe store meds for if I ever decide to kill myself and I tell myself that it’s better than feeling numb but I honestly just hate myself and I feel so uncomfortable unless my chest is bound and I don’t know why. but I just wanna fucking die. I’m so tired and I hate myself and I can’t find the energy to do anything and I can’t reach out to anyone and my mom won’t stop preaching about god and I’m all alone and fuck. I really just wanna die. would I be found quickly if I killed myself at school cause I don’t want my parents to find me but I really just want to kill myself. my mom found my blades so she took those but I need something to control so I’ve tried to stop eating lunch but I can’t cause I’m fucking weak but I’m too fat and I just want to kill myself. I hate my body. someone kill me