Life…ha! I genuinley just have no interest in anything, ever. I dont feelÂ emotions except sadness andÂ anger.
I recently quit my job due to daily breakdowns, the phone would ring and i would cry? Someone would ask me how my day has been and i would breakdwn into a pathetic mess…Â Why i wonder? and now, i dont get outÂ of bed untill late afternoon. I have no desire for anything, i dont want anything from life. I have withdrawn myself from all of my friends and family, i dont talk to anyone anymore. IveÂ stopped eating, just living off of coffee and cigarettes withÂ an occasionalÂ biteÂ of something just to keep me alive.
Ive just given up on the constant battle for happieness, for years i have beenÂ trying toÂ create something that is obviously impossible. IÂ surrender, its so much easier this way.
I suppose it could ahve something to do living with a mentaly ill mother, never seeing her smile or laugh, having negative energy, thoughts and words thrown at me 24/7. But what can you do?
For some reason, fucked up people always have a way of finding me, using me. just over it, over everything. i give up.
I tell myself things will get better, i try and force myself to try and make a good life, but i just dont see the point, whats the use of making money if you cant feel happieness? Whats the point of looking for love when you will never feel it? Im unsure of how i want to end my life, something that wont leave a mess, and not too painfull.
Although, Im considering turning to drugs and alco again, let them play with my mind,Â butÂ it costs money, something i have veryÂ little of now i am unemployed. Sleep for drugs? I dont fancy being raped again… atleast i would be off my head and i probably wouldnt remeber it.
Who knows, still deciding on what i wish to do with myself, just felt like having a miserable winge to somebody who is bored.