I’ve always had this need to get away, far away. Whatever profession I considered for myself, I always looked for the potential to work in another country. From reading posts on this site and information on people with suicidal thoughts and tendencies it seems that the common thoughts or desires are for freedom. So how come we don’t go for it? If we want to be free then why arent we? We think that the only option there is is to kill ourselves and that will set us free but arent there other options? I’ve recently been looking into the Military. How silly. I am almost done with my masters in Speech-Language Pathology and I dont want it. I am not proud of it because looking back at all the crap I went through (that I myself created) while I was in the program, I am still surprised that I wasnt kicked out. I made a joke of my career and no matter what people tell me (I did so well, and dont think about the screw ups, you cant change it so move on) it doesnt penetrate me because how I acted goes against my own value system. And isnt it our values that make us who we are? This is not the kind of person and professional I want to be. My actions were a result of continuous childhood abuse and neglect that continued up to this day. I feel empy, like I have no purpose and as a child all I wanted was to learn and contribute something of my self. And I couldnt do it the way I wanted to because of all the demons inside if me that kept holding me back. I wish I could have another chance at life and be the person I always wanted to be. But how silly is it to join the Military at 25 after already going through 7 years of schooling?
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Yes, that would be top silly thing to do, Sveta, to join the military. If you want to be a patriot, that is another thing, but you are not going to let a bulllet shot by a stupid moron destroy your life, are you? If you are a patriot, I mean a Russian patriot, we can talk about it.
If you could start by leaving the US, that would be great:)
regards
O
I exactly feel the same!!! when I was a high school boy I was amazed by the achievements made in physics and maths by one of the greatest scientists of all ages, Isaac Newton, so I wanted to become a physicist to know what’s going in this damn world using a scientific approach! In the fucking country where I live, there’s no good career for those who study pure and basic sciences and it’s terribly difficult to continue your studies in higher levels. My father was in a terrible financial situation at the time so I was advised by my older brother and my uncle to study sth which can help me find a decent job asap! so I ended up in accounting which I don’t like at all. After graduation I got a rather good job in a big company as an accountant but this fucking job doesn’t make me happy at all.
Now I feel a great desire to start learning music and a second foriegn language or maybe a third one and at the same time if I want to have a good career in this damn accounting profession I have to do my masters and this means wasting at least 2 more years, I’m in such a big dilema!!
At university I had classmate who was suffering from the same problem, but apparently he was more determined than me in changing his destiney. When I saw him some months ago after maybe more than 8-9 years he told me he’s now studying computer from the very scratch, sth I knew he loved very much! So my friend, don’t waste your time making another mistake by joining the army which will restric your freedom even more!
Just like you I like to get out of my own country and see the world, it’s a bit hard for me but I’m sure as an American it would be much easier for you!! English is your mother tongue and you can teach it in non-English speaking countries! There’s a great demand for ESL teachers all over the world. This way you can see the world and get the freedom that you said you are looking for and you can earn your living by teaching English which is quite fun I think, Just give it some serious thought.
Good Luck
lol, thanks for your reply. I never saw myself teaching English but that is a thought. Since my post I went back to writing my diary and that made me feel quite free. I am also beginning to consider moving to another state in the profession that i am studying and then ill take it from there. who knows what thoughts ill have tomorrow. 🙂 Everyday my thoughts wander. there’s actually so many possibilities if i find the strength to let go.
well, correct me if I am wrong but Svetlana is Russian or Russian native speaker. If that is ‘yes’, then don´t tell me Svetlana that you were thinking about joining the American army, …you were not going to do that, were you ?
You can tell not only by her name, which means, “Light”, so if you say, I saw Svetlana, you are saying “I saw the light”. Second, her English does have Slavic language traits, and third, her mentality is definitively not plain American but she does have a lot of Russian background, she is mature, serious, responsible, thoughtful, and if I saw her from a mile away I could recognize her among a crowd of thousand Americans.
I am Russian, Russian-Jewish, born in Ukraine. I havent joined the army just yet. But in extreme desperation I was looking into that. I think I would be much better at it than Speech-Language Pathology. I have two personalities, the soft and sweet and the rough and intense. I am not able to bring the second part of me out and that is making me depressed, extremely depressed. I wish there was a profession that was trully right for me, where I could bring all my parts out. I had to suppress so much of me because of my conditioning and I’m paying the price now. The darker part of me people dont want to hear, they tell me im being silly. And I just want to scream because I feel stuck. I began writing, poetry and I hope to write a memoir. If thats the only place where I can be myself well atleast I have that.
Thanks for your comment.