I originally posted this about a almost a year ago and unfortunately I still haven’t worked up the courage to kill myself. Nothing has changed except I haven’t seen a mouse in awhile but if I’m not running the ac, I can smell dead mice. I didn’t want to rewrite this, so I’m just reposting it. Today is my birthday. I’m 45 today and all I want for my birthday is the courage to end my life.. Or to die in my sleep. My preferred method of death is by drowning. There’s a place not too far my house where I think I could do this. I’m afraid of failing though. I don’t want to be stopped, rescued or saved. I don’t want to be locked away in the looney bin for days on end. Before this day ends, I want this birthday to be transformed into my deathday. Here’s what I wrote a month ago. If you’re bored enough to read this, I hope you find it entertaining. Happy deathday to me.
I’m a 44 year old gay guy, with no job, no money and no friends. I live in a roach and mouse infested roomming house. I’m even watching a mouse run around my room as a I write this. I’m diabetic and losing my teeth. I even had one fall out today. I have very bad credit so unless healthcare is free, I can do nothing about it. Which is a good thing. I’m fairly well-educated and I consider my health problems to be something good. I know for a fact that if I do nothing, I’ll get worse, first becoming disabled and then finally dead. If I had the guts to do it, I’d kill myself right now. I wanted to give myself the gift of death for my 40th birthday but unfortunately I wimped out. I had decided when I was 14, that 40 was long enough to live. Why wait until your old and decrepit. That’s not living. That’s lingering.
I know that I’m a victim of my own choices. I lived my life in a way that could only be sustainable for relatively short time. I didn’t expect to need money or healthcare because I had planned to be dead by now. I know I don’t have the courage to actually kill myself but I keep hoping it’ll come to me. Maybe someday it will.
My only job in the last 4 years is being a temp at an ivy league school, working part time. It’s way too much money to be eligible for medicaid or any other benefits. I’ve been on and off unemployment between temp jobs. When I lost my job 4 years ago, I had no support from any of my “friends.†The first few months I was out of work, I didn’t call anyone or go out. No one called me either. When I ran into one friend, he said “oh, I figured you were depressed since I haven’t seen you in a few months.†Gave me such a warm fuzzy feeling. Like swallowing a box of thumbtacks.
I haven’t talked to or seen another person in days. Unless I’m lucky enough to die in my sleep tonight, I’ll be at the soup kitchen tomorrow. They’re closed on weekends so it’s hotdogs from the dollar store and water until tomorrow. I’ll get to eat and see people just as bad off as I am. A great life, isn’t it?
Don’t tell me things will get better. They’ve only gotten progressively worse. I don’t have the resources to change my situation. It is what it is. Don’t tell me to pray to your god. I’m atheist. I find it insulting when someone tries to force their religion on me. Keep it in the privacy of your own home.
If you feel the need to respond to this, tell me a quick, painless way to die. Otherwise keep your thoughts to yourself. Suicide can be a good thing sometimes and I envy the people who had the courage to do it.
9 comments
14 going on 45? You’re afraid there may just be negative consquences, man. Darn awareness… I deal with that every day, yo. That fear. May you find the peace and satisfaction you seek, bro.
oh boy i didn’t read it all im going to bed honest im on here feeling the same way everyone else is but i could neverrrrr see anyone hurt the way i hurt and do something like that i to want to die but i dont want to see anyone! die i understand everything!!! ur going through please dont and please talk to me i wont say things you dont wanna hear because i dont wanna hear them 2…
e-mail-mkafan12@yahoo.com
Drowning does not sound like such a good way to go. I am not against suicide. Jump somehow- train, building, or bridge…
Unless you bought enough OTC benadryl and took a bottle or 2 and went for swim after dark.
If you’re gonna jump, take some valium 1st, it’ll calm the nerves…
Okay does anyone else have suicidal feelings that are almost overwhelming in their strength!? I mean I’ve realised after talking with a couple of friends who have suicidal urges now and then (suicidal-ideation) that with them when the are feeling suicidal while it is strong, after awhile it always passes and they then think omg *shudders* I’m glad I didn’t act out on that! But with me those suicidal feelings are unremitting cuz they’re always there, they never go away, but you know the funny thing is I don’t mind anymore… cuz I want to die so much that I honestly can’t wait till I can. I even fantasize about dying all the time. Anyways I just wanted to ask that question, cya!!! ^_^
Can everyone please stop considering killing yourselves?! No matter how bad life seems, you’ll realize later that killing yourself would he worse! Theres always a person in the world that would care about you. A world full of billions of people and not one person wanting to love you is impossible. I bet if I knew you, I’d help you and let you live with me and love you.
> If you’re bored enough to read this, I hope you find it entertaining.
The account of your suffering triggered a sense of camaraderie instead of schadenfreude.
Drowning isn’t painless. The CO2 buildup will cause an intense burning sensation. Your last moments will be spent in an oxygen starved panic. It can take several minutes (upwards of 4-6) to lose consciousness.
There are three low cost “painless†methods:
1) Massive trauma to the brainstem (shotgun)
2) Inert gas (******** or helium)
3) Hydrogen sulfide (lime sulfur + hydrochloric acid)
For more details, please respond with an email address. I respect your decision and will not try to change your mind.
If you find the quick painless way to die, please post it before you die so I can do the same. I’ve been wanting to die for so long. People say I shouldn’t but I have nothing to live for anymore and haven’t for a long time. No money, no friends, family that can’t do anything for me. They don’t want me dead for selfish reasons. They don’t want to endure the pain of losing me, but that pain eventually subsides. So I have to live with constant , 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year pain that NEVER goes away with nothing but constant reminders of how awful my life is and I am. There was never a worse person to live than me, according to what I’ve been told by my ex. I wish I could just close my eyes, go to sleep and NEVER wake up again. I am a waste of a life and the air I breath.
If feels better reminding myself of this. Not even holidays are happy anymore. Life sucks, I suck and wish it would all end. I’m like the author. Too afraid to do it myself because I’ll fail and get locked up, go through the required counseling, but it doesn’t help at all. Why can’t people just let me end my life and leave me be?
I feel your pain. I too no longer want to live. Why is everyone opposed to letting us die? I pray every night to not wake up.