I originally posted this about a almost a year ago and unfortunately I still haven’t worked up the courage to kill myself. Nothing has changed except I haven’t seen a mouse in awhile but if I’m not running the ac, I canÂ smell dead mice. I didn’t want to rewrite this, so I’m just reposting it. Today is my birthday. I’m 45 today and all I want for my birthday is the courage to end my life.. Or to die in my sleep. My preferred method of death is by drowning. There’s a place not too far my house where I think I could do this. I’m afraid of failing though. I don’t want to be stopped, rescued or saved. I don’t want to be locked away in the looney bin for days on end. Before this day ends, I want this birthday to be transformed into my deathday. Here’s what I wrote a month ago. If you’re bored enough to read this, I hope you find it entertaining. Happy deathday to me.
Iâ€™m a 44 year old gay guy, with no job, no money and no friends. I live in a roach and mouse infested roomming house. Iâ€™m even watching a mouse run around my room as a I write this.Â Iâ€™m diabetic and losing my teeth. I even had one fall out today. I have very bad credit so unless healthcare is free, I can do nothing about it. Which is a good thing. Iâ€™m fairly well-educated and I consider my health problems to be something good. I know for a fact that if I do nothing, Iâ€™ll get worse, first becoming disabled and then finally dead. If I had the guts to do it, Iâ€™d kill myself right now. I wanted to give myself the gift of death for my 40th birthday but unfortunately I wimped out. I had decided when I was 14, that 40 was long enough to live. Why wait until your old and decrepit. Thatâ€™s not living. Thatâ€™s lingering.
I know that Iâ€™m a victim of my own choices. I lived my life in a way that could only be sustainable for relatively short time. I didnâ€™t expect to need money or healthcare because I had planned to be dead by now. I know I donâ€™t have the courage to actually kill myself but I keep hoping itâ€™ll come to me. Maybe someday it will.
My only job in the last 4 years is being a temp at an ivy league school, working part time. Itâ€™s way too much money to be eligible for medicaid or any other benefits. Iâ€™ve been on and off unemployment between temp jobs. When I lost my job 4 years ago, I had no support from any of my â€œfriends.â€ The first few months I was out of work, I didnâ€™t call anyone or go out. No one called me either. When I ran into one friend, he said â€œoh, I figured you were depressed since I havenâ€™t seen you in a few months.â€ Gave me such a warm fuzzy feeling. Like swallowing a box of thumbtacks.
I havenâ€™t talked to or seen another person in days. Unless Iâ€™m lucky enough to die in my sleep tonight, Iâ€™ll be at the soup kitchen tomorrow. Theyâ€™re closed on weekends so itâ€™s hotdogs from the dollar store and water until tomorrow. Iâ€™ll get to eat and see people just as bad off as I am. A great life, isnâ€™t it?
Donâ€™t tell me things will get better. Theyâ€™ve only gotten progressively worse. I donâ€™t have the resources to change my situation. It is what it is. Donâ€™t tell me to pray to your god. Iâ€™m atheist. I find it insulting when someone tries to force their religion on me. Keep it in the privacy of your own home.
If you feel the need to respond to this, tell me a quick, painless way to die. Otherwise keep your thoughts to yourself. Suicide can be a good thing sometimes and I envy the people who had the courage to do it.