A Letter I’d Never Send

Dear Steven,

I would never really send this letter to you for fear that it would just dredge up something you’ve been trying to forget…

US.

Still, I need to get out how I’m feeling, even if it’s in a letter I’d never send, it helps somewhat.

I’ve thought about how I would start off a letter to you millions of times, going over and over it in my head, and I think I’ve finally come up with a good greeting.

I love you.

There. Plain, simple, to the point; Perfect.

Almost.

I love you, but it hurts like hell to love you. I really wish I didn’t sometimes because I know I can never have you again like I used too. We have our friendship, but that hurts too because it lets me know thats all I’ll ever have with you again. Sometimes…..Sometimes I think I could hate you, really hate you, if I didn’t love you.

I dream about you all the time. What we were, what we could be again if only you were here, I’m always dreaming about you. Always. The dreams make the pain worse. They show me what I can’t have anymore, what I let slip away because of my own weaknesses. They let me know there is someone who loved me with all his heart and I can’t get him back, no matter how much I want too. I can only have him in my dreams, and those only last for the night and then they’re gone, just like that. Just like you.

 That hurts like hell.

I care about you more then anyone else in the world,  enough to let your love tear me up inside and make me feel like theres nothing I can do to stop it. Enough to let you penetrate my every thought, every move, every action. Enough to hinder me from ever being with anyone else, enough to ever really be happy. I guess my happiness is just another sacrifice I’ve had to make for you.

You’ve been gone for just about a year, a year of torture for me. A year of pining for you, of wishing you’d come back, of never wanting to see you again, of wanting to see you again, of hating you, of missing you, of loving you.

Well…now you are coming back, for a short time. I don’t know how to feel. I thought I’d gotten over you. We stopped talking, stopped thinking of each other, and then I got your message and your telling me your coming out to see me and you’ve missed me. I don’t know what to feel anymore. My love for you isn’t gone, not by a long-shot, I don’t even believe it’s faded whatsoever, I’m convinced now that that isn’t possible. What is possible though, is that just how fish learn how to breathe without oxygen, I’ve learned to live without you. Even though I’ve never quite mastered how to keep you out of my mind, I thought I’d finally realized that I needed to move on and let it go, let you go. Now that you’re coming back….it’s like I’m taking 100 steps back in the progress I made in trying to forget you. I can’t truly pretend like you didn’t exsist if you come back and are keeping me occupied again with your smile. Your smile, your laugh, your blue eyes, your hugs, your soft kisses, you fingers intertwined with mine, all these things keep my thoughts from straying to anything other then you.

I don’t know if I should see you. I’ve been running through this whole thing in my mind for days. IF I see you it will be for so short a time that it will hurt even more when you leave then it did the first time, because the first time I wasn’t expecting it, I didn’t have to say goodbye out loud. This time I’d really have to say it, and let my heart shatter into a million pieces rather then a thousand.  But not seeing you….I don’t think I could handle that either. I’ve waited to long, pined to much, dreamed to hopefully, wished to  desperately. I’VE WANTED IT TOO MUCH. Hmm…Decisions, decisions. My mind does not like making them, and my heart doesn’t like this one either. No matter which choice I make there will always be consquences. If I see you I’ll feel broken when you leave again, but if I don’t see you while your here I know there will still be this empty hole in my chest that you left. How do I know it’s there?? Well, I’ve been walking around it, trying to decide if I should just fall in and let the darkness devour me.

I can’t really truly believe that you’re going to be here and I’m going to be held in your arms again, feeling safe and loved just as I once did. If anything, I can truly say all this pain has been worth it. Why, you may ask me.

Well, I’ll end this letter telling you why, and ending it the way I started it.

I love you.

Yours Truly,

~Violet