Suicidal ideation is my security blanket. It’s always there for me, to comfort me, when I have no one else.
I am supposed to be strong for my kids, for my mother, for my job. No one respects the weak and unbalanced. I am a show, a puppet. I go through this life looking for happiness yet never finding it, then pretending I’m fine, when I am not.
If I disappeared off the face of the earth, it wouldn’t matter. My kids would grieve and miss me, I know. My mother might even be upset. Otherwise, I’ve made no mark in this world so that my non-existence would even matter.
I’m a blip on the radar that cannot be seen or acknowledged. No one cares about me, yet I care too much about others.
I hate my life and everything about it.
I want to die today, but I may not want to tomorrow. However, suicide is ALWAYS on my mind to comfort me and give me an “out”.
No one understands how I feel. No one understands the pain I suffer daily. They think the meds I take to control my bipolar and personality disorder are supposed to be magical pills that make me whole and happy. They don’t understand that those are not cure-alls.
Nothing goes right in my life. I’ve lost my faith in God because he’s never been a help to me. Everytime I pray for my pain to end it only gets worse, so I’ve stopped praying. Sometimes I think I am God’s joke on this planet to torture and toy with.
I want to die. I want to no longer exist. I no longer want to go through the motions of a life I don’t enjoy.
I want to die.
1 comment
Your kids depend on you…you’re MOM and no one can replace you. They will always look up to you and be the person they depend on like you depend on the thought of suicide. Imagine if one of you kids killed themselves, no longer existed in your life. Your mother would fall apart. You said thats all the people you would effect but you have those people’s hearts and those hearts are filled with a ton of love, and love for you. Its not the quantity, but the quality. Being a mother is my dream. That’s the most respectable job anybody can ever do and it takes a strong person to pull through when you feel like taking the easy way out. My best friend was bipolar and killed herself and I miss her more than anything in the world and I am close with her mom and her mom hurts. You are here for a reason and maybe you don’t think you have a reason to be here but one damn good reason is your MOM!
Hope you feel better 🙂