I am 18 years old and 6’2″, yet I don’t think anyone will ever see me as anything other than a child. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see myself as an actual adult. I feel completely powerless. I am sick of people condescending to me. I am sick of thinking that I deserve it. The helplessness makes me want to scream my lungs dead, scratch at the walls of my room until my fingernails fall off, claw at my eyes until they bleed. I feel like the only way I can prove some semblance of power to anyone–even myself–is to blow my brains out. Make everyone scream and vomit when they see my red insides. That’s the only thing I could ever make them do. I do not want to do it so people will feel bad for me. I want to remind the whole world that they, too, are nothing but decaying garbage.
If I could give any piece of advice to future generations, it is this: be a douchebag. Take whatever you can whenever you can. Trample over anyone who will let you. Anyone is a victim who will let you treat them as such. Assholes rule the world from the day they’re born to the day they die. Kindness gets you nowhere. I should know; I’ve been trying it for 18 years now. I’ll be trying it until the day I die, only because I don’t know how to do anything else. I have always considered myself to be kind, gentle, and very soft-spoken, and it has brought me nothing but feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing.
It used to not bother me so much, this past year or so. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since adolescence; I’ve even been hospitalized for it once several years ago. But recently, somewhere out of the directionless void I’d been living in throughout my teenage years, I decided that I wanted to be a writer. People have always told me that I’m a good writer, and it felt wonderful to have a purpose in life. I started reading and writing feverishly in preparation. I have never expected much from my life–I am not one of those fortunate few lucky enough to have been born attractive and extroverted–but it would all seem worthwhile if I could just realize my dream of writing a book. Just that goal was enough to keep me away from suicidal thoughts. But it didn’t take long before the ever-present fear of inadequacy made me question that, too. I worry that I’ll spend my life so paralyzed by my fear of failure that I’ll never end up doing anything at all. It’s just that this is not the right world for living on noble impulses. It’s hard to hang on to real dreams in such a predatory place. I find it both amazing and disgusting how easily people can distort and ruin your hopes.
At the heart of it all is that constant sense of helplessness. I’ve never been masculine enough. I shouldn’t have been born a boy. I shouldn’t have been born at all. It’s always a nice comfort to tell myself that I am in charge of my own future and I don’t need anyone else but myself to validate my own identity, but I can’t escape the feeling that my whole life is lying prostrate against the whims of others. Suicide seems like the only way to break free. I don’t care if I’m dead (I don’t believe in an afterlife), it’s better than being powerless. Sartre was right, hell is other people.
Anyways, sorry if that was a bit jumbled; I’m just kind of ranting. If anyone else feels like this, please tell me about it. I would love to hear your stories. Thank you all very much for reading. It means a lot to me to know that somebody cares enough to listen.
6 comments
I too feel this way…I’ve never fit the requirements of a ‘normal’ 16 year old female teenager. I’ve never been pretty enough, skinny enough, or smart enough. People will say anything to get what they what and won’t stop until the get it. All my life I wished my parents would get a divorce to end the hell I live in. Constant fighting which ended up being turned on me. I’ve always been told I’ll never amount to anything and I was a mistake.
Almost two years exactly, I should have been dead. That night I had enough of everyone’s shit. I took my pain meds from when I broke my wrist and put a gun to my head. I took a deep breath in and pulled the trigger. All I heard was a click. The bullet never fired but it had the imprint from where the hammer of the gun hit the bullet. The gun didn’t jam. I should have been dead. What happened that night was a one in a billion chance. I thought it meant something like life was going to get better and it did. But it only lasted a little bit and now I wish I was dead.
I understand your pain completely. I can’t get good grades, I’m not liked by anyone. Even my guidence councilor told me I would be better off dropping out because all I’m good enough for is slave work. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t ever talk to anyone anymore because I get told to suck it up and stop being so emotional or I get told to fuck off. I agree with Sartre; Hell IS other people…
To brokenheart4ever:
Your guidance counsellor should be ashamed of themselve. How dare they sit there and tell you what you are or are not good enough to do. Never allow anyone to define who you are or determine your destination. So you are having tough times in school….school is very important but even so everyone has their niche and school may not be it for you. Once you have done your best in that aspect, then chill because you can’t do anything else. You’ve already given your best and that is all that matters. But I hope that you can see pass all of the negative aspects of your life and continue pressing forward for whatever it is that you want out of your life. In life ‘brokenheart4ever’, it’ doesn’t matter where you start, it’s where you finish, it doesn’t matter where you begin, its where you end up. This means that no matter what you are going through right now, it doesn’t neccesarily have to impact your life negatively unless you allow it too. There are countless people who have had tough times and humble beginnings in life and they ended up living a great, fulfilling, successful life. You are in control of your destiny and never give anyone else that power. The world is on your axis:). So control it!
To fiver:
From your writings here I can truly believe that you have great potential to become a successful writer: journalist, novelist, etc. You seem to be very mature and intellectual to me which is why I cannot fathom in a million years how you can allow the thought of ‘I am not an adult’ to even take root in your mind. Being an adult is more than how old your are or how old you think you are. It’s about the way you handle situations when faced with them, the way you stand for what you believe in, the way you take charge in situations that seem to be rather difficult. Those characteristics qualifies you as an adult and i’m certain that you possess each of those qualities.
As for your advice to future generations, i disagree with you. They should never trample over anyone to get where they desire to get. An ancient chinese proverb says, there are many paths to the top of the mountain but the view is the same. Even though they all may end up at the same destination, the way they get there determines who they truly are as individuals…crooked cheaters or diligent workers. And at some point, they will be identified and acknowledge for who they truly are.It is factual that NOONE LIKES A CHEATER!
Continue to be the sweet, considerate, kindhearted person that you are and eventually others will take notice and respect you for it. You have only resided on this earth for 18 years….not enough time to decided if you have experienced life enough. So hold in there and i’m looking forward to read your books.
May peace be with you:) If you ever need to vent, smile or need someone to share your stories with you can contact me at angeloflight91@hotmail.com
Dude you are totally right. I consider myself kind, generous, and open-minded. I’ve come to learn that people think I’m a sensitive pushover, while I consider most people to be rude selfish assholes. Well the RSA’s are a lot happier than I am and they could care less what anyone thinks about them. Knowing this, it’s still not so easy for me to just “change,” though.
I feel the same way you do.
What sort of things did you write – fiction, Non-fiction etc?
“It’s just that this is not the right world for living on noble impulses. It’s hard to hang on to real dreams in such a predatory place. I find it both amazing and disgusting how easily people can distort and ruin your hopes.”
damn right