The fallout of my life

It started the first week of April of this year when I started becoming extremely depressed. It was my first year of college and my first year away from home and it was difficult. I had no problem making friends though, I had the most wonderful support group at school! We were inseperable. After Easter though, my roommates Dad passed away from an illness and things were really difficult for her. I tried to be there in every way possible. We talked every night and I tried to make sure that she was alright. From my experience with death in reletives is to just be happy that they are in a better place. I’m an optimist and idealist and I just want people to feel happy. She mistook that for me not caring. Eventually I had a fallout with my 3 best friends at school and life felt miserable. Since then we have reconnected and they understand what I meant now and we are all friends again but it isn’t the same. We don’t have that closeness as before.
Another reason for my hopelessness is my friends from home. I don’t feel connected to them anymore as I did in college. I knew this would happen since my two best friends go to school and room together. They have gotten even closer and I feel left out. I try not to act in self pity but I don’t feel like I have anyone to deeply talk to anymore. I have told no one of my thoughts of suicide because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I just want my friends back or a friend I can seriously confide in. Friends are everything to me. I’ve been starting to become paranoid that maybe it’s all me. Maybe I’m pushing everyone away, or not trying hard enough to get back into the swing of things. I’m starting to become afraid of my thoughts and afraid of what I’m becoming. This isn’t me and I’m wondering where the happy bubbly outgoing confident girl was that I had in me a year ago. I want her back.
Please, I’m trying to reach out to anyone who will hear me. Maybe I just need someone to tell me it’s alright. I just need to know that there is someone out there who believes in me like I can’t. I wantto see the beauty in everything again. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, a stranger in my own body, my mind.
But, the one gesture today that probably saved my life, was the flower man who sells bouquets outside my work. We are on a first name basis and today he called me over on my way to the bus stop to go home and gave me a bouquet for “all my hard work.” He said he was proud of me. I don’t think he’ll ever know the happiness he brought to my day. For the first time in a while, I felt believed in and loved.