To be or Not to be?

I have been feeling very low over the past few weeks. The emptiness in me growing.  My fatigue worsens – as it is not physical but in my mind.  I feel all of my age and several more.  I am isolating myself from family and acquaintances. Can’t claim to have friends and don’t think I have any foes either.  What have I done about all this?   Not very much – I made my first enquiries about Dignitas. Stayed out last night.  Today first I thought I will go for a walk to waterside to clear my head – not likely to happen when I don’t live close to water.  Thought I’ll speak to someone who I consider a friend – the call lasted 8 min 30 sec – I increasingly get the feeling that he is trying to pull away & so I want to let him go.  I called off.  And then I stumbled on this site…. and read the post by “~Cate” – I started writing my comment to her post – 3 – 4 hours later I have just finished it.   

I have spoken to The Samaritans in the past.  It seemed a joke to me.  Their interest seems to lie with the answers to “Are you feeling suicidal?  Are you going to kill yourself now, in the next 30 min or in the next hour, may be the next 24 hrs?” If the answer is “ No. “  they don’t seem interested anymore – that is usually the case.    The change in the tone & pitch of their voice from this point on … makes the whole thing sound phony.  Strange isn’t it, that there is no interest in solving the problem which brought the person to this way of thinking in the first place.   Stranger is the sense of satisfaction when the stranger promises not to commit suicide after the brief talk with the Samaritan!  How many times is this forever?   

I find it even more interesting / rather curious  that there is no such support system for those feeling homicidal!  If one such group existed what questions do you think that  they would be allowed to ask be forced to ask and care about: “Are  you feeling homicidal? Are you going to kill someone now, in the next 30 min or in the next hour, may be the next 24 hours? “  What will this support group be called - Better Samaritans?  They are indeed likely to save more than one life through this service by stopping one homicidal person, aren’t they?   Wait, what if the answer received after the brief chat is  “Yes!”?   What would the ‘Better Samaritan’ do then?  Does the writer / author in you see a script / story developing here?   [Titles: Name it after the do-gooders “The Better Samaritans” or the homicide “When I say When”. The more I edit this piece the more ideas keep floating through my head.] If he / she does,  may be you should put down whatever instrument you were going to be using to top yourself and instead pick up the writing instrument of your choice and put ink/graphite to paper.  You are likely to have a lot of work to do once you have completed the writing….  You should probably put the other instrument in a safe place; a place  so safe that you can’t find it lest it should distract you from your new project.  

I am not particularly suicidal – but I have lost my purpose in life and along with it the meaning for my being, the raison d’etre.  I can’t seem to find them anywhere.  Every step that I take to add some meaning to my life  seems to end in failure.  I feel sad, alone, unwanted, at times a nuisance to those around me. I am tired of pretending to be happy, period.  I don’t want to bother others with my troubles either.  Am I suicidal?  I don’t know.  I am seriously contemplating ways to end my life without having to suffer the legal aftermath, that usually accompanies suicide and making sure that those people I leave behind are going to be better off.  To this effect I am drafting my will along with an advanced directive as to how my corpse is to be disposed off etc.  I am reading up on the small print with joining Dignitas, checking this site out – do these things make me suicidal – am I or am I not? I still don’t know.  

So what I am going to do now?  May be go out again and spend the night away, again.    Keep this tag open. Review it in a few days time or maybe even tomorrow…. Most importantly get something to eat – now that is not suicidal, can be depending on the food chosen.  Jokes apart, I will leave this world behind one day. When I do I’ll not be coming back.  To make sure that everything happens as planned I should feed my body for now so my best laid plans don’t fail this time.  There are no second chances in death.

P.S.: What did I tell you about every plan of mine NOT coming together, I think my plans of going out are going to fail yet again as it is now too late!