I just saw something really horrible, by mistake. I was searching for a horror movie that I couldn’t remember the full name of, so I Googled what I thought it was and after searching further I came across a link that I assumed was a horror movie – it turned out to be real footage of an horrific crime that happened in the Ukraine. It was 3 boys that went around smashing people to death with hammers and they recorded their crimes, some of it got leaked onto the net and I just came across one of them. Â Before I watched the video there was a big red heading that said that this was REAL and VERY DISTURBING, despite this, and due to the fact that I am numb of any feeling lately, I just thought ‘f@ck it, I’ll watch it’ Â and honestly, I am not that squirmish at all, but I am floored by my reaction to this video. I have been crying and shaking for over an hour, it has deeply disturbed me.Â
I know that these kind of crimes happen all the time – there’s probably a hundred of em happening whilst I’m typing this, but those boys were laughing and so ruthless and just would NOT let up, even when the victim was a total mess, they STILL kept torturing them AND I came out of the site not even half way through!! All their victims were completely unrecognisable, and all their victims were vulnerable people such as the elderly, disabled, children or drunken tramps. I am sickened by this human act. I am ashamed to be human.
I have been suicidal for about a year, I tried one attempt but failed, but I always felt sure that I would pluck up the courage again one day. After watching this video, I now know this for sure, and I am determined not to fail this time. This has been the sign that I have been praying for;
I have been praying for a year now, day and night for some sign, some hope for me to stay alive – something to live for. Over this year I have learned that the only things people want to live for are all material – successes. I have no desire for that. So I have been praying for something other than the material things and fake things that this world promises us (if we work really hard etc). I have been praying. Day and night. For over a year! Â I have lived as pure as any human can be and all that I have been paid back with is hurt and pain. The suffering has no end. I have been praying for over a year, day and night!
During this year I have been paid back for all my praying (literally begging God to help me) with more pain and suffering.Â
I have never committed a crime, and I have never hurt anyone, I don’t even have nasty thoughts! I never have! I cry my eyes out at the news and reports about animal cruelty and poor countries etc. It’s ridiculous!
Last night I didn’t sleep, I cried and begged God to help me all night until the sun came up and I prayed more today. Then I found this video. And now I am taking this as either;
A) God hates me. Â B) There is no God. Â C) If there is a God, he is way to busy for the likes of me and he couldn’t care less if I died or not. Â D) There is a God and he is telling me that I do not belong here and I should pluck up the courage to leave. He has in fact answered my prayers.
I am going with D.