I feel stupid, I feel retarded even…I can’t forget anything even now since I’m living with my mom now…She treats me very nicely but I still hold this anger…this grudge..I don’t know I feel like a nut something wrong. Even the things I do I don’t understand.
I hate my mom…for some reason, I hate her. I don’t even know why…She was always nice to me…But I hate them both..my mother and father. My father he’s a horrible person..he lied to me as well..He got re-married and was cheating on my mom..At least that’s as far as I know. He didn’t even tell me or my brother and sister he got re-married..I’m angry at him but my anger seems to just fade. I just feel depressed for some unknown reason. My life isn’t bad anymore..I told someone..and they called the authority’s.
My grandma claims she never hit me…So she’s not going to jail, my cousin told me to “stay out of his life”..Has he been brainwashed too? He was such a nice boy too…I wished he didn’t need to suffer. But I feel as if he’s changed as well…I don’t know where to go from here..All that anger is still here and I got angry with my mom over clothing..and I began just growling at her and everything..I kept sneaking into the kitchen when everyone else was asleep just bringing the knife close to my wrists..I was a coward, too afraid to even cut myself.
I just don’t know what to do.
I feel as if I hate everything. I feel hatred for my family, I feel foolish for being so stupid, I feel so many things.
And each time my brother or anyone if they talk to me or call my lazy, I remember…I remember horrible things, I remember begging for people to stop. I remember so much. Its just all screwed up…
1 comment
It seems like you are surrounded with people who only cause your stress to be higher and your feelings to be more hurtful. I don’t know what happened with all of your family but I think that it should be addressed so YOU can have some answers. Whether its thru a counselor… Or through a therapist…. A friend you trust- anyone.
For your father leaving- I feel that pain- I had a step father I hated and my real father was never in my life. I will never know why some parents do what they do. You said as far as you know your dad got remarried and cheated on your mom.
We never know the severity of a situation or of others decisions until we walk in their shoes. Is it possible more happened between them? But maybe you were of an age that was not old enough to know everything that happened there? Would it help for you to find out? Maybe some amount of your anger towards both parents is due to that. Feeling abandoned and alone in a situation like that is always harder on the kids
I don’t think your a coward for not killing yourself – I think that is your inner self shining through and subconsciencely showing your will to live. Confusion often happens when you have a lot of weight to carry around. So let’s try and take those weights one by one off and see how much easier it is for you to see, think, and feel more positive.
Address the family issues- I would recommend a therapist that YOU find for you, not someone else- you have to be comfortable talking to them- if nothing else – it might feel better to say it aloud to someone- stay strong