Quantity or quality. I ask myself that everyday. I am somewhat happy now. On meds that stabilize my mood. But I am still empty inside. It is that emptiness that no one understands. I have borderline personality disorder. (And I don’t even know why I chose to share it with any of my friends, they say that I am not borderline and that I am just fine. Yet they fail to answer why I wish to put a bullet in my heart to replace the emptiness.) So I continue to tread lightly. I avoid my triggers. I avoid my triggers like the bubonic plague. What I don’t experience won’t hurt me. I start dialectical behavior therapy next month. It is a 6 month process. I am giving it the college try, plus 6 months after that. If nothing improves, if my sadness continues to dry like paint that never dries, I will make my final walk.
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i wish you luck! ….it will be tough but you can do it!!!
quantity vs. quality of what? my moments of joy seem fleeting compared to my dark times, and it’s almost a cruel joke to have so little joy and so much misery.
how does borderline personality affect your life? i’m trying to understand what makes it different from regular depression…
Z:
I understand how it feels to have people, especially those close to you, not understand you and the things you are going through, not taking it serious, not willing to help you cope with it. However, you cannot allow that to prohibit you success with defeating this sickness. I am so sorry taht you feel emptiness in your soul because that is one of the most unbearable things to be going through. So I feel for you.
I have been in a place before when I made up my mind that I will avoid everything that caused me pain or would or could possibly hurt me. However, that did not work because the problems kept arising until I decided to face them once and for all. I know it must be difficult going through this or alone or at least feeling as if you are. However, you have to face these obstacles in your life and conquer them. I know some things are easier said than done. Even so, it is not unfeasible.
Do not allow your doctors, friends or any other person in your life to make you believe that because you have your disorder that that means you cannot be happy or that happiness, joy and peace are unattainable. It is not!
I may not understand what it is that you are going through but I do know that I care enough to want to help you. If you care to talk, vent or perhaps even find a friend to confide in that wont judge you but only lift your spirits, then you can contact me at angeloflight91@hotmail.com
darkgrrl, imagine never seeing or being able to manifest “gray” in your life, especially with relationships. Everything is black and white. I am so empty inside. And I cry as I write this, mood-stabilizers or not, I want to put a bullet in my skull…I am so alone. Every failed relationship I’ve fucked up in some way all because I never have seen the middle ground (the “gray”), in anything. I’m terrified of meeting anyone new because I run the same script every time, the same “rage” of intense emotions, and if it doesn’t work I run another script that is intense and filled with rage. All the rage and intensity of emotion is directed inward (and felt by the other person), yet I am not capable of physically hurting anyone, I have no interest in hurting anyone, but I am very capable of hurting myself. I just want the emptiness to end. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I have isolated myself because of all the failures, and, now, I need to walk away from this life. Basically, I am a complete failure when it comes to human relationships, that’s what someone with borderline personality disorder suffers from.
Ever see the film Fatal Attraction ? In the original ending she kills herself and the test audience barfed because they wanted the blood and gore of a Hollywood ending, so they re-shot the scene, and Glenn Close’s character tries to kill Micheal Douglas’ character and gets killed by his wife. America then became pleased, the monster was killed. However, the original ending, her suicide, is more consistent with someone with borderline personality disorder because the pain and anguish is directed inward. The whole stigma thing. Probably for another post. Suffice to say, I am not psycho-killer, I am just emotionally dysregulated, I am unable to manage my emotions properly, and a lot of times the emotions feel like an ocean on the back of my skull. My friends say I am just fine. But they don’t know what I know nor do they see what I see. I see things. I internalize it all. It is so tiresome to process it all. No one cares. Everyone tells me to “just stop” or “relax”. The only way for me to do so is to take my final walk.
Thank you, AngelOfLight, for your kind words. I will consider emailing you soon if I need assistance.
I forgot to mention one important thing: if you do some further research & readings, you would find that some of the greatest artists/writers/musicians and works of arts have been created by what today would be called as “emotionally imbalance” individuals/figures. be it manic depression, bipolar, ADD, *any* of these could really signal as a ‘hidden GIFT’ or talents, as part of your Personality Type, perhaps as being more creative or imaginative, or more ‘Sensitive’ (hence, more able to understand deeply and emphatize MORE than most ordinary “normal” people!), and that you can choose to USE these ‘gifts’ to create something meaningful & purposeful to you, and help change the world,..rather than resenting yourself for being “different” and “not normal”.
Therefore, one last thing I wish/hope people here would know: Normalcy is overrated.
Heck, even wikipedia kinda hinted at it, when explaining about the “Late Bloomers”!
in fact, you can see that thorought the human history, the individuals that truly create some NEW, unique, fresh, and inspiring things & ideas are the
ones who are NOT “normal” in any kind!
so I hope this would somewhat/how empowering you, to think differently,
and most importantly, keep living, and doing/creating something, before you leave this earthly life.
Let’s struggle together, my dear friend!