I have tried to write this 5 times, I’m so malfunctioned and exhausted, every single thing I try to do seems impossible, even writing this. I used to be (supposedly am) a successful sports person and I write about sport, but lately I can’t even feed myself. I used sport to keep me busy from thinking that this life is killing me. Just looking at the world kills me a bit every time. I hate it here. Even talking takes too much effort. For me the spell that this world has us all under, has broken, and that has rendered me completely useless. I can hardly breathe. Some people have a cancer or a tumor that is killing them, for me, it is my mind. The horrors of it are destroying me slowly but surely every passing day, I can’t take anymore. I just want to go asleep and never wake up again in this world, oh please god take me away from here.
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Have you felt this bad before? You say that you are a successful sports person and writer and you have used that to keep busy, so I am assuming that this despair that you are feeling is something relatively new? Forgive me if I am wrong.
If I am right then I would like to suggest that you don’t do anything rash during this dark time. How I see it (from experience), is that people try too hard to live aside from their dark times and fear them, this is harmful. Your soul is made of light and dark, you cannot have one without the other, honestly. Society has taught us to fear any ‘dark’ or negative thoughts and even medicate them if necessary which is absurd. Think of it as your own shadow, you can’t be a living human being without a shadow. Think of that shadow as coming and knocking on your door to tell you something, but instead of letting it in and listening to what it has to say, you are hiding in your house shouting for it to go away and treating it as your enemy – just the way society wants you too. Fearing your own shadow is like fearing yourself, you have NOTHING to fear in yourself. You can’t live in a one climate world, winter comes and it has to, to make you appreciate the summer and look forward to it. Enjoy all the seasons of yourself, please don’t fear them.
If you are finding it really hard at the moment it could be because you have neglected this ‘dark side’ for far too long. let it in, listen to what it has to say, it has something very important to tell you. Lie down, be still and let it do it’s worst. It WONT kill you, only your perspective and fear of it will kill you.
When you come though this dark night of your soul – and I promise you you will, then reflect upon it in a more brighter frame of mind. Digest what it has taught you. if, in your free and more rational mind, you still want to go to sleep forever, then maybe that’s what you must do, but chances are you actually feel renewed from this experience. And if not, at least you will leave this planet having actually confronted and listened to what your fears wanted to tell you, instead of immediately running from them.
goodness pink404 you just made me cry and that’s something because I haven’t been able to cry in ages. I wish I could think like you and be brave, what you say makes a lot of sense, I wish I had a friend like you.
x
You can have a friend like me if you don’t go to sleep forever just yet 🙂
Do you wanna talk via email, or on the phone maybe? Are you alone right now and where are you?
x
oh my I feel like such a desperado that some stranger online is trying to ‘save’ me I feel ashamed by that 🙁
here is my email addy, I dont like to put out my phone number online, oh and yes I am alone, my name is Marty
martinlivers@yahoo.co.uk
I just wanted to address the medicine issue. Around the 60s and 70s, people who sought help for depression through doctors, were usually put on medications to sedate them; Valium, Quaalude. Go back a few more years and cocaine was a popular “treatment.” The biggest outcome of this was turning a bunch of people into drug addicts to go along with their other problems.
Unfortunately many doctors do still prescribe sedatives. In my opinion, that really is absurd. But, there are some psychotropic drugs that are good. Depression and metal illness can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. While it’s not known why, it is known that this imbalance can cause serious mental issues.
Psychotropic drugs are designed to stop the abnormal brain activity that comes with the chemical imbalance. It’s kind of like the old LP records. If they had a significant enough scratch the needle would get stuck and the same few seconds of the record would play over and over and over… That’s what the brain can do with the imbalance. But it doesn’t get stuck in just any mood, of course it has to get stuck on depression. Sometimes terrible mood swings are involved, which is considered being manic-depressive, an integral part of the bi-polar spectrum. And the mood swing doesn’t necessarily go from depressed to a overly happy mood. The manic side (so-called good mood side) can actually mean becoming very agitated, aggravated, confrontational, and even lead to physical violence.
It is the brains electrical impulses (signals) that begin to misfire. The psychotropic drug helps stop the errant signals, allowing the brains signals to flow smoothly instead of getting stuck.
BUT, before taking these, people really need to do their homework. Many of these drugs cause more problems than they cure. Read Mad in America: Bad Science, Bad Medicine, and the Enduring Mistreatment of the Mentally Ill, by Robert Whitaker.
I know lostsoul23! You just write in about being depressed and now someone is going on and on about mental illness. But I’m just trying to cover the range from general depression related to outside influences, to temporary or permanent depression which is more influenced by abnormal brain activity. And I mean “permanent” only if it goes unchecked.
I go on my personal experience. I destroyed my life for 3 years. Eventually I had no desire to do anything. As I read, you know the feeling. After about a dozen suicide attempts, 5 or 6 that were very serious, I was finally diagnosed as being in the bi-polar spectrum. The medication has brought new hope to me and I am once again functioning.
I’m not saying medication is what’s best for you, but I do think it’s a good thing to know about. Just my opinion based on my personal experience. I do like pink404’s opinion. It’s a sincere and very well thought out mind-set.
I wish both of you the very best!!
Peace & Love
John