I am thirteen.

My name is Joshua, I am a thirteen year old boy from Toronto, at age 5 I was diagnosed with ADHD, which affected my school career and public image (I would be overly hyperactive in pubic)…I’ve been feeling suicidal since November of 2009 when my girlfriend had broken up with me, and I admit I wasn’t a very good boyfriend, we used to talk on the phone almost all night, sometimes even having phone sex occasionally (I was young, and stupid, don’t accuse me of knowing less just because I was raging with hormones and needed to let these dirty feelings out)…by December, I cut myself, burned myself with cigarettes, and began my little downward spiral, and yes, I was listening to the Nine Inch Nails album called the Downward Spiral, and it “brainwashed” me into thinking that everyone was my enemy and that I’d kill myself within the next five months. I was in Special Education for at least half my school career, and was placed in a similar program in October of 2009, then I got out near Halloween, then I came back around a month later, this was for suspended or expelled kids, and it was so that they had something to do that was fun or worth doing, I was originally supposed to stay there for three weeks, I took advantage of this by skipping school to buy vinyl records (Yeah, I have a turntable…) or I’d just go and get something to eat and sit somewhere until 2 PM, and they extended my time…I stayed from December to April…four fucking months, I was never explained why I couldn’t get out and live my normal teenager life, during puberty you’d want to explore, have fights, and other things, I was never given that chance, and I will never get to feel like I am a “free” student…

It’s almost been a year, and I still feel suicidal, I’m not getting help from my parents, FUCK that, I was never abused, but there was/is a lot of yelling and screaming in my house, sometimes I can’t even breathe for the next 10 minutes and it hurts…I guess I loved my ex very much…I even planned on meeting her sometime before or after Christmas…but this never happened…I’m not saying that I will kill myself tommorow, but most likely in the next 3-6 months if I don’t get the supported therapy, talk to me, just tell me that you are there, I need a brother or father figure, but apparently that’s “gay” or “faggy”…I need therapy.