My life now without him

I know the word SUICIDE all too well now, for years I have looked back on my life and wonder why I still live. I used to try to end what some called life, but never did it work.

I was only 10 years old when I first had the thoughts and then tried. I was in my own demented hell, and could not see away out. Years would go on as I lived in a self induced coma. All emotions shut off!

At 13 years I was living on the streets, and that was way better then going home. If I went home I would not have lived to meet HIM.

He came from a life like mine, so we had a lot to talk about. We fell in love fast and he liked my child that I had, so all was well, so I thought. We said we were sole mates and he was my best friend and lover. We said we would grow old together.

We had Two more baby’s and a hard life still ahead, but we had each other. Living now would not seem so bad!

In the years to come my ( HIM ) got trapped in the hell of his passed. He wanted his mom to love him for him, he wanted her to say sorry! He wanted the truth to be told and the man he call father to pay for what he did. Nothing ever came of this. So my ( HIM ) got sicker.

I thought if I loved him more he would want to stay, we had kids that would fill the hole. But he just let go!

Years of looking after HIM and then one day I come home to find HIM dead. I replay the night before and the start of the day, but nothing would tell me signs I missed.

I thought of the kiss i tossed to HIM as I left for work, how he caught it in mid air and put it on his chest. I thought of him saying goodbye my love, don’t work too hard and see you soon. It would be the last thing we ever shared, had I have known I would have never left.

I picked HIM up a sub before coming home. Talked to a friend in the parking lot about her shitty day. Then went home.

I found HIM dead, in our bedroom! I seen the shot gun but didn’t want it to be true. I asked HIM if he was sick and had he fallen. I tried to lift him up, but failed. I tried to put HIM back together. I tried to wake HIM up.

HIM had left me, HIM was dead, HIM was never going to wake up. It took all I had in me not to reload the gun and sit down beside HIM and just let life go. I thought of our kids, now older but how they would feel if we both left. I wanted to go, but I stayed. I called 911!

The cops told me he left a letter, they said he asked me to stay. And not to let the world get to me as it will try!
He said he was a burden on my life and this was HIM setting me free. He didn’t know why I loved him so much when he was nothing. He said to tell my girl that he loved her, she was the best daughter he could have ever been given. He said to tell the boys not to be like HIM, a nothing in this life. He said he knows we think of HIM as more but we are blind by love. Then he said GOODBYE MY LOVE!

I’m in my life now without HIM and I don’t know if I want to stay. Why did he think we could live without HIM. Why would he ask me to live when he did not!

HIM was my everything, my new world now shattered. Him will never get old, but he asked me to.