I won’t be melodramatic, or over dramatic. I’ll be truthful and to the point.
It really doesn’t motivate anyone to read “I’ve always wanted to die.” because I’m sure we thought of living a little longer every time, and that’s why we’re able to read this or write this.
I’m trying to stay strong through the things I’ve been through, looking up and looking for goals and keeping busy. In the end though, I find myself just lying about everything. Finding reasons that don’t exist reasons that are too petty, but then I guess saying that would show my jaded side or ugliness of my personality. Perhaps I over analyze things that’s my problem.
I won’t write my entire life, no, but what has happened to me isn’t original. Just a rejected heart that was self prompt, a depression that was never “professionally treated” although it has been, I quit after a few sessions.
I think it’s okay, and then it comes back. On and off for about 10 years, but no actual guts to do it when I have the chance to. Slit my wrist and place it in warm water in the tub, that’s what I always imagine, painful, probably, wanting to quit, most likely, but if I can benefit and run away from this pain that I create on my own I think the pain will only be temporary.
My oldest friend, the one in the mirror doesn’t even like me anymore. These selfish thoughts of just wanting to end everything, if I could exchange my life for someone who is dying, who wants to live, I wish I had the ability to do so. Although I can’t, and I know it’s selfish/stupid/meaningless even more. It just hurts so much, I’m always happy with my friends, I don’t want them to worry about me, they have enough things they’re going through. I wish, they could be happy for me, they tell me they like my smile, I like myself smiling too. But in the end, I’m relying on something and something that will probably not last forever. It’s negative to think this way I know, but I can’t, I just don’t want to do this anymore.
So can someone give me the guts? The motivation to finally do it? Unstable, tell me about it, insane, most likely, blind with self loathing? Obviously.