I hope this post doesn’t attract anyone to take a giant wisdom shit on my head. I feel really desperate to talk to someone who knowsÂ how crap life is, not someone who’s gonna tell me I’ve got it all wrong . . .
I have absolutely no-one to talk to. I can no longer talk to my friends, even their best attempts to relate to me are so short lived before they start rambling on about nonsense, and I’m finding that more and more I am literally unable to talk to them about anything that they talk about. This is a build up of many years of trying to hide how I really feel from everyone, because I feel really dark about the world and about my future, I don’t see anything optimistic about anything. The world, and everybody in it just seems horrific. I’ve had to put up with everyone I know telling me to ‘cheer up’ or ‘pull myself together’, I have had to become reclusive or I will smash peoples teeth in. When my phone rings my stomach feels sick because I know it’s someone wanting to have a pointless conversation with me, so now I just keep my phone off all the time. There is absolutely no-one I know that I would like to hear from and that makes me hate myself. How did I allow myself to end up with a bunch of superficial and ridiculous friends? But then I have never had the opportunity to meet anyone else, maybe there is no-one else out there. Â I feel so bad lately and all I can think of is just ending it all, I don’t really want to die but I can’t stand feeling this way, everyday feels so heavy a burden.