8 months ago my girlfriend walked out on her job, it was well paid and she was successful. Since I met her (4 years ago) she has had bouts of depression, but since 2 days before she quit her job, she started talking about suicide and became really depressed and dark. Literally for 8 months she’s hardly got out of bed, she talks about suicide all the time and even begged me to help her do it, which I wont.Â
She sees the doctor and has medication for depression, but she hasn’t told him that she’s suicidal and she wont allow me to either, she’s sure she’ll be locked away. I don’t know what to do, she wont allow me to talk to anyone we know about this and the samaritans were shit. I found this site and thought I might as well try and see if anyone here can advise me on how I should handle her suicidal thoughts, I wanna do what’s best for her. It’s gotten so bad, the past few weeks I have awoken to hear her crying in the night saying ‘oh god please let me die’ and it’s really upsetting me. I’m really at a desperate point here.Â
I’ve asked her if she’d like to move, or go on holiday and there is nothing at all that she wants. I asked if she wanted to leave me but she doesn’t and she gets more upset if she thinks I wanna leave her, which I don’t.Â
Does anyone have any advice?
7 comments
First acknowledge this is a difficult situation for you. I’m not too certain that you should be hiding her suicidal thoughts / intentions from her doctor (and perhaps her family as well) as she may well be prepared sooner or later to go through with it. I know it is not easy to divulge that information to someone else if it is going to create arguments or confrontation in your home life (if you live with your girlfriend). It is much easier said than done because you are the one who has to live with her, no one else.
Okay some thoughts. You seem to be talking to her already and this is very good on your part, keep it up! Now try and dig a bit deeper into her feelings. Get her and LET her talk and WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT JUDGE HER OR CRITICISE HER FOR ANYTHING SHE SAYS! No matter how irrational or absurd it may be, do not criticise or judge her. Further, do not feel you have to provide an answer to her problem! Sometimes doing this can put the other person off speaking out, this is NOT what you want to achieve here! I know it is difficult to NOT have an answer but believe it or not, sometimes not having the answer is the best answer. Sometimes our attempts to SOLVE problems are perceived by someone in a very depressed state to be offensive and uncaring, and sometimes, unfortunately, rightly so.
So what can you do in a situation where you may not have the answer but you are willing to hear her speak and share her feelings and heart? You simply acknowledge what she says and agree with her. Try to see her points of view and empathise (not sympathise) with her. If she says ‘my life is shit because of this and this and this’ simply reply with ‘yeah I see what you mean, I just want you to know I am here for you’ etc etc.
Having said that there may well be appropriate answers to her concerns, but you will have to be careful how you choose your words and be very DISCERNING in each situation. It is not easy I understand that, either way, resist judging or criticising, as this will more than likely have the effect of her closing her heart and trust to you, you want to build that trust so she will open up to you and continue to be open to you. Like I said it is not easy because at times you may feel impatient, and that is okay, but just remember your partner is heavily depressed (going by details in your post).
There’s a saying which I think holds true in every field of therapy, unfortunately a principle that is lost for the most part: “People want to know how much you care, not how much you knowâ€. Just being there as a supportive partner and listening to her and being a shoulder to cry on will often achieve much more. Best wishes with it all mate.
I’ve been locked away before for being suicidal, don’t tell anyone! They are not here to help! That was one of the worst experiences of my life.
If you are a true friend you will either honor her in her request or do everything you can to make her life bearable.
You need to figure out the finances of this situation and how they will be handled. Try to get her outside as much as possible.
She literally screams and is terrified if I even mention telling anyone about her suicide ideas. I have to go to work everyday and I phone her every hour, sometimes she doesn’t answer (either asleep or in the shower) and I panic, I’m finding work really tough due to this.
She wont go out alluvion, she used to go out all the time, we would walk and cycle at weekends, now she wont leave the house, she says her depression is visible. The doctor keeps switching her meds cause nothing seems to be working at all. She says its because she’s not depressed! She’s convinced she’s meant to die and that she’s not depressed. I’m wondering if she’s gone really mental or something? She keeps saying shit like ‘I’m not meant to be here’. It’s scary and upsetting.
surrealist, I do listen to her all the time and I never tell her what to do (I don’t know anyway). Thanks for your response.
Don’t do ANYTHING, just be there for her and listen to her. Please don’t tell anyone, she will never trust you again if you do. She needs love, not a cold horrible heartless hospital stay. You can’t force her to live, if she is determined to kill herself she will do it. The best weapon to have is love, only that will give her a reason to live.
She should be terrified of you mentioning telling anyone! Do you even know what they would do to her?
Gently force her to go on a walk. Tell her you want to spend some time with her before she goes. Work around what she wants so that she might reconsider.
If you’ve spent some time reading some posts here on this website, you’d see that the idea of suicide is literally an ‘outcast’ idea, an idea that’s deemed to be very OFFENSIVE to this ‘work-like-a-machine’ world & society.
So even I can understand how she’s feeling terrified if you want to mention the idea of suicide to anyone else.
I totally agree with the comments above: the best you can do at this moment is to give LOVE, and just LISTEN to her, and be a shoulder to cry on, without any JUDGING, or any actions that could just shut her hearts off.
Listen to her. Be there for her.
It’s really true what surrealist said above so well: “People want to know how much you care, not how much you knowâ€.
I really wish you both the best
just a suggestion, would she have something like M E or something. An ex partners brother had that and he felt like suicide. use to be so active then this hit him. he didnt feel like getting up or going out, didnt like to see anyone and eventually didnt want to live. It took 11 years but he came out of that and is now rebuilding his life.
has she or you ever mentioned the future with regards to family, babies etc. something to look forward to perhaps
I know its only a suggestion but hope it gives you some hope
wish you both well.