When I was 9, I was a cheerful child. My parents were rich, and brought me everything I wanted. I was popular at school and got high grades.Â
One night my brother, who was 12 at the time, raped me. I still don’t understand why he raped me, he wasn’t under any influence.
My parents found out, because I told them. My brother went to a youth court, and pleaded guilty. He’s since been in and out of jail, for drug use, sexual assault, and theft. He told me I ruined his life, and I know I did. It’s all my fault.
I never got over my brother raping me, and I became self conscious of myself all the time. I began to stop eating, and over exercising. Yes, I became anorexic. I’ve come out of anorexia at the start of this year, but my eating patterns are still unhealthy, mainly because drugs reduce appetite.
I’ve always hung out with the wrong crowd. I met this guy, who I fell in love with. He gave me free meth, and I became addicted to it, he told me it was good. We broke up last year, he never got over it. He still calls me, I never pick up, I block the number, he calls from another phone. He threatens to kill me, and he’s raped me after we broke up.
From the outside, I look normal. I still take pride in my appearance. I don’t go to school; my parents don’t know I dropped out. I still live with my parents.
I can’t see a future for me. I’ve tried to commit suicide twice, OD’d three times.
There’s no point in dying, there’s no point in living. The sooner my ex kills me the better.
I’m a pathetic excuse of a 16 year old; when I’m 6 feet under it’ll be easier.
6 comments
Why is there no point in dying?
You and your brother have a lot of sexual karma that you will have to work out eventually. The thought may disgust you, as society has decreed it a sin, but you may have to return to him one day to heal those wounds that created the voids in your hearts so you may forgive, love and accept each other and move on.
The love that we withhold, is the pain that we carry.
I too am a victim of sexual assault. I understand your pain. I do not believe you ruined your bros life. he was under 18 and would not have had a criminal record once he got out of juvie. so if he blames you, he’s wrong. He chose to continue his crime spree with no help from u. I hope things get better for u. meth is a horrible drug that u will need treatment for, so I think you should get help.. At least for that.
To me you need to turn to god! Ask him to help you and he will! God will always love you no matter what you do!!!!I dont know what religion you are but if you want turn to him. He wants you too! But do what you think will help!!
I like what alluvion wrote: “The love that we withhold, is the pain that we carry.”
it might sound simple, but I believe it holds an ounce of truth there.
You see so many people got sick mentally, depressed, and suicidal, and do you know what’s causing all of that primarily? it’s the lack of LOVE.
Though I”m sure your pain is probably ten times much more than mine, I do however completely understand that this world, no, society & its people are just animals. Yes. I mean I would love to believe that we -humans- are more than just animals, but frankly speaking, the more I learn & observe, the more it becomes obvious & clear that humans are indeed just animals who are constantly trying to mature as species.
We are *NOT* perfect. Far from that.
But hopefully we can learn the best and move on, because we humans are equipped with brains, conscience, and Heart.
I know it’s easier to say when I’ll say “learn from this event, forgive your enemies, and spread free again your long-lost Heart, and move on with Life” than to really walk & do it…but don’t u think it’s worth trying, while you’re still *living*/breathing? ..at least before you choose the final-alternative, which is always available at hand: Death ?
You might not know or realize yet the impact you’ll touch upon other people.
Sure, this world and society are fucked-up, there’re many evilness here.
But there’s still also many GOOD people in this world.
They might just need a simple touch of inspiration, to start the meaningful changes & progress.
And as you can see, there are also many rape victims here in this site.
Connect with them,..because Human’s Life is all about Being and Connecting with each other, and also with Mother Nature.
Keep connecting, and supporting each other, and you’ll come out stronger in the end, perhaps even ready to connect & help others too.