I don’t want to wait anymore.

I don’t want to wait anymore for something good to happen that will turn my life around.  It hasn’t happened and only bad things have happened. Maybe a few good things have happened but they don’t impact me as much as the negative things.  My parents’ divorce, my diagnosis, my sexual orientation, my ex, and now I’m dealing with extreme loneliness.

I do have friends, but……my real friends who are my best friends live on a different island. (I live in Hawaii).  I only get to see them every school break..and it’s not enough to keep me here. Ever since my ex left me it’s been very hard…Just not having that person by your side anymore or on the phone with you, or just with you. It really sucks. I have a lot of friends where I live now, but I don’t like hanging out with them. I can’t be who I really am unless I’m with my best friends. Everyday I pretend to be someone I’m not. Which is a happy, average, simple, and “normal” person. and I hate that, but I’m afraid of not being accepted.

It’s what I strive for most, “acceptance.” All my life through various situations, it’s what I’ve never had. In elementary, I was the fat kid, I had no friends. So I strived for acceptance among my peers. In middle school, I wasn’t an allstar at sports like my siblings, so my mom loved them more. I strived for acceptance from my mom. In 9th grade, I lived in my sister’s shadow. In 10th grade I fell in love but she kept cheating on me so I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Now, I’m a junior and I’m 16 yrs old.  It’s been 3 months since my ex left me.

Since 8th grade, I’ve been a cutter. Cutting disgusts me. I truly hate myself. First of all, I AM the reason my parents divorced. I opened my mouth about my dad beating my siblings and that tore my family apart. Secondly, I’m a cutter. And lastly, I’m extremely lonely.

I see no point in living if I’m gonna stay unhappy.