I first felt suicidal at 15 (I’m 36 now). My life since then has been a long search of finding purpose. I am a deep person and so all the usual ‘purposes’ that people cough up don’t wash with me. I’m not being harsh about that, I investigate these purposes, I have tried them myself, but they are all in vain.Â
Such as, spreading love to as many people as you can. I’m sorry but on the grander scale of things (which is where my heart and soul is) I find love to be somewhat of an indulgence (it’s also a passing feeling of no certainty and no meaning other than to make a person ‘feel good’ in order to ‘feel better’ so that they can ‘feel bad’ again somewhere down the line. If we dedicated our lives to making life better and safe for ALL, we would naturally have love spread throughout. Another common purpose people give to their lives is to use your creativity to make people happy. Again, another indulgence in the grand scale of things. I doubt anyone that is suffering huge trauma, cares about the picture you painted or the song you sang – well, maybe they do, for  short while, but it doesn’t take them from their pain physically does it? And I assume paintings and music only reaches those in the western world anyway.Â
When I have talked to people (supposedly good hearted people), about my feelings about purpose, they eventually back away. They think I am insane, or is it that what I say is the truth and no-one wants the truth?
The only purpose I think of as noble, is using you physical presence to do physical good work. What the hell else could it be for? How fruitless and indulgent is it to think that you can have purpose by ‘being nice’ to people? That’s a two way street and should that come NATURAL anyway? If you’re a half decent human being that takes no effort whatsoever! I believe that people using this as a purpose to live is the biggest cop out of our time, and the ultimate excuse to NOT actually DO anything.
I don’t know about you, but my heart is just too big to accept and *live* with the concept that I cannot actually DO anything about the constant and widescale, cruelties that are happening all over the world and under our very noses. One person, or a group of people can do nothing about this, but all of us could. But no-one wants to.
It is clear to me after my 21 years of trying to follow my heart, that no-one else has a heart as big as mine. I see everyone as quite selfish and indulgent and basically full of shit. I have lost all respect for everyone in this world that lives alongside these MASSIVE ISSUES day in, day out. Their tiny and impure hearts only allow them to do very little. I can’t bare it. I am suffocating here in all the hypocrisy, lies, excuses and vanity.Â
I don’t know what my beliefs are about the afterlife (it seems many of you have dedicated your entire fucking lives thinking this over, instead of actually making THIS world a better place) But whatever happens, it has got to be a better place than here! Maybe those of you who refuse to see this as hell, belong here and will reign here one day. Good luck humanity! You bled me dry, you killed my heart.
Goodnight.
13 comments
Goreki: Believe it or not, I am just like you. I read your post and my heart was beating out of my chest and my eyes filled with tears. You’re right, there’s nothing anyone can do, even in a group, if the majority support this world. They say they don’t support this world, but words are cheap aren’t they? Where’s the action?
Everyone concerns themselves so fully with vanity and fear that they completely miss the point of their purpose. I believe that each and every day we live the way we do, we are actively allowing the pain and suffering of life. Then we all wonder why we’re so unhappy and unfulfilled. So then we get a new ‘spurt’ of going in search of yet another superficial meaning. It really really hurts me and crushes my soul every single day. I know I am close to the end now, I want the end so much, but I guess I still hold a tiny bit of hope that humanity might finally wake up.
The only dream I have is that one day I could rise up with the rest (or at least half) of humanity and reclaim our people from the hands of monsters, and rise up in freedom and love. What a beautiful dream, but it is only a dream, and a dream most would ridicule or think of as bonkers. But regardless, any dream less than this just seems stupid.
Don’t do it. This might make you feel better, it may not, just look anyways http://www.wordsfromadarkenedcorner.webs.com, I’m not in a place to try to stop you, but maybe, I can ease the pain for a bit.
goreki, you’re passionate, and this is a very heartfelt post, I commend you for your beliefs and your frustrations. I’m afraid I can offer nothing but my compassion in this case. Whilst I have actively looked for ways to really rise up, I never did due to finding little support, and fearing the ramifications from the system that controls us all. Instead I live a life of frustration and depression that I know will never be removed by anything but achieving my goal.
People take comfort from helping others with depression, it helps both themself and the other person. Yes, it is a cop out and rather silly to use that as DOING good when it should come naturally anyway. It makes it very obvious that mankind is so fucked up that we think doing what should come naturally is our only ‘purpose’ in life. It’s depressing.
It seems this world has many willing ‘comforters’ but who do they think is fighting the dragon? ?
Us humans, we prefer to throw sugar on a problem rather than tackle the problem, and then we expect to be thought of as an angel or something.
You can’t polish a turd! (I’m referring to the big problems, not mankind lol)
You sound like a remarkable person Goreki, I hope you find peace x
Gorecki:
Your words:
“I don’t know what my beliefs are about the afterlife (it seems many of you have dedicated your entire fucking lives thinking this over, instead of actually making THIS world a better place) But whatever happens, it has got to be a better place than here! Maybe those of you who refuse to see this as hell, belong here and will reign here one day. Good luck humanity! You bled me dry, you killed my heart.”
How dare you. You conceited, self-centered POS. You’ve got some nerve putting the rest of us down. Who do you think you are that makes YOU superior to US (“dedicating our entire FUCKING LIVES THINKING THIS OVER”)? Your heart is bigger than ours? We’re ALL self-indulgent and full of shit? You suffer more than we do? You’ve lost all respect for all of us? By all means TELL US about your contributions to MAKING THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE! Short list, I’m betting. I wish you success on your departure. It’ll be total glam, to suit your flamboyance. Say Hi to Liberace when you get there.
See you on the other side. I’m looking forward to the can-can show.
This post makes so much sense to me.
You know what, I think that mankind has different levels of consciousness, spirit, and ‘heart’, I think we are all in different phases of life but all living simultaneously, which can be frustrating. Because, I feel and understand exactly what you are saying, in my head. But my heart would never force me to act upon it, so maybe my heart is smaller or younger than yours? I know how crazy it is to accept a life and expect happiness, literally alongside gigantic acts of barbaric cruelty, and yet my heart doesn’t push me to do anything about it. I wonder if I am a ‘young soul’ ? And I wonder if the reason pretty much the entire human race is unhappy, is because we are not feeding our souls by REALLY doing something magnificent? I wonder if our minds flip out all the time because we are so actively ignoring our real purpose?
Hmm, such food for thought.
Jesus barrykitty I think you’ve completely gone mad! From my understanding of this, I think you have totally misunderstood this post.
Instead of responding by attacking and insulting couldn’t you be more constructive? I assume you don’t think then that anybody should be active instead of just thoughtful?
Unless you yourself have done anything active to change the problems of the world, the REAL big issues then I think you really should stick to posts that are relevant to YOU.
To say what you have said to someone who has wrote a SUICIDAL NOTE is disgusting! You know, I actually kinda liked you before, i was reading through your comments, but now I see you’re awful. Also, didn’t you give a CHILD specific instructions on how to kill himself? Such a perfect human being you are hey?!
barrykitty: No, sorry to disappoint you, but I have in fact spent over 20 years being active in my beliefs. You see, I chose to spend my life caring about humanity as a whole, instead of just dishing out suicidal tips to kids online, and wallowing in my own depression. I am sorry for your troubles, I really am, I don’t think of them any less than any of the ‘big issues’ in the world, shame you don’t have the same respect for me.
I happen to believe that the main causes of why humanity is so rotten, is due to being unfulfilled at the core. Sorry my being so passionate about my beliefs makes you hate yourself. You have confirmed to me that I shouldn’t care a hoot for humanity and make me more pleased than ever that I will depart this frightful place soon.
Goreki: barrykitty is an example of how fucked up the world is, even on here I’m afraid. You clearly hit a nerve with him/her. It also shows me something to, in that, the bigger problems you said people encounter if attempting to tackle big issues, is only one half of the conflict one gets. The rest is from the people that don’t want the world to improve, I honestly think some people have got so used to living in hate and anger, that they would attack Jesus himself if he appeared before them (not that I believe in jesus).
Good post goreki, and peace to you.
Yeah, I also believe that some people get really pissed off when a post is popular, especially if it isn’t to their taste. Clear example of how ugly mankind is. Ce le vie
Oh dear, someone is not clever or open minded enough to be able to understand this post. Such a shame.
Goreki, very brave, passionate and meaningful post, good luck in your task.
Thanks everyone, it’s wonderful to know you all exist! Really.
I didn’t want comments anyway, I knew that my post would upset already vulnerable people, but I can’t help but tell the truth, you know.
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