I first felt suicidal at 15 (I’m 36 now). My life since then has been a long search of finding purpose. I am a deep person and so all the usual ‘purposes’ that people cough up don’t wash with me. I’m not being harsh about that, I investigate these purposes, I have tried them myself, but they are all in vain.Â
Such as, spreading love to as many people as you can. I’m sorry but on the grander scale of things (which is where my heart and soul is) I find love to be somewhat of an indulgence (it’s also a passing feeling of no certainty and no meaning other than to make a person ‘feel good’ in order to ‘feel better’ so that they can ‘feel bad’ again somewhere down the line. If we dedicated our lives to making life better and safe for ALL, we would naturally have love spread throughout. Another common purpose people give to their lives is to use your creativity to make people happy. Again, another indulgence in the grand scale of things. I doubt anyone that is suffering huge trauma, cares about the picture you painted or the song you sang – well, maybe they do, for Â short while, but it doesn’t take them from their pain physically does it? And I assume paintings and music only reaches those in the western world anyway.Â
When I have talked to people (supposedly good hearted people), about my feelings about purpose, they eventually back away. They think I am insane, or is it that what I say is the truth and no-one wantsÂ the truth?
The only purpose I think of as noble, is using you physical presence to do physical good work. What the hell else could it be for? How fruitless and indulgent is it to think that you can have purpose by ‘being nice’ to people? That’s a two way street and should that come NATURAL anyway? If you’re a half decent human being that takes no effort whatsoever! I believe that people using this as a purpose to live is the biggest cop out of our time, and the ultimate excuse to NOT actually DO anything.
I don’t know about you, but my heart is just too big to accept and *live* with the concept that I cannot actually DO anything about the constant and widescale, cruelties that are happening all over the world and under our very noses. One person, or a group of people can do nothing about this, but all of us could. But no-one wants to.
It is clear to me after my 21 years of trying to follow my heart, that no-one else has a heart as big as mine. I see everyone as quite selfish and indulgent and basically full of shit. I have lost all respect for everyone in this world that lives alongside these MASSIVE ISSUES day in, day out. TheirÂ tiny and impure hearts only allow them to do very little. I can’t bare it. I am suffocating here in all the hypocrisy, lies, excuses and vanity.Â
I don’t know what my beliefs are about the afterlife (it seems many of you have dedicated your entire fucking lives thinking this over, instead of actually making THIS world a better place) But whatever happens, it has got to be a better place than here! Maybe those of you who refuse to see this as hell, belong here and will reign here one day. Good luck humanity! You bled me dry, you killed my heart.