Even during other depressive low points in my life, I was still able to have SOME joy briefly, even if it was for 5min- in stupid things like eating junk food, cakes, ice cream, etc. Now, not even food gives 5min of joy. And playing games at best distracts and keeps the mind numb.
No joy. Not even fleeting moments of happiness. Like zilch. Nothing.
Everything sucks when you have nothing to look forward to.
Life sucks. -_-
42 comments
Ya that’s true…also if you have no good people in your life to share some fun times with.
The media projects this fake image of happiness and friends always being there for you like on the Friends tv show…but IRL people can be strange.
Having had some ups and downs with my friends and at one time almost lost them all, I realized I had to tolerate more of their foibles if I wanted to have any friends at all.
Some people can cross certain boundaries/limits that you expect normal friends to behave within…and if some people turn toxic on you, even if they were great friends at one time then you have no choice but to cut them loss or put up with their rotten side…. which I’m not one to tolerate.
There were a few such people in my life that I dumped and never once regretted doing it.
My sister is a bit pickier than me and let go of some lifelong contacts she had. I can’t judge her, maybe there were very good reasons to do that, but she’s now out of friends and misses that part of her social life…though she has her own family/kids and relatives. She’s trying to make new friends through the gym and is planning to take some uni courses also.
I do understand where you’re coming from…you just need new experiences in life and some improvements to feel better.
While I know you’re struggling with health, and when you’re better you might be more active which might make you happier.
For instance, I enjoy shopping and walking around malls…I enjoy driving on the highway with some good music playing in the background…just little things like that make life a little more interesting and it takes you out of your daily grind for a while.
I’m just living a fraction of the fuller life I once had…I miss university for instance, not the studying though but everything around it…the pretty girls, the library, the interesting classes/profs…I feel my life’s gotten so narrow and dull since then.
Hopefully if my plans work out as hoped, then I should be living a better live within the next 5 yrs or so, fingers crossed.
“While I know you’re struggling with health, and when you’re better you might be more active which might make you happier.”
>Most definitely when I’m healthier, I’m more active and more social, and thus more happier. This fucking health. Also these latest fucking health issues are due to my mother’s shitty ass disgusting house and yard.
If I had never moved here, I wouldn’t have gotten sick. And no, not sick as in oh you’re sick now but you’ll get better later sick. No. Not that kind of sick. The kind where bacteria eats your flesh and ligaments and shit and fuck you up for life sick. And my mother couldn’t be bothered to even keep the nearby areas clean let alone keep the DOOR to my area CLOSED. Kept fucking opening the connecting door to my unit despite telling her NOT to a million fucking times. Not only gets me sick but puts my life and leg in jeopardy. You think she has an OUNCE of guilt? Fuck no. What a fucking b!tch. THIS is the monster I had to be born to, this is the monster I was forced to grow up with.
Go ahead and ruin my life, my health, my legs and wonder why I am not successful.
Indeed Darkness…sorry to hear.
Hopefully your health will improve so you can get out of that hell hole you’re in.
If there’s one valuable lesson I learned having had my share of ‘feast and famine’ in life that I’d share with everyone….is to always have at least $5-10k tucked away for bad times in life (the more the better ofc)…for moving, car repairs or a new/used car, dental work, etc.
This way ofc if you find yourself in a tight spot you’re easily able to ride it through.
Too bad there’s no helpful person in your life that can give you a break…let you live in a nice place for a while till you improve and can get back on your feet.
In my case my only fall back plan is my dad, but we don’t really like each other and would prefer not to ever live together…but if my mom passes away suddenly that’s my only option…or to just go for maid and quit this bad life.
Still I feel I might be able to turn things around…I talked to my scummy landlords and complained about the noise issue and it seems it’s finally gotten better.
If my sleep stays normal again, there’s much I can accomplish…and will also focus on moving later this year cause who knows when the peace will last when you stay under the roof of crazy people.
my problem is that being here has gotten me super super sick, AND i STILL have the infection. i need to get healthier to get out of here but the longer i stay the sicker i get. it’s a catch22 i can’t get out of now that my body is so much more fucked up by being here. and i can’t leave to go to another country when i am still infected. but this infection isn’t fucking going away. and no, going to drs only fucked me over MORE. idiots kept telling me the infection is gone just bc i took antibiotic. yeah, like it’s impossible for someone to still have an infection after antibiotic.
Ya Dr’s can be incompetent too…I’ve also had some bad experiences with them…so sometimes-when needed I get a second opinion or more.
You know your body better than anyone else-trust your instinction. If the infection hasn’t gone away then they need to give you another antibiotic until it’s gone.
Terrible situation to face….thank god for modern drugs though…but they need new treatments as resistance is increasing…hopefully they’ll find some soon.
no i can’t. OFC mother is so damn dirty she has to have the nastiest bacteria.
there’s only ONE oral antibiotic that can kill it, and ONE IV antibiotic that can kill it. technically there’s 1 more other IV antibiotic but that is half as effective as the other one. and ALL contain black label warnings- as in ppl have lost their legs to the oral antibiotic and had heart issues with the IV antibiotic. so no, i can’t just “take another antibiotic.”
Oh wow scary stuff…I didn’t know. So basically you lose your legs from the infection or the cure…terrible.
Is there any other option?
no, i’m so screwed. idk what to do. :'(
Ya that sucks…well if that was me, I’d ask a few dr’s…if they all said take it, i guess I would, as the infection is going to cause problems anyways if left untreated.
But that is your personal decision…if I’m going to lose my legs anyways, then I’d try the treatment. Best of luck whatever you do.
Forgot to add-if I’m going to lose my limbs…again just talking for myself, I’d just opt for Maid….what others do is up to them.
I have a low tolerance for suffering….I’ve suffered too much in this life. So if I get major health issues that I lose limbs or vision or become handicapped…good bye world, I’m out.
i DID see a bunch of drs. they all claimed it was impossible for me to still have an infection after taking antibiotics, and that it was gone, which it was not. none of them take the time to actually listen.
Can’t they do tests to see if you’re still infected? Is it possible if all these DRs are saying the same thing, could it just be in your mind? That you feel it hasn’t gone but it has?
Is there a way to get another opinion? Going to specialists elsewhere to confirm if you have healed or not?
Maybe the pain you’re experiencing is residual, and you just need to get stronger if possible.
no, it’s not in my head when the lab tests literally f’ing said i still had an infection. the problem is the culture test done at the hospital was a 5d test, and i got kicked out of the hospital on day4 (they wanted to kick me out on 3d but i refused to leave bc i could still feel the infection).
and before that, i was at the dermatologists who did a swab of the oozing wound but the idiot PA *NEVER* did a fucking culture of the skin nor did she do a blood culture. bc the arrogant bish never did the proper culture on me, there was no test showing i still had the infection.
after i left the hospital i went back to the dermatologist and they again kept saying i didn’t have an infection. that other PA i saw wouldn’t look at the lab test done at the hospital and wouldn’t even listen to me, saying it was a blood culture and not a skin culture, despite it being a skin bacteria that got into my blood.
well if you don’t do a f*ing skin culture then how would you know there is NO fucking bacteria on my skin?
I saw so many fucking dermatologists and NONE had the intelligence nor the desire to do a fucking skin culture. Yet adamantly refuse to believe i have an infection when they wouldn’t do a fucking skin culture to confirm.
no i’m not an idiot. just so you know, i started college when i was 15. i literally skipped grades of school. so no, i’m not a bloody moron. also, it doesn’t take a fucking genius to know that you have a bacterial infection. You can literally feel it. if something red and is growing on your leg and it spreads, and then you put on an antibiotic gel, and it goes away, it means you have a bacterial infection. if i stop putting the gel on, the bacteria grows back and the redness and pain comes back. plus the redness grows outward from a center point, the way bacteria grows. so no, this shit isn’t a fucking figment of my imagination.
there you go, even you won’t believe. the problem is when you have the FIRST dr who is an idiot 1- emphatically say it’s eczema 2- say there is no more bacteria and 3- doesn’t do the fucking proper culture tests, then what happens is that EVERY dr you see after the original idiot dr is going to automatically agree with the original dr, bc it doesn’t occur to them that the original dr could be wrong, stupid, or never ran the proper tests.
like i said, i have a culture come back that shows i still had an infection, so none of it is “in my head.”
drs fucking gaslighting me for months, and it wound it fucking up my foot/toes bc it was never treated.
you see how hard a time i have? it all originates from the 1st dr who was arrogant and wrong, and didn’t do the proper cultures. so every dr i saw after that just immediately goes by what SHE says. they don’t do any investigating on their own. it’s automatically the previous dr is right and the patient is wrong and an idiot.
anyhow, the antibiotic is toxic and does damage and there isn’t another antibiotic i can take. this is a very specific bacteria that literally only 3 fucking antibiotics can kill, 2 of which are IV antibiotics that i can’t get through a regular dr and can ONLY get if i get admitted in hospital, and it’s very difficult to get admitted in-patient in the US. This isn’t Canada. -_-
i’m fucking left to deal with it on my own.
like i said, even if the drs believed me and ran a fucking culture, the only thing they would do is give me that antibiotic which 1- doesn’t work very well and 2- is toxic. and yes, it has a black label warning from the CDC.
the oral IV worked much better, but again, that also has a black box warning from the CDC bc it’s also toxic to the internal organs. and this isn’t Canada so I won’t get admitted in the hospital. Notoriously hard to get admitted in shithole USA.
Also, even if i miraculous did get admitted, idk if i’d want to go back. like i said, that IV antibiotic is not without risk.
also, i had caught a NASTY viral infection from my roommate bc the shitty fucking staff literally put a COUGHING patient in the same room with me. not just coughing but non-stop hacking. the girl was literally shaking nonstop from the viral infection she had. and the head nurse thought it was a BRILLIANT idea to put her in the same room as me. So obviously I caught whatever the fuck she had. Fucking **** nurse.
so OFC i fucking caught it. i was sick for THREE mother fucking months from that. and no, it wasn’t “just a cold.” you don’t know how fucking horrible it was. colds/flu’s don’t last for THREE fucking months. even if i could go back in-patient to the hospital, i don’t want to catch horrible shit like that again. and the odds are that i would, bc statistically, almost everyone who goes IN to the hospital comes OUT with a new infection they caught inside the hospital.
So WTF am I supposed to do?
I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
FML. Just FML. UGH.
Eternal I never doubted your story…I was simply asking as an outsider who has no clue about your life, and based on the facts you stated if the Dr’s might be correct.
Obviously if you continue to experience symptoms of the infection then they made a mistake and you’d need further treatment…that’s common sense.
Also nobody insulted your intelligence, you totally took it the wrong way and ran with it.
Hopefully you are able to get the help you need from the right doctors that can assist you. Best of luck.
like it’s not just my shitty ass mother screwing me over, and the rest of the family ignoring it all and doing NOTHING to help me, it’s the fucking drs too screwing me over and over. story of my life -_-
that’s right. my problem in life is that i have NEVER had a SINGLE person that had my back, that i could fall on, that would help me. family has been shit to me my entire fucking life. THEY are the cause of 90% of my mental issues.
I don’t know how people can survive in life without help/support from others…must be very tough for you.
But then most of us aren’t far from that either…if I lose a few critical contacts I could be in trouble.
For instance I have major back issues…thankfully usually I’m able to have some basic functionality and my mom helps me out by making food and other stuff, till I get better.
I’ve had it bad enough that I’ve been bed-ridden for a few days…can’t even describe the pain and the fear of breaking or damaging my back even more when it’s already weak.
The only long term solution will be the gym/exercise to strengthen the muscles in the area and then I’ll be fine-also to lose the extra weight I’m carrying to reduce the stress on the back.
It just goes back to making idiotic decisions when we’re younger, healthier, think we’re invincible and nothing like this would happen to us.
If I just stayed with my normal routine of exercise/going to the gym, this would’ve never happened and I would’ve been fit, strong and looked good for my age.
I segued a bit, but getting back to your situation-there isn’t much that can be done but to pull yourself out of this mess on your own…unless there is some person in your life that could offer some basic help.
That or hopefully some rich benefactor could step in, give you funds to stay in a nicer place till you’re healed up.
there is a HUGE difference in having NO support vs have a FEW ppl to help support. I had NO ONE my entire fucking life. I, as a 94lb scrawny girl, had to join the FUCKING ARMY, so I could pay for school, bc I had NO ONE to help pay for college, literally not even a fucking dime. i had to work at a sweat shop at 7yo. yeah, you know the shirts and pants you wear? most of them are made in sweatshops by either little kids or severely underpaid immigrant women. yes, even clothes that specifically say “Made in America” on the tags. Yes, made in America, by underpaid or unpaid immigrant children like myself. And yes, this was IN THE USA. And yes, I am a legal resident. We were just dirt fucking poor bc NO ONE would hire an immigrant so we were forced to work in sweatshops for as little as $2/hr.
pfft, no rich benefactor. no one. especially not family. fucking assholes. i hate them bc they KNOW i’m sick/injured/disabled and you think they’ve helped out ONE fucking iota? i’ve literally had strangers be nicer to me than family.
and no, having no one vs having ONE person to help you is not the same. HUGE difference. If your mom wasn’t there to help you when you couldn’t do things, then you’d be f*ed. Like I am. Like I was when I could barely fucking put my legs into underwear a few months ago. Going to get food? Medicine? Out of the question. Couldn’t walk. Just walking to the bathroom or fridge was hard as fuck. When you have someone, even 1 person like your mom, you’re golden. You won’t starve. You can bathe, dress, etc. I had NO ONE. Not that I would want family to help me dress or shower but like at least get food/drinks/take out garbage, etc. Did ONE family member help me? Fuck no. And this is why I am such an angry person. How can someone NOT be angry when all they’ve ever gotten was shit in their life? And family being the core and cause of it all, and family NOT even doing the simplest thing to help.
I’m surrounded by callous monsters. Yes, I know I need to get out of it on my own, but I’m fucking injured and disabled with little income. UGH.
Fuck this world. I’ve had to suffer since I was 5 years old. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of being shafted. Life is beyond unfair. I’m tired of constantly getting screwed.
you actually have a mother who cares about her child. lucky you. many children are born not having that, which is why the world is so fucked up. if it were up to me, everyone would need to have a permit to have a kid. Just like how we need a license to drive. Why do we need a license to drive a car but don’t need one for something as important as having children? most ppl are unfit to have kids. that’s the reality of it. if most ppl were fit, we wouldn’t have such a fucked up world.
In 1973, USA legalized abortion. And guess what? Crime went DOWN in the 90s. Why? Bc all the would-be criminals in their 20s were aborted, so they weren’t allowed to be born and grow up to be criminals.
According to the guys who wrote Freakonomics:
“Legalized abortion is estimated to have reduced violent crime by 47% and property crime by 33% over this period, and thus can explain most of the observed crime decline.”
And yet idiot republicans want to ban abortion. Along with taking away welfare and programs that help pregnant woman/mothers. Unborn babies are SO important that they refuse to help the baby as soon as it’s out of the womb.
God, I hate this idiotic and corrupt world.
I read all your posts above…and ofc agree esp. on abortion.
Ya I can’t imagine what I’d do without the help I’ve had in my life. Esp. during the time I was bed-ridden.
I was stuck either in bed or had to use my office chair like a wheelchair. It was only after about 3-4 days was it strong enough to do some basics.
It was avoidable actually….once I know my back is strained I usually avoid any work until it heals…but I was forced to do some tasks that put further strain on it…when it was the worst time to do it….and that ofc exacerbated the problem.
Lesson learned and ofc I never did anything like that again…now when I pull my back, I just take it easy for a while and I’m functional.
But ya I feel for you in your situation. I understand you keep going and you have your own reasons for that. If I felt my body would get better…then I’d also keep going as well.
But I felt my health wouldn’t improve then I’d seriously seek a way out.
Already my life isn’t too great right now….but my back issue comes and goes and if I exercise/lose the extra 40 lbs or so I’m carrying I’ll be ok as mentioned.
i responded the way i did bc i thought you were also insinuating that i was wrong, bc who would believe that ALL the drs are wrong instead of the one crazy patient?
EVERY single fucking dr (except the dr at the ER) i spoke to all thought it was in my head and ignored every single symptom i had. and i literally spoke to about a dozen drs. dr after dr after dr refused to listen to me. i’m fucking tired of going to them. and if you read what i wrote above, there is NO viable treatment that won’t cause me more fucking harm. i already have leg edema and tendon issues from the fucking antibiotic they gave me. and like i wrote above, there is only ONE oral antibiotic i can take, and that one is toxic af. the IV antibiotic is ONLY given in patient at hospitals but they won’t take admit me. and that antibiotic has severe side effects as well. so no, it’s not as simple as going back and taking some medicine.
Ya I was asking an innocent question-as I said I don’t know your situation and I was throwing out ideas.
I don’t like adding caveats such as “I’m not implying that you’re crazy or anything.” I assumed you’d already realize that….but I guess it might be necessary in the future.
But you did explain the danger of the final antibiotic treatment before.
For some individuals that get medical treatments, they still assume they’re sick but physiologically they might be fine.
Ofc I suspected that you weren’t cured…that’s why I mentioned getting other Dr’s opinions and obviously as you mentioned you are experiencing symptoms that show that you’re not cured.
Anyhow I’ll leave it there, just know I meant no offense or insult…I felt having chatted with me this often, you’d know I’m not that type of person to blame you for your illness.
And nothing personal, I’m squeamish about such issues, it’s why I didn’t get into medicine. But as always I hope you are able to find a cure/treatment.
sorry, i immediately got defensive bc literally EVERY fucking dr and every fucking person blamed it on “it’s all in your head” crap and treated me like i was either crazy or stupid. i didn’t mean to jump on you. i’ve had just too many ppl in the last few months gaslight me and tell me i’m crazy/hypochondriac/too stupid to know i don’t have an infection that even remotely questioning my mind is going to trigger a defensive response.
it’s like when i went a 3rd world country on a trip and came back with a UTI, told the drs I caught a UTI, and literally EVERY fucking dr I went to (who all happened to be male) absolute REFUSED to believe I had a UTI, REFUSED to give me antibiotics to kill it, and also REFUSED to give me a simple urine test. Well, if they don’t give me a test, then there is no way I can prove that I have a UTI. I can’t prove these drs were wrong if they don’t give me a lab requisition to do a urine test. Any mention of it “being all in my head” pisses me off to no end. ESPECIALLY when I finally did get a urine test a fucking month later only to prove that I indeed did have a UTI and needed to be treated with actual pills, and not have my intelligence/judgement/mental facilities questioned or gaslit, dr after dr after dr. ALL those fucking drs dismissed me like I was too stupid to know I didn’t have a UTI or just being a hypochondriac bc that’s how ALL males drs view females. Not ragging on all males btw, just male drs. Female drs do this too but male drs are way worse when it comes to dismissing women’s physical complaints (there’s actually books and studies done on this btw, so it’s not just saying this about male drs).
Anyhow, I don’t mean to jump on you. I’ve just had enough of being gaslight by drs and being told I’m wrong and having my intelligence and mental faculties questioned as if I’m some nincompoop hypochondriac woman. Not saying that’s what you were doing- just hypersensitive to anything even remotely questioning my sanity/intelligence/perception.
No problem…given the gaslighting you’re been through I can see where you’re coming from.
I think at the same time, I will also try to throw in the caveats because you never know what can upset/trigger a person who’s had a history of not being believed by Dr’s.
It’s also a different experience from what we have here in Canada…most Drs believe you implicitly…though I have dealt with one or two retards and went to other Drs.
It might be that the Drs in the US are more insensitive and incredulous. So that’s why you’ve been having these terrible experiences with them which is pretty sad and shouldn’t happen.
it’s bc drs in USA have HUGE egos and are arrogant af. they think they’re like God and treat patients like we’re dumb retards who don’t know anything. And when you question them on something and they don’t know the answer (and there’s a LOT they don’t know, instead of saying “idk i can research it,” they get mad and defensive and shit on you even more.
American drs are one of the most arrogant groups out there. they think they know everything and they’re infallible.
The last thing we need is an arrogant……. (insert profession, Dr, lawyer, engineer, etc)…..because lives depend on them.
You’d think educated/smart people would develop some humility…because although I’m well-educated, I also know there’s so much I don’t know which has made me humble.
And I listen to “average people” because sometimes they know things you hadn’t considered.
But I see the difficult situation you’re in…hopefully you find some decent Dr’s that can help you.
“Anyhow I’ll leave it there, just know I meant no offense or insult…” >>Got it, no offense taken after this comment.
” don’t like adding caveats such as “I’m not implying that you’re crazy or anything.” I assumed you’d already realize that….but I guess it might be necessary in the future.”
>>lol ordinarily i wouldn’t need that caveat, but it’s bc i was being gaslight SO much back in dec/jan by literally like 7-8, 10 or however many drs I saw. It was insane. They ALL wouldn’t believe.
So right, I’m stuck on what to do. If I go to another dr, 1- it takes a LONG time to get an appt, and 2- s/he likely wouldn’t believe either, and even if s/he did, I do not want to take that shitty toxic antibiotic. And there’s very little chance I can get admitted again in-patient to the hospital to get that IV antibiotic. And that IV antibiotic is not without risk too. And it’s obviously bad to have an infection all over my body too so idk what to do. The oral antibiotic damages tendons and causes permanent disability. I really don’t want to take that. Hell, idk how much permanent damage I sustained while taking it for the 2.5 weeks that I did. Yes, that’s all it takes. There’s documented cases of ppl taking it for 1wk and they became disabled. So it’s scary stuff. And no, those idiot PAs that gave them to me never ONCE explained to me how dangerous they were. AND that shitty 1st PA I went to NEVER told me I had an option to go admitted to the hospital to get an IV antibiotic (I didn’t know IV antibiotics existed and that I could ONLY get them in-patient at the hospital). And at the time, my wounds were really bad, yet the PA treated it like it was no big deal, so part of the reason why I never tried going to the hospital and waiting 10hrs to get seen.
IDK- at this point, IDK what to do. The only medical treatment is toxic antibiotics that damage my tendons/legs/internal organs, or hope the bacteria doesn’t do damage in my body and hope my body can fight it off now that it’s the 2nd time around.
I’m trying natural remedies (no i’m not a fru-fru idiot) but natural remedies aren’t going to destroy my tendons like that black box warning antibiotic.
Sigh. I feel so screwed. There is no good option. The “obvious” option that most ppl take is go to dr, take antibiotic. But I’d really like to keep my legs and be able to walk.
Well this is totally out of my depth and I wouldn’t want to advise anything that could cause potential harm.
If it was me, I’d talk to 2-10 other doctors if I can manage that and then go from there.
Obviously you want an objective opinion from a reliable source.
I would probably take the treatment or find a safer alternative if possible, since the infection probably won’t disappear on it’s own.
But then the US doesn’t have Maid…so in the case where you are worse off after, you’d be stuck living that way.
At least in Canada, they’ve given us a way out of bad decisions/bad health, etc.
the problem is that there ISN’T any other treatment, other than antibiotics. and I HAVE seen a shit ton of drs.
see below.
Well then it’s a straightforward problem…yay or nay.
I know what I’d do but the decision and consequences are yours alone to take…and I wish you well either way.
This is NOT the way I want to go, bc of some stupid fucking bacterial infection bc some fucking asshole drs refused to listen to me and treated me like crap.
Listen- everyone can choose when to off themselves, but this is NOT how I want to fucking go. Especially when this could’ve easily been taken care of- ie had I been given 2-3d more of the IV antibiotic, it would’ve killed it all.
I fucking told the idiot drs I still had an infection, but bc American hospitals are run on profit driven motives and love to kick ppl out of the hospital bc it’s more profitable to constantly have new patients that come in for a few days rather than keep patients in for a week to make sure EVEYRYTHING is fine/taken care of, American patients get fucking screwed. They could’ve done another culture to see if I still had the bacteria, but that culture would’ve taken another 5d to come in. Even if they didn’t do a culture, had they just waited 23 more hours the culture the 1st ER dr did would have come back and they would have seen that I indeed had ANOTHER bacterial strain in my blood, which needed to be treated in addition to the original strain I came in for. But no. Kick me out bc drs are too arrogant to think that it’s possible to take antibiotics for 3d and still have the infection. As if NO ONE has ever needed more than 3d of IV antibiotics. And as if the original shit dr (PA) couldn’t possibly be wrong and not a fucking dumbass who didn’t even bother to do a fucking skin culture on me.
So NO- I do NOT want to off myself bc of this fuckery. I’m pissed as hell.
THIS IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.
WHY does it have to happen to me? It’s not like life hasn’t shit on me my WHOLE fucking life. This doesn’t happen to MOST ppl. But to me it does. And again, it’s not “just” this one incident. My WHOLE life has been like this. Keep getting screwed by “the system,” by ppl. Just one shit after another after another.
i just want this fucking infection gone and idk what to do. I don’t want to take that toxic oral antibiotic- it’s toxic and wasn’t all that effective to begin with. The IV antibiotic is also toxic and even if I wanted it it’s near impossible to get admitted in-patient. And even if I did, I’d run the risk of catching an infection from being in the hospital and getting horribly sick AGAIN.
The antibiotic cream can only do so much. Especially since I have it all over my body. If it was just ONE small patch of skin I could deal with it. But when it’s all over, even when you kill 80% or 90% or even 99.9%, if that 0.01% doesn’t get killed, it just grows back. It’s so difficult to kill ALL of it at once.
and even if i wanted to S— which I don’t atm, even if I did, it is NOT easy to do it quickly and painlessly and without risk of failing and being even MORE fucked up. You keep arguing with me that the gas me.tho.d is easy but no. I know plenty of ppl who have attempted in ALL sort of ways and no matter how well you *think* you have everything set, there’s always pitfalls and you will ALWAYS run a risk of something not turning out the way you plan. And even when ppl succeed, most face extreme pain and agony in the final moments, and most of it last WAY longer than you think it’ll be.
EVERY me.tho.d except for someone outright shooting you in the head multiple times to make sure you’re dead.
Look at how executions are done in prisons. Even so-called experts try to inject you and kill you, especially in the last several decades (at least in the USA, not speaking for other countries) most of them don’t actually die right away like they’re supposed to. Some take several minutes. Others suffer for HOURS in agony before finally dying. And this is done by experts/drs. Like shit, a drive-by shooter would be quicker and more effective.
Anyhow, you’re not going to convince me there’s a me.tho.d out there that is fool-proof, 100% effective, quick and painless, and doesn’t have a risk of it failing and it fucking you up. And even if a me.tho..d works, most are agonizing.
You have not experienced agonizing physical pain, which is why you don’t think about S– like someone who knows what suffering is. What torture feels like.
Look- I know where you are coming from- I used to research this stuff before, and it was all logical and “cut and dry” but S— is definitely not easy and every me.tho.d involves a certain amount of sheer agony- and that’s if the me.tho.d is a “success.”
Have you ever breathed in toxic gas? Where you literally couldn’t breathe and your lungs and nose and throat and eyes burned? Even 5s is absolute torture, let alone 60s, or 600 seconds. There are many me.tho.ds that will kill you–eventually. But you have no idea what real pain and torture is. And what 5s of searing pain is, let alone the many minutes it takes to die. And that’s if you’re “lucky” it only lasts a few minutes.
And yes, I was gassed (I’m ex-military). And while it wasn’t deadly, it was pure torture bc every breath you take in is worse than the last. People think they know what pain is, and think they can withstand anything if it’s “just 10s” or “just a few minutes.” But you and I both don’t know what real torture is. The only difference is that I’ve felt enough physical pain/suffering/torture to KNOW that whatever physical pain I’ve had in my life- and trust me I’ve had a TON of physical pain- with an however much pain you think you’ll be in, you’ll be wrong bc it’ll be 1000x worse. and however much you plan and think you’re smart and that you’ll succeed without a hitch, for every single “smart” person that thinks that- most ultimately fail and suffer immensely. and no, i am not talking about the dumbasses that don’t do the proper research or were never “smart” to begin with (hey look, i’m an academic- i view the avg person, the masses as pretty dumb).
i’m talking about actual smart ppl, who do research, who have graduate degrees, who plan it meticulous- many of those still fail and suffer lifelong consequences. Albeit those who are those meticulous intelligent types do tend to succeed more often than the avg suicidal schmuck, but even when they do succeed, the act of dying is much longer and painful than they expected/predicted/accounted for.
Again, I’m not saying ppl don’t succeed. A small percentage do. The overwhelming majority don’t. Those who succeed usually find themselves lasting much longer than they expected, and feeling way more excruciating pain than they anticipated. Think of being burned alive- 5s or 10s or 60s or 300s is an eternity when the pain excruciating. Even being burned alive sometimes takes quite a few minutes before you die. It’s not instantaneous. and i can guarantee you you haven’t felt anything remote close. Even I haven’t and I’ve been hit by a car, had broken bones, had my leg bone pop out of the hip socket, been shot at, lose my ability to walk/stand/move, been gassed, starved, beaten, etc. Whatever pain I’ve felt is not going to come close to what dying feels like. Unless you can somehow die quickly in your sleep or go unconscious within 2s.
Ppl either fail and wind up with horrific life-long health issues or in the event they do die, suffer way more than they expected/anticipated/accounted for. No matter how well you “research.” No me.tho.d is a good me.tho.d. Even lethal injections by professionals go wrong, let alone someone without the best tools/medicines.
And no, I’m not going to argue with you about MAID. It’s just not going to happen for most ppl bc they accept very few applicants. And rarely for mental illness. Yes I know there’s been a few cases, but key word is few.
Anyhow, death is fucked up. This is like abortions back when abortions were illegal. You can guarantee there were ppl who thought they researched the best way to abort a baby illegally or paid the right person or underground dr to do it, but the vast majority of women just bled to death.
I mean it’s not quite the same and not the best example. But ppl don’t think how not rare it is for problems to occur, despite having the best research or best materials. Hell, there’s women who die in modern western hospitals in 2024 with a staff of licensed competent drs and nurses. And they still die during routine child-birth. Lethal injections by medical drs still get fucked up. People don’t account for shit to go wrong, even if you’ve done everything properly and measured the right dose, have the right chemicals, etc.
Anyhow, I know too many ppl who’ve attempted and failed. And no, they weren’t dumbasses who didn’t know what they were doing.
Hey I’m not trying to argue with you- I just think it’s harder than you think to S–. Even the best researched me.tho.ds have pitfalls. Or maybe you don’t think how much suffering there’s going to be. Anyway, whatever. You have your plans, that’s fine. You think there’s a 100% success rate with that me.tho.d. That’s fine. You think MAID in Canada will easily accept you. That’s fine. I just don’t think death is that easy is all. And I’m not in Canada.
But regardless, I haven’t achieved what I wanted in life yet so I do not want to go yet. Hence the depression. Life sure isn’t af what they sold us to be. Especially in public school or college. Or the media. All lies. Especially in our generation, no one told us life was going to be us being wage slaves for the rest of our lives. Gen Z knows this though.
We didn’t have the internet during our childhoods, so we were brainwashed by books, teachers, schools, corporations, the media- to think life was going to be great- as long as we were smart or worked hard. HA! Biggest fucking lie there ever was.