I want to stay alive because I love laughing and dancing, I love music, the weather, the river and the garden. There’s so many films I haven’t seen yet, so many books I’ve still to read. I love traveling really early on a Saturday morning when everyone’s still in bed and the roads are clear, and I’m escaping to somewhere remote for the weekend. I love sitting in sweet little coffee shops and watching the world go by; the world that I hate in the main, but now and again I see the movement of a kind person and it touches me to tears and fills me with love.
I want to die because everything I love comes at a high price of me having to do everything I hate, most of the time. I hate being mugged constantly by the system. I hate that I have tried to work out how I can live doing the things I love in the main as apposed to now and again, and finding no suitable situation that doesn’t bring more troubles (such as being poor). I feel as if I live in a prison and still I take joy from looking out of the window now and again. What is outside of that window is mine! I believe that my purpose for being alive is to enjoy this planet, not be a slave to a man made system. The older I get, the less I can tow the line and pull myself together because this system is criminal. I have been abused by this system my whole life, like everyone else. I just can’t do it anymore. What is the alternative to suicide?
7 comments
Sounds like you respect life enough to refuse to live it the way the system enforces. Unfortunately, there is no alternative, either you tow the line or you suffer a lot. Wish I could tell you different, and if any smartarse tells you that there is you ask them to tell you exactly how, get them to give you specific instructions – they will prove to be not so smartypants after all when it comes to proving what they say.
I’m honestly beginning to think that the more ‘aware’ one is of life, and more ‘enlightened’ the more that suicide seems like the only way out. I would LOVE to live my life how I want to but it just isn’t allowed, it’s that what depresses me, not some chemical imbalance in the brain, my brian is fine, in fact, it’s better than fine, it knows exactly what’s going on which is more than I can say for most people I meet who seem to think they are ‘normal’. If I was to continue living, I could only do it by drastically dumbing down and compromising myself.
I don’t know what other alternatives there would be. I’ve often wondered if people who suffer lifetime of this type of sadness, this type of difficulty adjusting or relating to the world around them, if perhaps we simply weren’t meant to be here? That sounds so morbid and I don’t want to necessarily encourage anyone to kill themselves, especially when I know none of you personally. But speaking from my experiences in life, I have never felt that I belong anywhere. I have never been comfortable within any established group whether that be a clique in high school or the “team” at work. No matter the situation I have always felt like some kind of entity looking in from the outside and unable to fully merge with the “team.”
From a spiritual standpoint, could it be that some of us were put here but that it was not meant to be? Could it have been an accident, or even a punishment? Over the last year or so, my eyes were opened to many things, certain realities about this world and as tammy2000 said, the more aware one becomes of certain realities, the more hopeless life seems. I can feel my spirit raging inside me of me it just wants OUT. I’m trapped here and tethered by a bunch of bullshit that is all material and meaningless. I’m hyper-sensitive and unable to “just deal” with life’s constant ups and downs. The only freedom seems to be in no longer existing in this realm. The thought of that has been alluring but it has also frightened me tremendously. In the last few days I’ve made some peace with that and I am not nearly as afraid of suicide as I’ve been all these years before. I’ve asked the spirit world for forgiveness, and have forgiven myself for what I am likely to do to alleviate my pain once and for all.
Talktome: haha! You made me laugh! But you are right, i agree, a lot of people do say that there is another way etc but they never tell you what exactly or how.
Tammy: Yep, I agree, the more aware I become the less willing I am to support this corrupt and immoral system. Not sure where I stand on the God thing, but I know for sure that my purpose in life is NOT to serve MAN, which is what our world has done to us. We are not free to simply enjoy life (the way ‘God’ intended) and that is what I am against, I just can’t serve men anymore.
Hey anon! I emailed you just now x
It gives me comfort and a little bit of hope knowing that there are folks like you out there that feel the same way that I do. I think about what you’ve said in this post everyday when I’m at work. I don’t value “hard work” because I often find that much effort is given to menial tasks. I feel that I’m only at work to “play society’s game” and get money so that I may do some of the things that I love and not be homeless. That’s the only reason that I go to work everyday and nothing more. I take no pride in it.
When I feel suicidal, I often think, “What a waste” because I feel that I have much to offer; particularily to those that possess insight. I feel that my voice is grand enough to do voice overs or sing professionally, yet I haven’t tried to do either in front of someone who could make that happen. If I didn’t have to worry about finances at all, time spent here would be much more tolerable. I wouldn’t have to worry about playing the game as much, though I’d still be living with simpletons who lived their life accordingly with what society has presented to them, and it would sadden me.
It’s monumentally frustrating when your own folks don’t understand what you speak of, isn’t it Jenttar? Mine are the same way. We typically like to look up to our parents as role-models and it’s just very disappointing when you realize that they are no different from the rest of the world.
The certain realities we realize are that many of the things that we’re expected to believe are merely man-made placebos such as god, karma, and fate. I’m tired of hearing people say, “Everything happens for a reason!” when something bad happens to them. I think that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. Then ofcourse people believe that “what goes around, comes around” and that’s typically true, but only in the respect that if you’re good to people, people will be more prone to be good to you. Same for bad. There’s nothing “magical” about it, though. And god is god. Haven’t heard a word from him, so I’m not sure why I should worship him. He doesn’t even exist as far as I’m concerned.
I take some very true and touching sentences that I have read here:
I want to die because everything I love comes at a high price of me having to do everything I hate, most of the time. I hate being mugged constantly by the system.
The older I get, the less I can tow the line and pull myself together because this system is criminal. I have been abused by this system my whole life, like everyone else. I just can’t do it anymore.
I’m hyper-sensitive and unable to “just deal†with life’s constant ups and downs. The only freedom seems to be in no longer existing in this realm.
———–
They all come from healthy people placed in a criminally ill unhealthy System. They all have intelligent sensitivity. The maddening injustice is that precisely the best have to suffer, while the bastard, brute insensitive animals on two legs walking on the street dont even produce a thought about it.
Odious.
But, I can can tell that those sentences come from those who, while down and discouraged, are not in a state of critical despair or stress.
O
==========================================
“I believe that my purpose for being alive is to enjoy this planet, not be a slave to a man made system”
+999