I just recently turned 16 and I’ve never told anyone what goes running through my mind. I am always thinking, and during those major breakdowns that I’ve constantly been having, I have many suicidal thoughts. During my breakdowns, I cry and think and ALWAYS, cry as low as possible. I’ve never cried out loud. I feel the need to SCREAM until I’ve lost my breath or maybe pass out because of lack of oxygen, but I can’t. I fear my younger siblings will hear me. I don’t want them to see me cry. I’ve always kept myself from crying in front of them, even during those family times where everyone is crying together. I’m the oldest and I feel i should be strong for them, so THEY wouldn’t break down and turn into an image of myself. When feeling down and they come into my view or talk to me, I force the fake smile onto my face that I’ve learned to use daily, and act as if nothing is wrong, when truly, my world is crashing away. Tearing at the remaining soul that remains inside my body. We’ve been through many tough situations where they’ve cried their sad eyes out, and I always hated to see them cry.
I’ve been living with my depression for about maybe 10 years now and I’ve never taken anti-depressants,counseling, nothing of that sort. My sister has had counseling when her emotions were visible to see, except me. I feel proud for being able to hide them this long. When I have my breakdowns, I think to myself, how i want to die and how I hate myself. I angrilly take off all my body piercings and throw them across the room, thinking, “These are not me, they are not a part of me.” About 10 minutes later, as everything passes, I stop and put everything I’ve taken off back on me. then I think, “I’m bipolar, I just wanted to die but I can’t. I won’t kill myself. Everything on me is what Ive become and i can’t change it. No one can. I can’t leave the family that loves me behind.”
Recently, i’ve gone to my elder family members in search of help, knowing I need it. I turned to my mom to get me into counseling since I can never bring myself to talk. SO she brought me an application to fill out. I eagerly filled it out and handed it back to her when she said she’ll mail it. I waited for a month for a response from them and I recieved none. Later, I found out from my grandma, she had asked my mom if she mailed it for me. My moms response? “She told me she didnt want to do it and told me not to send it.” I have been denied to take counseling, from my own mother, who has taken my younger sister to counseling.
What can i do now? i have no real friends at school. I absentmindingly block myself away from others, building a protective shell around myself, and i can’t even talk to my own family. i’ve tried writing in journals/diaries etc, but nothing seems to work. I’ve had a pet to actually talk to, but he to, was taken away from me, throwing me further down the dark abyss well that I Â can’t seem to crawl out of. I feel so alone, when surely, everyone is around me, waiting for me with open arms, ready for me to learn how to break through my wall.
6 comments
I think your depression is farther than mine. My main stress factor is church and my dad, because theyre both stupid shits. Anyways, I get the same shit, I cry myself to sleep, but silently because I have a younger brother and I have hyperventilated and had breakdowns where I cry and as a guy it makes me feel worse like I’m a coward and a loser crying because I cant handle life. I am so like you but anyways I keep going on and off of my depression. Just today I got it back. Someone on here told me why do I write this shit. I said it’s because I want to find someone to relate. She said, and then what are you going to do be moody again and find more people like that?
I found out that I personally like feeling like shut an emotionally disturbed emo-ish whatever I am, but do like having depression… Actually what makes you so depressed and stressed. Like I said my depression comes from church and my asshole of a dad. What about you?
my stress relates to my dip-shitted parents( and partly family), the people in school and just school in general. What im going to do when i grow up, will i grow up lonely, love, just everything i guess. I too feel like a loser when i start hyperventilating and breaking down because i think, no one does this do they? only i do? because im a freak right?
I sorta like the feeling too but i’d rather not show it to my siblings. i have 3. i love them to death and thats probably the mainly reason why im alive.
There’s something I fail to understand about suicide, but I don’t mean to confuse you. I’ve been depressed for quite some time, and I, like so many others, see no point in life itself. But why suicide?
I suppose I should rephrase my question. Why us? We are the sufferers in silence. We are the brothers and sisters who share a very important thing with one another: truth. We see the world for what it is.
Some of us accept it. Those of us that do tend to linger on, usually in misery. Why they do so is beyond me, so please understand that I’m not saying you shouldn’t kill yourself.
But WE refuse it. We deny this world the pleasure of torturing us. We commit ourselves to nothingness, prematurely ending our undeserved pain. We all feel the same feelings. We are not alone, and I’m saying that WE shouldn’t kill ourselves.
We are a group of men and women, boys and girls, all of us dedicated to the ugly truth that this world is nothing but a shell of what it could be. The world is a fucked up place. Why is it that the ones who admit that fact are the ones who get left behind?
Maybe we should all just kill ourselves. But evolutionary instincts tell us not to. I say FUCK instincts. But think about that for a moment. If we have the power to kill ourselves, we have the power to defy our instincts. This means that we have the power to effectively ignore the most powerful driving force on the face of this planet: the drive to live. Doesn’t that make us more powerful than all the stupid bastards who think it’s worth it to keep going?
I say we use that power. People don’t understand that this world is a wasteland. I don’t think they ever will. They’ll cling to their instincts like a child to its mother’s breast, never letting go of the foolish notion that life is beautiful. We can show them what they don’t see. We have the power to fuck this world like it’s fucked us. And if we use that power, we just might be able to rid ourselves of the very people that make our species as fucked up as it is.
I’m not saying we should commit murder. Who knows, though? Maybe we should.
What I’m saying is that we KNOW something. Living – at least as we do today – sucks. This is something that the rest of the world won’t accept, but perhaps it hasn’t been presented in a way they can understand. You see, we are BETTER than them. We understand what they don’t, won’t, or cant. And we just might be able to fix them.
They won’t thank us. They won’t praise us. And they won’t apologize for shitting on us. But it would at least catch them up to speed. With all the world understanding and accepting that human beings need to change their ways, things might actually change. If everyone on the face of the planet stopped pretending they were alone and actually started voicing themselves, we might actually be able to make progress.
There are some things we can’t control. Diseases. Accidental, unfortunate deaths of loved ones. Pain would still exist. But we, brothers and sisters, DO HAVE POWER. And I say we band together and fucking use it.
Let’s try to save this world. It’s clear that no one else is doing it correctly. And if the world refuses us still…if, in the face of unbending truth, the rest of our species still denies us…I say we burn this planet to its core.
No one can tell you how to live but the most important factoe is to live when I was younger I tried to kill myself. It didnt hppen but I know personall how it feels and your life is too important to end. I beleive things hapen for a reason and your purpose is too help others. I have felt the lonliness and depression lived through it and want to help if you ever need someone to talk too my email is halani.gallardo@yahoo.com
Everyone hyperventilates when stressed at any age, that is normal. Try to focus on breathing from your stomach slowly, not from your chest when you start to feel stressed. Look up relaxation techniques for stress where you tighten up your muscles, one by one, count to ten and release in private.
You are taking on too much responsibility in front of your siblings, its ok to get upset, its only human. I always thought i would be alone in life when i grow up etc. I met the love of my life, happily married 20 years, had 2 beautiful daughters, the dog etc. My bubble popped, but my point is, you have to get out there, be yourself and your happiness will follow as you flow through life. One day you will look back in several years surrounded by your loving partner and beautiful children and laugh about your doubts.This is normal to be unsure what the future holds for all of us. I still remember at age 14,my wallpaper, bed etc when i thought about how old i would be when we reach the year 2000, time flies so fast when you are young. Get a hobby, make real friends and relax a little lol. Good luck making new friends, its a bit scary at first but worth it.
the thing is, i cant take up a hobby because i have no time and i’m looking for a job soon, i can’t make real friends. impossible for me. i just can not.