People wonder why I feel suicidal, why I want to kill myself. There isn’t much I can reply except that enough is enough.
I posted on this site a few weeks back, then attempted suicide, before being caught in the act and rushed to hospital. Something else that I failed at.
The thing is, even though I’m an adult now, I’m still haunted by the things that happened to me as a child. Haunted by how the things that happened to me made me into the person I am today.
I didn’t have the best childhood, and from a very young age was abused in almost every way possible, and broken down beyond belief.
I ended up in care, and after 15 moves finally ended up with a brilliant carer. Even though I left years ago, I still keep in touch with her, and care about her deeply.
Since I went into care, all my family have disowned me. I don’t have any contact with any of them. It may sound stupid, after what I was put through, but it hurts to think I’m not even worthy enough to be loved by my own family.
Anyway, things started looking up, I held down a job for almost four years, had a few friends, but I’m a very paranoid person. I don’t trust anyone. Ever since I was 13 my mental health has been under scrutiny and I have suffered with mental health issues ever since. They have become steadily worse again in the past year, I am unable to work due to this, and I have cut myself off from ‘friends’ that I had. Every day hurts me to get through, and my life really is pointless. I’ve tried being strong for so many years, and I literally can not do it anymore. This life is too much for me, and in my case, enough really is enough. I can’t keep on trying, when I’m the only one who ends up getting hurt. I don’t even want to keep trying any more. My life was ruined when the first abuse started, and it has steadily got worse. People have suggested therapy, but I have tried numerous types of therapy for years, been on numerous medications and nothing has worked. I know I sound like a whiny sod, but the only way for this nightmare to stop is for my life to stop. I understand this, and now I just have to put my plan into action.
Just one last thing, and then I’ll stop moaning I promise (!) … this is my favourite quote ever ‘If people knew how living my life felt, they wouldn’t ask me to not commit suicide, because they would understand. If they could feel an ounce of how I feel, they would hand me the rope and say ‘do it now’ because they wouldn’t want me feeling for one more second the hurt and the pain that I am feeling now.’
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5 comments
I hear you. The quote is relevant. However, isn’t feeling pain better than feeling nothing. I relish it, personally. It’s the only thing I know as mine.
I’m not sure. I think it is just too painful now. I don’t want the pain, I don’t want anything anymore.
I feel for what you went through. I went through a similar thing when I was 7-12 and it never leaves you. But paranoia is treatable. And so is anxiety and there are thousands of people who are waiting to help and love you. Trust me. And hey, it hurts. I know the feeling of never ending pain that won’t fade. But you have to keep going because that is what we’re born to do. In a few months, or years you could meet someone amazing. You could change their lives, and they could change yours, and you’ll never beable to find out what could have been, if you don’t hang on and live it. You’ve got internet now XD We’ll help (won’t we? [screams of “YES!”] ) you can speak to me on MSN if you want. persepolis_@live.co.uk
I hear you man I really do. Just remember though, you’ve been through more crap then most of the people walking around this world blissfully ignorant. You are ten times stronger than those people. You know what my motivation for living is? I’m curious. Curious if his Hell is ever gonna get better.
Motivation isn’t found, you either have it or you don’t whether you know it or not. Do you have motivation?
I don’t have motivation. It’s got to the stage where I don’t know if I ever had it. And I know that I have been through a fair amount, but why did I have to go through it? It’s fucked up! I literally can’t do this anymore, it hurts to breathe. I don’t know what to do. It feels as if people don’t even care if I stay or if I go.. I’m invisible. And right now, thats cool with me, cos I need to go. I can’t stay here and hope that something someday will change. If it doesn’t.. well it doesn’t bear thinking about.
wbh iv added you on MSN thank you.
Sorry for moaning people, I’m just genuinely at the end of my tether now