So this has been riding my ass for years now!! everyone tries to help me.. but i cant seem to shake it off!! i just want to feel like i belong… i lost my wife and son two years ago!! but since then i fell like a complete looser!! like i dont belong… like i shouldn’t even try!! its either financially, or communicative!! if that is even a word!! i love my ex and of course my son!! but since i moved to New Jersey from California… i really havent been there.. there… and since my family had noticed the distance between me and my son!! in reality i feel as if since i wasn’t able to save my marriage, i am not able to save my relationship with my son!! since his is only 3.. by the way his birthday was yesterday.. Oct. 3rd… anywho… i figured his mother is only going to fill his head with nothing but BS about me, on how i was a bad father and a bad husband!! which i wouldn’t blame her!! i mean i did bust my ass for her and my son! but since i finished my military i had been overwhelmed and had to adjust to civilian life!! i just found comfort in the wrong places!! BARS to be exact.. no i never cheated on her!! i know its hard to believe because of the the millitary background… i guess my family roots have always carried on with me.. well i digresse!! i miss my family.. the only familyt other than my parents and siblings!! and now i feel like as if i have lost them as well.. i feel attacked and belittled by them!! i just want to end it all!! and i know they judge me.. i know the hate me.. i feel it!! i tried to keep them, i worked hard to have them under one roof, i worked hard so that they can eat… and now i feel like all that work and all that love i had, and have just wasn’t worth their time!! its been two years since i last spoke to my ex!! now she has the comunication with my mother!! i dont even talk to my mother!! confusion going through your mind with all the diferent things running though my mind!! it makes no sence to you, but it makes perfect sence to me!! i dont expect anything to come out of this… just want people to know that when i do get found dead you all know what my reason was!! how fucking selfish am i.. my son needs me!!! but then again.. she will alwayss find someone to be his father!! they dont need me.. they never needed me!! nobody ever needs me.. nobody ever wants me!! -_-‘
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I can really sense your anguish in your post. Just a few questions. Did military service leave a bad affect on you? Do you have access to your son? Are you being bullied to pay too much support? You say your son needs you so opting out is not going to help him at all as you do realise. I feel for you brother.
Yes it has and at the same time no… yes in the sence of the war, and no because of the family.. i do over the phone only and some ocational pictures!! yes i am getting bullied!! and its not that i dont want to send him anything!! its just that i send him what i can.. man!! i am going to Cali in two weeks.. but i just dont know how to react!! i want to see him but i dont know if they would let me!! i cant communicate with him without being judged about how i was irresponsible!! i mean how other way am i going to show them my resposibility other than sending them money… and working hard!! i am trying my friend.. i am trying to live my life without alcohol.. it is hard… specially since i dont have my son.. or her!! i just dont know what to do..
leonidas,
Please have these to think about.
When all unique bullets (chances) made for this gun are used up, the magazine is left empty with no other bullets to refill can fit, the gun becomes useless. It could only be best served as an item of remembrance.
As you’re going to see them, phone first or not I don’t know.
But there is no wonder if she has the thought or already dating other men.
Even your wife might make out with you then, and it doesn’t necessarily mean forever.
Your son so young, a trip of yours seeing him will just be a vague memory to him in the future.
As you are not living with him, and if not gaining readily access, then your son is better left alone with her mother.
What’s important is not for you to show them how you miss and love them, but to express all inside of you, your feelings, your love, to show and serve as a release for yourself if ever chance seeing them.
Never expect a reunion forever, but to express all inside of you as if no tomorrow.
It needs two people to work, not on only one’s fixation or terms.
Do what you can do, and not what they want you to do.
Your drinking may present a threat to your wife or disgust to the child when you hold him, you may consider trying vitamin B1 (providing a similar effect of drinking) as a substitute if necessary.
Just remember that the time to see them is to bring you joy of release of passions, if not, then don’t go.
i see where you are going with this!! and it has given me to think!! and yeah it could and would never reunite as a family ever again!! and yeah!! i agree!