I’m really hoping this site is confidential because the worst thing about being suicidal is being all alone. You can’t tell your family or friends because they can’t impassively listen–they just want to call the police or your doctor. You can’t tell your doctor or therapist because they will give you a one-way ticket to the ward. The truth is, I’m just lonely. I want to die, I just want to talk and this is not a cry for help. I have these strong feelings raging inside me and sadly I’ve not got even one person to just confide in. It will be kind of sad when I do go, because they will all wonder what happened. “She never said anything…I didn’t know she was depressed…” That makes me feel even more invisible. If one of my friends wanted to die, after the obligatory protests, I think I’d be supportive. I at least would want them to feel like they could trust me.
I’ve been preparing for my premature death since I was 2o. I took great pains to lead a very unattached life where nobody depends on me for anything. I decided early on that I would never have children, and a few years later I decided I would not got married. This was not really hard to do as I have over the years developed some quirky personality traits/character flaws. I even gained weight so that noone would want me and that has made my life considerably easier. I refuse to save money and I always cash out my 401k plans. Why bother saving for a future I don’t want? I have a good life insurance policy and I’ve waited the requisite number of years to meet the standards for the suicide clause. I just turned 39 and am filled with such a sense of failure that I am still here.
When I was 27 I made my first suicide attempt by overdose. Since that happened, I’ve never been able to say that I was glad I lived through it. I still wish I had died. Nothing has happened between then and now that has made all of this suffering worth while. At 32 I attempted again with a gun (a really crappy one, at that) that did not work. In anger, I slashed my wrist. Of course that didn’t kill me, but it left a visible reminder of something better to come and I take comfort in that everyday.
There are only a couple of things stopping me from taking my life. First and foremost, I don’t have a good plan. The crappy gun was my best plan, and now I am prohibited by law from buying a gun that works. I like the idea of overdose, but this time I will require duct tape. Sadly, after one overdose my body has a certain distaste for swallowing pills, but I’m hoping we can come to a mutually agreeable compromise. Secondly, I have two adorable cats, and I’m about to take on another. I don’t have anyone to take care of them in my absence. I feel guilty leaving them behind. Sometimes I think about taking them with me. As for my family, friends, etc., I just don’t care about them anymore. I still love them, but I don’t care for them enough to live for them just because they want me to.
I live a semi comfortable life, but all of the comforts in the world cannot make me feel undead. Are there other people out there who want to just talk about their feelings on ending your life? Not anyone who wants to save me or be saved yourself (I am REALLY the wrong person for that job)–just share our similar collective thoughts. As I mentioned earlier, I’m just lonely. Thanks for reading.
16 comments
that’s the running problem: is that if you come to somebody with your problem, they’ll go, “get away from me”. But the bravest things and smartest thing to do is not to give into the fear. Life was meant to be much more than just a pile of shit and then you off yourself. It’s a fight to the finish.
I like the idea of just talking. I’m sick of trying to be “saved”. Not that anyone has really tried to “save” me, but I cringe whenever I see people giving others advice, attempting to save them and it’s always along the lines of “Oh, find someone you trust to talk to! You NEED to get help! etc etc etc”. I know they mean well, but they just can’t possibly understand, unless they’re going through the same thing themselves.
Anywho…yeah. I’m lonely as well. I’m surrounded by family and friends, but I’m still lonely. I feel like anything that’s remotely “good” in the world, or that makes me happy, isn’t real, and that it’ll all go away soon. Because I guess I just don’t believe in happiness. I’m only in high school, and with you being obviously older, you probably think that as a “kid”, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but I know what I feel. And my feelings are definitely real.
I don’t really know what else to say. I have a lot of thoughts, I’m just not very good at getting them all out in a way that makes sense. Let’s just say that I know what you mean when you say that you’re lonely.
Hi, C. Thanks for commenting on my post. It makes me so sad to hear that you are so young and in so much pain. But being a “kid†doesn’t invalidate your feelings. I think that in many circumstances young people experience pain more intensely than older people because they have yet to develop adequate coping skills to help them deal with their issues. One of my favorite quotations is from Cormac McCarthy’s book, All the Pretty Horses, and it pretty much sums up my feelings: “It was good that God kept the truths of life from the young as they were starting out or else they’d have no heart to start at all.â€
I understand about you feeling that anything that feels or seems good in your life will leave you. I absolutely refuse to let myself experience real happiness (other than with my cats or prime time tv) because I just know that if I ever look in its direction, it will win me over and then I will promptly die. It is important for me to die without having the yearning to live. So as long as I stay detached and not enthralled with life, I think that is better for me.
May I ask if you suffer from any mental disorders? I have been REALLY unwell since 17, but was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago. If this is too personal a question, then please don’t feel like you have to respond. I am always curious about other people who are bipolar as I don’t really know many people who suffer from it. It’s kind of nice to know that one is not alone.
Anyway, what other kinds of thoughts do you have? Do you feel like sharing?
I’m 38 and also intensely lonely, and yes, I too have a sense of regret that I’m still here. I’ve stayed alive (mainly) for my pets, two lovely german sheps and a moggy cat. So honey, trust me, you’re soo not alone in this…
Hi, Shelly. Do you think your pets will always keep you alive? I attempted suicide when I had two cats a while back. For a long time they kept me going, but I still broke at one point and decided to leave them anyway. I mean, they weren’t really helping me out that much. They refused to get jobs, clean house, or make dinner and they wouldn’t even let me watch my tv shows. I think it would have served them right if I’d left them high and dry. But have you ever thought about taking them with you if you were to depart this earthly plane? While it would be really hard to personally put them down, I’m sure I could find an unscrupulous vet to do it for me. Some people would no doubt find this cruel, but my cats have been treated like royalty and I just don’t trust that anyone else would ever care for or love them the way that I do. I am afraid to Google “how to painlessly/humanely kill your cat in your own house.” That just wouldn’t look good!
I am 29 and also regret not just letting my tumor take me last year. I do have a wife and family members that I don’t want to hurt by leaving this world and plane of existence, but when you endure suffering just to keep others happy…….are you really living for YOU? I only aim to live long enough to win my medical malpractice case so I can at least leave my wife the funds needed to survive after I am gone. Oh, and the best non-human friend I ever had left me and my wife a few weeks before I found out about my brain tumor and I really hope to see him on the other side. I know he was “just a cat” but he meant the world to me. Any way, Not being able to tell a fellow human that you want to die MAKES you lonely simply due to the fact that they will NEVER understand and I would say that is a good thing……if people felt the way we do, there would be more understanding for the way we feel but it would be a pretty dark world that’s for sure. I have allot of hope for humanity but I see nothing but a bleak future for myself. I was selected by nature to pass away at an early age and one must not fight nature.
What I wouldn’t do for a good tumor right now! This sounds awful, but you really had a first class ticket out of this hell hole I fondly call life, and you didn’t take it! You could have taken the “noble” way and no one would have thought less of you. I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt the people around you, but I have lost three siblings and my mother, and I can confidently tell you that even after a person dies, life still goes on. Survivors still wake up everyday, go to their crappy jobs, happy hours, the gym, etc. Their worlds don’t really come to a stand still. Of course you would be missed and they would be heartbroken for a period of time, but they would move on. My dad coerced a promise out of me that I would not try to kill myself again (I just tell the old people what they want to hear), and I asked him if he was going to promise not to kill himself and by that I meant stop smoking. End of conversation. It’s always okay for US to make sacrifices, but all of the people who love us so are not always so willing to reciprocate.
I’m so sorry you lost your cat and at such a difficult time. If I didn’t have my cats, I would absolutely have no purpose here. My cat just took umbrage at your “just a cat” comment. Knowing that they are of a superior species, my cats do not suffer from any self-esteem problems.
I think your comment about having hope for humanity is interesting. Sadly for them, I don’t think there is any hope.
Are you in complete remission now? Prior to treatment, did you seriously consider just letting nature take its course? Did you make the decision by yourself, or was collaborative with your wife and family? I should be getting cancer within the next 2 years, if the family history continues to run true to its course, and I don’t intend to treat. I would not be able to tell family, doctor or friends about it because they would notify someone, then I’d lose my right to make my own medical decisions. Are you holding small thoughts in your head about suicide, or have you resigned yourself to living the rest of your years here?
I understand the being lonely thing, I’ve felt alone for years. I got drunk and broke down in front of all my friends the other night, so they all know how depressed I am now, and one of my friends .. he understands how I feel because he’s been there himself. We’re two peas in a pod, but that doesn’t mean I can just ring him like “hey, I feel suicidal today” .. talking to people just isn’t that easy. All my other friends, they say the same things “You need help, go to a doctor”. I know I should see a doctor, but quite frankly I’m resigned to the idea of killing myself. After all, at the end of life is imminent death, why not do it myself? I don’t want to live a life of drug induced happiness. I don’t even want to live, I see no point in it.
I’m 21, not exactly old, but when you consider the first time I tried to kill myself I was 7 I think it’s safe to say that I know what I want.
It’s not a spur of the moment desire to just end it all – it’s been something that I’ve wanted to do for years. I think I have my plan, I just need to wait to get everything before I go ahead with it.
understand how you feel…just say the word depress and everyone goes nuts around you…they start throwing pills, doctors, mental wards…all you want to do is talk to someone about it…a friend or family member…they dont want to hear it…get the profession to do that….they tell you why you should feel better and how everything going to work out…but still no one understands unless you been there…they say just snap out of it..but you cant…I found someone to talk to, I will always be there for you…but at the end they told me to go kill myself they didnt care anymore…and that was a therapist….yep really to find a end to this, just not sure about the date….no one really here for me…just my dog…I love him so…he would miss me…family or that therpist wouldnt…
Despite our age differences it seems to me that we all share very similar feelings, sentiments and concerns. I also feel the same about my friends in that as much as I love them, it’s not enough to keep me here anymore…
Yes, it is senseless to live your life for other people. People disappoint, they are mean, they betray you, and you can’t count on them. Why should I sacrifice for them what they would be unwilling to sacrifice for me? The friend issue is not so great a problem for me. I am extremely talented at running friends off or just pretending they no longer exist. But I also have concerns about my friends’ judgment. If I hate myself (and I have good reasons), I have difficulty believing that anyone else could possibly like me. And if some person does like me, I am suspicious and immediately think that there is something terribly wrong with them. It’s really a good thing that I have cats because I don’t think I could tolerate anyone else.
Since I was 17 I’ve attempted suicide about five times, and although it’s incredibly hard much of the time I’m willing to stay around until they pass on cuz the fact is I love them to bits. And anyways they’re getting old now so their days are sadly numbered *sighs* poor dears!!! U_U
And no, I’ve never thought of taking them with me, although I can understand the reasoning behind wanting to…
There’s something I fail to understand about suicide, but I don’t mean to confuse you. I’ve been depressed for quite some time, and I, like so many others, see no point in life itself. But why suicide?
I suppose I should rephrase my question. Why us? We are the sufferers in silence. We are the brothers and sisters who share a very important thing with one another: truth. We see the world for what it is.
Some of us accept it. Those of us that do tend to linger on, usually in misery. Why they do so is beyond me, so please understand that I’m not saying you shouldn’t kill yourself.
But WE refuse it. We deny this world the pleasure of torturing us. We commit ourselves to nothingness, prematurely ending our undeserved pain. We all feel the same feelings. We are not alone, and I’m saying that WE shouldn’t kill ourselves.
We are a group of men and women, boys and girls, all of us dedicated to the ugly truth that this world is nothing but a shell of what it could be. The world is a fucked up place. Why is it that the ones who admit that fact are the ones who get left behind?
Maybe we should all just kill ourselves. But evolutionary instincts tell us not to. I say FUCK instincts. But think about that for a moment. If we have the power to kill ourselves, we have the power to defy our instincts. This means that we have the power to effectively ignore the most powerful driving force on the face of this planet: the drive to live. Doesn’t that make us more powerful than all the stupid bastards who think it’s worth it to keep going?
I say we use that power. People don’t understand that this world is a wasteland. I don’t think they ever will. They’ll cling to their instincts like a child to its mother’s breast, never letting go of the foolish notion that life is beautiful. We can show them what they don’t see. We have the power to fuck this world like it’s fucked us. And if we use that power, we just might be able to rid ourselves of the very people that make our species as fucked up as it is.
I’m not saying we should commit murder. Who knows, though? Maybe we should.
What I’m saying is that we KNOW something. Living – at least as we do today – sucks. This is something that the rest of the world won’t accept, but perhaps it hasn’t been presented in a way they can understand. You see, we are BETTER than them. We understand what they don’t, won’t, or cant. And we just might be able to fix them.
They won’t thank us. They won’t praise us. And they won’t apologize for shitting on us. But it would at least catch them up to speed. With all the world understanding and accepting that human beings need to change their ways, things might actually change. If everyone on the face of the planet stopped pretending they were alone and actually started voicing themselves, we might actually be able to make progress.
There are some things we can’t control. Diseases. Accidental, unfortunate deaths of loved ones. Pain would still exist. But we, brothers and sisters, DO HAVE POWER. And I say we band together and fucking use it.
Let’s try to save this world. It’s clear that no one else is doing it correctly. And if the world refuses us still…if, in the face of unbending truth, the rest of our species still denies us…I say we burn this planet to its core.
Allow me to reiterate my point. We are similar. We know this. This site is nothing but a vessel for us each – as individuals – to meet others like us. We all know now that we are NOT alone. So why the fuck aren’t we together?
I’ve spent almost my entire soon-to-be 20 years on this planet doing nothing but bitching. I hate this place. People sometimes agree. Just about everyone sees my points. But no one does anything.
I say we change that. Let’s make a new website. Let’s set a goal, make a plan. Let’s change this place. Let us all unite in our acceptance of the ugly truth that this world is rotten, but let us at least try – just TRY – to UNITE so that we may fight for the fact that we have the power to change this place forever.
My email address is Senjion@msn.com. Contact me. I’m a 19-year-old average male with nothing going for him. I’m not a leader. I don’t make websites. I’ve got no more than a worthless high-school degree, and I, too, am sick of feeling alone. Let’s get together, people. This world sucks. This world NEEDS to change.
Let’s stop bitching. Let’s fucking do something about it.
Wow! That is confusing! Very interesting, though. I think I kind of get what you are saying, but I’m not sure I fall within that train of thought. For me, one of the main reasons I want to commit suicide is because I hate myself for a variety of reasons. My anger, depression, etc. stems from within me and is not wholly dependent on anything outside of me. While it is true that the world at large pisses me off on a regular basis, I’ve come to not really care about any of that anymore. I’ve let go of the outside world to such a degree that I am seriously considering halting my recycling efforts because who fucking cares? I don’t have kids, I’m not concerned about what I’m leaving behind anymore.
So what is it you think we can/need to change? I’m not sure how changing the world around us will change the way we feel inside. Please do write back and give me some more information. I’m intrigued by your comment.
It’s not so much the world itself as the people that inhabit it. I admit that we all, on some level, must take credit for our own misery. Happiness really is just a state of mind.
And as much as you can trust an anonymous stranger, trust me; I’ve never recycled a day in my life. In truth, there’s little I have done to help this planet. I haven’t cared my entire life, and if I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t care much about what I left behind.
But I’m going to be bluntly honest. If you really, truly hated yourself, you wouldn’t be here. You’d either be dead already, or you’d be a changed person, talking about you self-loathing in the past-tense. Don’t get me wrong. This site doesn’t have rules or regulations stating that a self-hater can’t comment.
But your story doesn’t add up. “I hate myself. What am I going to do about it? Oh, I know! I’ll go on a blogging adventure!”
Now don’t get up in arms because I’m being harsh (and very crude). I know I’m missing a lot of the grey area – there are possibilities I’m sure I’m not considering.
But you’re selfish. This is true because human beings are selfish. It’s what we are. It’s what are instincts made us. You said it yourself – you don’t give a shit about what you’re leaving behind. This clearly indicates that what matters to you is the now. What can actually affect you is all that’s important to you.
I don’t blame you for that. But it goes to prove my point. Selfish people want for themselves. What each individual wants will, of course, vary, but the fact remains that they care primarily for themselves.
But here you are, sharing with the world that you’re selfish and that you hate yourself. Congrats. You want a pat on the back?
If I cared to waste my time (more than I probably already am), I’d compose a nice long list of people who have already committed suicide. People who ACTUALLY hated themselves. People who REALLY didn’t give a fuck about what they were leaving behind – least of all a stupid blog message. They came to a conclusion and fucking ended it all. No bull shit, no backing out, and in most cases, no hesitation.
But most of all, no failed attempts.
You know how some people kill themselves? They literally will themselves to stop living. Their heartbeat slows, and eventually, they just die. No guns, no drowning, no ropes. Do you know how they’re able to do that?
They ACTUALLY hate themselves. It’s really common knowledge that suicide isn’t something you TRY. You either want to do it, or you don’t. Period.
Now I’m not saying you don’t long for death, so let’s not turn this into a battle. I’m merely stating the obvious. You want to live more than you want to die. That’s why you still draw breath at this very moment.
It is for this reason that I commented on your post. It’s very clear that you feel pain, and I get the feeling that you’re not looking realistically at where the blame should be placed.
Not everything is your fault. You didn’t choose the world you’d be born into. You didn’t choose how you’d be raised, and how we’re raised has probably the most influence on how we think and function as adults.
So if you kill yourself at this point, my conclusion is that it’ll just be so that you don’t look like a liar in the face of everything I’ve just said.
Hell, what do I know? I’m a fucking 19-year old college drop-out with literally NOTHING going for me. In fact, the odds are that I’m wrong.
But even if I am, I’m sure you understand why I’m at least skeptical. I’m also sure you understand why I’ve said everything in this comment. In fact, I’m certain that you understand how fucked-up this human race is as well.
Murders. Rape. Thefts. Wars, sickness, starvation. Hell, even suicide. It’s all fucked.
Life isn’t fair. A large part of the blame for that falls on humanity. People make life suck for other people. It’s that simple. Everyone’s too fucking selfish to see past their own meaningless lives.
This brings me to my final point. Your life is meaningless. I’m not saying this because I want you to kill yourself. I’m saying this because you, anonymous stranger, deserve my honest opinion, and since you’ve asked, I shall deliver.
Don’t take it personally. It’s not that yours is the only life without meaning. All life is without meaning. People fight their whole lives to deny it. This is why people put so much value in “all the small things” – they know deep down that there’s nothing bigger to be found. This is one of the key ideas that allow them to justify being as selfish as they are.
All life – at least in this current time period on THIS planet – is worthless. So don’t think your misery is anything special. It’s not. What bothers me about your post is that it’s TOO personal. You’re going a bit TOO far with your instincts to only care about yourself. Fuck, following the dog-eat-dog instinct “kill to survive” is one of the reasons our world is as fucked as it is. Instincts fuck with your head and often defy logic. You shouldn’t cling to your selfishness so tightly.
And I hope you’re beginning to understand what I was saying in my post. So many people go their whole lives thinking that they’re something special – that they’re alone. That somehow, they know pain more than anyone else does. That they have a special, unique reason to hate – hate themselves, hate life, hate anything.
They’re all wrong. WE are all wrong. We all feel the same feelings, but we disguise them as unique and parade them around like they’re somehow impossible for others to understand. The fact remains that we’re ALL human. We ALL feel pain, and we ALL deal with it differently. Suicide is the answer for some. I don’t think it’s your answer, and I don’t think it’s mine.
Humanity creates all it’s own problems – after all, without turmoil, life’s just a little too quiet, right?
So I want to gather people together. Anyone who wants to shout out to the world – anyone who wants to stop the human race from literally fucking itself over for absolutely NO good reason. People who are sick of pissing and moaning. People who actually want to do something about it. Something more than blogging.
I’m tired right now. I’m going to sleep. If we never talk again, I can’t say I’ll miss you. I could be wrong about you. I could be wrong about everything. I know that, and I acknowledge it is a likely possibility. So take what I’ve said here with a grain of salt.
But give it some thought. And if you do respond, don’t tell me you want me to elaborate on what needs to change in this world. My answer is simple.
Just about everything.
everyday i think about death ive thought about it since like 1st grade. i was reading th eposts above and one person mentioned starting a site to help us all. im ok with websites i have one of my own and thought about doing one. i jsut dont know the key to make it work. there has to be something that we could create that would make us feel like were part of the world but i dont know what it is. cuz even though were all depressed on this page, if we were all put in a room together even though we are all lonely most of us would still wanna just be left alone because no one understands ourselfs like ourselfs.
i was born poor, very poor, in a shitty city. every onc ein a while my parents scraped up extra cash to help me with stuff but rarely. i never had food in the fridge till iw as old enough to move out and get food stamps for being so poor. my anxiety keeps me inside without a chance to leave and help make myself better. the world has progressed even worse. the internet and dating sites and networking sites have made guys all players and girls so arrogant that neither guy or girl has a chance at love online unless your this superficial goddess. im 29 now and since 14 the only thing ive wanted was someone to make me not feel alone, a family and career, and time just kept passing me by and forgot about me. i never did find that right person and since i waited this long i refuse to just settle for anyone. anyoen i have interest in rejects me, im never good enough for any girl i think is pretty. i tried killing myself a bazillion times. i take all sorts of medications, the only thing that helps me breath and feel relaxed is drugs. i know it sucks to be dependant on drugs and i shouldnt do it but it gives me comfort for a little bit each day helping me get thru the day. eventually i know its adding up to my death. im slowly kiling myself. theres been times i take to much and think for sure as i close my eyes im not waking up tommorow and the worst feeling is knowing that im dying alone and when i die no ones going to be there. ive been single 5 years, i have one person who was the last person i dated who is really my only friend who is just as bad as i am, i try to help her she tries to help me, in the end were both doomed. i cant make her happy enough to be with me and to make her life better so that situation shows me im not even good enough for her. my worst fear is if i kill myself then ill be punished for it if theres a god. then i ask my self about life i study humans everyday and how we act. if some of us are born poor or dumb and thoughtless, why would any of us be punished or judged different in heaven, its not there fault they werent born smart, if someone kills someone why would they be punished and not go to heaven it prob wasnt there fault they were born crazy or put into a survival environment. nothing in this world makes sense. we become weak because were good people and we want to go to heaven, then other people abuse us use us steal from us and etc. making our lifes miserable. everyday i want to die, and its not because i hate this earth its because i hate the way my life turned out and i wanna start over or just be happy and be rid of this anxiety or be someone else or to not be alone anymore. now my thoughts are so far in depth and ive thought about these things for so many years that i can never go back to being normal, i can never have a carefree life, i can never go out and be part of the crowd because once all this happens u think differently. u dont see the world the same. ill never be better. the only thing i can do is keep finding things to get me thru each day and believe me im really really trying. wether it be drugs or just playing video games. i have this faith that this is all happening for a reason to me, and even to you. what the reason is i prob wont ever know but i really hope the reason is there