Exausted and overwhelmed..

I was searching the internet for ideas on how to commit suicide when I found this site. I read some of the stories and was extremely surprised by how many people feel so similar to how I do and some have even dealt with similar lives. I am at the end of my rope right now, I’m physically and mentally exhausted and I just don’t think I can carry on anymore. I have hurt myself many times by cutting, burning and I have come close to overdosing a few times but some part of me doesn’t want to end my life because of the people I care about and how they would feel. I am in desperate need of help.
Okay so where to start, I’m sorry if I babble on but there is quite a bit to get through.. I’m a seventeen year old girl I and people often see me as the happy, fun girl who anyone can rely on to cheer them up and have a laugh but that’s not really me at all. It’s my ‘mask’ as I call it, using the smile to hide how I really feel is so much easier then explaining to people why you are so depressed.
As a five year old girl with a baby brother and sister on the way I watched my parent fight constantly and my dad drank all the time. There were always slamming doors and yelling, things being broken and smashed and lots of crying. I would take my brother into his bedroom and hide away with him until I thought it was over. Mum and dad would often disappear into the garage, where us kids weren’t allowed, and do whatever drugs they were doing that week. Mum was diagnosed with depression and spent most of her time in her bedroom or the garage and me and my siblings would pretty much only see her when she came out to cook dinner. My dad would get home at about six at night and sit in the front room and drink until he went to bed. He had massive anger management problems and we were all pretty frightened of him so we often kept our distance. When my mother was pregnant with my second brother I was informed that the man that I thought was my father wasn’t even mine and still to this day I haven’t met my biological father. About a year later they separated and not long after that my mother was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. She refused to take her medication which made her moods really frightening. I was threatened to be kicked out of my home or placed into foster care many times throughout my life for little and insignificant things, like spilling a drink at the kitchen table. I had many problems with sleep and often sat up and watched over my siblings at night. I feel as though my siblings are my own children as I pretty much raised them, especially my youngest brother, they are my world!!
As a child I always loved my parents and forgave them every time even though they frightened me and made me grow up way earlier then I should have. But now I despise them for everything they have done to us all.
I was kicked out of my house officially in May last year and luckily taken in by a lady I worked with and her family. They are amazing and I love them so much! But I miss my siblings so much every day and I worry that their heads are being crammed with lies about me so eventually they will grow to hate me. My mother does not let me see the kids at all and it kills me inside not to be near them, not to kiss them goodnight or see my little sister’s primary school graduation, or my brothers thirteenth birthday.
Not long after I was kicked out I started getting chronic stomach pains. When I get this pain it is completely unbearable and I can do nothing but crawl in the foetal position on my bed and cry until it stops, which can be several hours later. I went to hospital numerous times and had an explorative surgery and many different tests but nothing showed up. I was put on pain killers by my GP at the time and I took them for approximately three months before I got told that they were a form of morphine. I returned back to hospital immediately and began to go through the withdrawals of the drug as they were taken away from me. It was so frightening and I felt horrible for days. I suffered so many different things during that time and it was the most horrific and sickening thing. After that I have been put on many different pain killers to control the pain but nothing works completely. About two weeks ago I was diagnosed (Thank gosh) and I will go into surgery in January to hopefully begin the process of ridding myself of the pain. The pain always lingers but sometimes gets worse and that’s when it’s unbearable. It stops me from going out and doing things with my friends because I am afraid to be too far from home and my bed.
Oh and just to add to the list I am quite underweight and my pain doctors constantly freak out about it and so does the lady I live with. I have been admitted to hospital because of it twice but I don’t have an eating disorder its just when I get really down I feel ill and cant eat so I don’t. However lately the sick feeling won’t go away so I couple of times I have threw up purposely to get rid of it. Sometimes it works but I know while my weight is this low its not a good idea for me to do it but it makes me feel better and, like cutting, I always think about it and I cant stop.
Well that’s most of my story in short form. To say the least I am just exhausted and overwhelmed by everything and I can’t stand the thought of carrying on with my life. Things just seem to be getting worse and I don’t where to go or who to turn to. I don’t like to tell people how I feel because i hate people worrying about me. The only reason I am holding on is for the people I’m living with as I know they care a lot for me and I can’t stand to think how they would feel if I ended my life. They have done so much for me and I don’t want to hurt them but I don’t know how much longer I can carry on like this anymore. And having to get up every day and act like I am happy and fine is so tiring and surprisingly difficult.
I have a wide selection of pain killers in my reach and I’m sure they could be harmful if I overdose but then I think how it would feel for them to find me and I feel horrible about even contemplating it.
I have cut myself many times but I haven’t for a little while because someone nearly spotted it and I couldn’t stand explaining it too someone. I don’t cut for attention or anything like that I do it because I feel as though it is one thing I can control in my life and when I do cut myself I don’t think about anything else. I cut myself in places people can’t see so that I don’t have to explain. I focus on slicing through the skin and that is all and then when it over I do it again. But when I stop I just keep on wanting to do it again and I know that can’t be healthy.
Lately though my mask has fallen off and a couple of days ago I didn’t leave my room in three days. A lot of people got worried but that only made me feel worse about it all. When I first lock myself away it’s usually just because I know I’m on the verge of a breakdown and I don’t want anyone to know but then being alone in the darkness of my room with my music changes nothing.
I feel so alone and scared of myself. I want to change but at the same time I don’t have the will or the power to do it. It would just be so much easier to end it all. Does any one have any advice beside seeing a doctor because I have tried that and all they want to do is admit me to hospital.. and I’m not going back there! Thanks for reading.