It’s been a wile since I thought about doing it…..and spark of light in the darkness

It’s been a few months since I posted anything of commented on this website.I think in my last post I was going to go on how I got to be suicidal and when I was going to kill myself but,It seems that my life has taken a 180 turn around.I know that nobody here propley remembers me on this website and if not I’m ok with it.I origanally joined this website to help people out throught their strugles in life and battles with depression however,I was the one who needed help.My proplem was that I coulden’t let go of the countless years of school bulliying and dark thoughts of wanting to make my school like colibine(the april 20th 1999 scholl shooting).I don’t want to explan why I wanted to kill them back then becouse I don’t want anybody to think I’m some sort of psycopath.I’m asuming that if anybodys ever gone throught that sort of bulliying without an idol to look up to with a achollice father and siplings that steal your money when your the one who goes out and gets a part time job,and don’t have any friends,and drops out of school then you propley know what i’am talking about.

I have been reading the bible preadully and came across John 3:11 wich states in some bibles }Therefor, O’ lord please take my life from me,for it is better for me to die than to live{.

I found this virse intersting becouse I haven’t talked to anybody about my views on suicide becouse people seem to react differentaly to it yet,both my parents and manager talk about suicide freely and for some reason the don’t get that feed pack as I do.

You see my moms a christion as well as my dad.They both have their proplems like every married couple dose from time to time yet in the end they both love each outher.I hate talking bad out “badmouthing” people behind their back so i’ll try to summerize this the best I can.My mom had me when she was 20(about a week ago I turned 20) not to be crule but,like me she droped out and was into the resturaunt buisness(the same were I’ve been working for about 4 years)Before she had me the was in love with my dad’s friend as she tells me,and ended up doing -you know what with him- and enden up -doing it- again with my “spositive” dad on the same day.It wasen’t at some party or anything where they slip things into your drink but,i think that she coulden’t decide who she wanted more.They spent time together drinking but,she says she stoped drinking when she found out she was pregnot with me but,she says later on she continued to smoke pot to help with the pain.

Wich is somthing I’ve did recentaly but,due to me working the late night shift and comming back for the afternoon shift I just do it so I can sleep and I haven’t felly experanced any negtive “side effects” like they tell you in elemtery school.For example,I’ll smoke pot one nite and the next day I’ll just stop and won’t be able to “Lite up” for a couple Months.It’s not that I can’t get a hold of it becouse almost everybody I work with dose it.It’s just that for some reason I gan’t get that addictit to it and for some reason when I’am “High” I’am not as depressesd as much and seemed more “laid back”…..I’m sorry I’m getting of topic.

Dispite my mother doing drugs back then and underage drinking she baicly raised me and my younger siblings so I have to give her props on it.Dispite my mom being a horder like what you see on A&E but,I guess what I see as trash she sees as valible memories.I  find it funny that when I was a kid she would often tell me to clean my room yet,1 time(throught the purpty era) told her to clean her room and she said(I’am an adult I don’t have to).

In the bilble I’ve been reading I came across Mathew 3:18-19 and although I don’t full remember the virses I thinks It gose somewhere about If the hand and the eye continues you to sin the cut in off and cut it out and cast it away for it is better to live without sin.Now in my prespective this would fall to a -self stemlater or a person who self stumlates him/her self-  althought I relly shoulden’t be talking about it on this website.I can’t say it’s good or bad since I’ve never did it and am proud to be a 20 year old male virgin who’s not obsessed with sex.I just thought it would be perty cool to save my virginaty untill I met the right girl and got married and “lose it” to sombody who I relly love….sorry I’m trailing off again.

As for my dad,It’s relly hard to say my feelings for him.I don’t remember him much as a kid becouse he was always working to surrport My mouther,me,and my siblings,and bought us toys anytime we went to the store.I guess you could say he spolied us.Before he met my mouther he graduated from high school and made some side cash selling pot wich i’am sure studients are doing it right now.My dad says to people he haven’t seen in years that he stoped useing cocaine since he married my mother.This is sonthing I can belive since I never seen he do it as a kid but,i do remember the smell of pot and budwiser and a kid and remember being called the 4 letter f word with an er at the end.He always seemed to vanish when I wanted to see him as a kid.My father worked and a car deaitaler and soon tecnesion for about 18 years and after work he would do side jobs to surrport us.Half the time looking back on it now I think it was to surrport his habbits.When ever I had a proplem in school I would have to come to my mom for help becouse I don’t think that my dad knew how to handle the suitation.For example If I came home with ripped clothing or shaving cream on my face becouse I was a freshmen it was an “o’well” but, my mom would get in her viecail with me and file a report against the school right their befroe I could wipe the shaveing cream off or change my clothing but,end the end that puictuler school diden’t take notce untill I droped a “Suicide letter” by the school office just so they’ll notice me and have a cop watch my every move so nobody would pick on me.Anyways,with my dad,It’s kind of hard to forgive sombody who says “I’m proud of you son” one day and when you fail 1 class he drags you out of bed wile your asleep and spanks you.I remember one time as a kid I counted 15 spankings reapleaty when we was durnk.Now I know that child abuse exists in the world today and even now I’am not sure if I was deing dissablined of if I was an object of torrment from his days at work and even thought My mom tryed to stop him multpile times in was more of a barking dog to his actions.Perhaps in his mind the “works don’t work action will” what my mom used to say flows just about everybody in my family.I supose the slaps in the back on the head I used to recive form him then were nonthing compared to the black eye and still missing teeth my bro has.Of course that was are life in the “90-06” years untill he got in a car aciduient (and me and my bro were with him that day and I was the one who “almost died” as they say and hince my fear of driveing) broke both his wrists,and his ripchage reparing a roof,the next year,made him like the mick foley of the hell in the cell of 1998 in the fight with the undertaker.Yet he only suffers from a tear from his ripcage when it pearced his lunges.He now takes Vicodion as it stops the pain.For a wile he had a 215 card a grew pot but stoped doing is time he got his recent job at the juvies being a cook.(Hince my previous statement eariler when I said I could get a hold of pot due to their being a rather larger amount left over)I see the pain he wnet through as a rather puniswhment for terating us the way he did.

He did pull out his RETIREMENT recentally becouse he wanted to get himself “somthing nice” wich was a 1964 mustange with was about 9 grand.Now I don’t want to be mean but,a side from that he’s acting as if he’s won the lottery buying, things that I belive he dosen’t relly need like a new t.v for example.I just think I see the futcher and this one.I think retirement money is for when you don’t have a job and your old and can’t work anymore not somthing to Ba Ha with.My dads also the reason for my video game addiction as a kid and teenage years.He tought me how to play mario when I was 6 years old on the 1 st nintendo and sonic and nuckeles on the sega genniess.As a kid in the 90 I’ve seen the eviolution on Sega,nintendo,Sony(aka playstation),Recent X box,gameboys,and recent Psps this includes the devolpe of cell phones.I can tell you about all the secrets in super mario bros 3 and how to get all the choas emerils in sonic 1-3 and sonic and nuckles.I can say that I seen sega become a home gameing concle to a mere video game devolp company.I can’t say however what it’s like to play football,base ball,scocer,or anyouther sport.I only whigh 128 pounds and I’m 20 so most docters will tell you that it’s normal but,in school when all you know is video games that arn’t concered “cool” and spend most of your time watching cartoon nexwork,Toonamie,Nicktoons, and ect. kids in my youth that I went to school with diden’t want to hang out with a freak who can’t catch a ball.

Now for my boss.I ‘am sorry this rant is so long.My boss is the person who reminds me much of my dad.He builds houses in his spare time,re-builds computers,and of corce manages the resturaount where I’am working at.Althought I don’t talk to him much.My dad told him one time that I bought a nintendo wii and when I was on break he minchend he was sorry he diden’t have any video games for me to play wile I was on break.I remember when I first started working their I was in my mind the worst employie anybody ever saw and he said(becouse I was behind on dishes)”you think your right but,thats becouse your young but,your not right”.Remembering him say things like”Don’t do anything nice for people becouse in the end they’ll srew you over”.I think that one was a word of advise and i remember one time getting in truble for not going on break but,we were out of ice and I asked him if I should fill up the ice maschine before I went on break and he sain yes and or corese we were slamed with people so in less that 2 miniouts I fill both are Ice machines and he told he “Eaither go on break or go home”, and her looked at the outher employie who’s been their longer that I’ve been alive and said”He can work better without you”.Yet last week he had to stay later due to us being busy and still had paper work to fill out and when he finaly got off in was 4 hours later when he usully leaves and said “Well see you next week if I don’t commet suciide”

Wich brings me where I begain.I’ve heard both my parents talk about suicide when their exteramly depressed and recentaly a sibling brought it us and my fokes said that indivaiaul shoulden’t talk about it but that person brought up the fact theat they both talk about it from time to time and I’ve even herad my boss and a few co-workers bring it up.Once co-worker I know told me he tryed to commet suicide by slowing a contaner of speeping pills and drinking two entire bottles of Jack danielles yet I continue to work with him and deviloped in my mind some sort of feelings for his newly employed sister who seems to be exactly the type of girl I’m looking for without loss morils.Yet she’s with a guy who she knows is cheating on her and beats her and as much as I want to tell her to leave him I don’t want to be the one to tell her what to do ya know?

Anyways,the point I guess I’am trying to prove is even though things look grim right now theirs always a bright side to it.Mabe not now but,in the next couple of years.If I killed myself way back in 2005 then I woulden’t be where I’am at now with co-workers who acully got me birthday gifts and want me to hang out with them to watch the “Game” on monday night.Of corce if they knew me back then they propley woulden’t talk to me.Anywho,To everybody who’ve read this thanks.Their were thinks that I should’ve said and what not and put some thought into pondering about this rant/post.I’ve spent the last 2-3 hours typeing this and I hope It did some good.Thanks…Untill next time.Remember theirs always a rainbow after the storm:)