Journal Entry: 10/18/2007

10/18/2007 2:45 pm

There are 3 reasons why I haven’t tried it yet:

a) I wouldn’t really know how

b) I’m afraid it won’t work

c) I’m afraid I’m gonna miss out a reason to stay alive.

I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid to live.

Looking back:

That night in my junior year is when I almost committed suicide. I took a 2″ wide sewing ribbon, looped it around the top of my closet door, and tried to hang myself. But I didn’t expect it to work, it scared me that it would have. Something stopped me and made me step off the chair and go to bed. I guess I really was afraid I’d miss out on a reason to stay alive. To this day, almost 4 years later, I’m still not sure. I “turned myself in” the next day and was sent off to the hospital (which I may add, my dying, starving grandmother was in the hospital as the exact same time I was) for the next week in the psych ward.

My dad told me something that day, when they found out what I did: “What would you have accomplished by having us find your body in your room?”

It sounds harsh. But it definitely grabbed my attention.

In case you’re wondering, there are 3 main reasons why I was depressed and suicidal:

1) I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, I felt like all I ever did was screw things up in life. I felt worthless: the guy I was in love with just used me to cheat on his girlfriend. My mom treated me like I was only good for doing chores, and my dad treats me like I am only good for being pretty and sexy.

2) I felt like I was going nowhere in life. If I can’t deal with problems in school, how am I supposed to deal with bigger problems when I’m older?

3) And I felt like my depression was never going to go away. No way am I going to be sad and depressed and crying myself to sleep every day for the rest of my life.

But I just want everyone to know: there is hope. I got better on my own over time. I graduated high school, I got a job, and started taking classes at a community college. Yeah I still deal with some of the same crap (parents and homework and such) but it’s a lot more manageable now. I understand that there is life outside of high school. I’m not afraid of the future so much. I’m not exactly ready to move out of my parents’ house, but within the next few years I will be. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 10 months, and I know that he and my closest friends understand me and treat me like a human being, not just something to be used and thrown away.