Purpose (die)

Well, I am writing again how life is hard for me. I am not a rape survivor or anything very big like some of the other people on here, but that doesn’t mean life is great. I cannot tell my parents anything. i have no self-esteem, never had a girlfriend, failing school, stepmom hates me, dad doesnt listen to me. Yesterday, I felt fatigued, my head hurted, muscles ached, back hurted, and i looked it up and found out for the 50th time. i have a high chance of severe depression. Only problem is, I can’t get the ****in balls to tell my mom about it. She thought I was getting the flu, or its cuz ive been playing video games all day, every day. I have no purpose in life, and whats worse is I really like my cousin. I’m 15 and male and she has a alcoholic dad who said he was going to kill me. my mom found out about my idea of my cousin so she wants to make me read a book made by the fucking church I despised since i got in. my dad is a jehovahs witness and forces me to go. i’m an agnostic atheist not that bullshit, but yet he forces me to go and doesnt let me speak to my lil brother about my belief and tells me to shut up. Anyways, i have no reason to live and my family may have a genetic cancer or whatever, so both my grandmas died of it and my cousin got it but i hate him. then my healthy aunt got it so i found out i could get it too. I am afraid to take risks and i never am motivated to do anything, so yes i have given up. I wanna die and i want it soon because life hasnt gotten better especially since my tight ass father wont listen to what i have to say because he only believes what he thinks will help. i am not a cutter, ive considered cutting but dont cuz im afraid of the pain i guess. but i do choke myself just for the fuck of it. mostly to keep the suicide thoughts out of my head or when i have nothing to do and im alone, since it keeps me from thinking straight. i hate how when i text people on my cell phone, i let it all out i tell them everything i think about and listen to what they have to say. Now, anyways i just want to die, i didnt want to get outta bed today. i hate a lil bit of food because i have no apetite. As you can se, most of the things ive written about are symptoms of depression. i have an itouch so i look up a lot of stuff. last night i couldnt stop crying, i read a story about a father who got “ripples” from his sons suicide so i broke down sobbing silenty while my mom, stepdad, and 2 year old sis were watching tv. i put my moms name in “dad”‘s post and broke down and looked at depression symptoms and cried again because i had those symptoms. i have voices in my head, that i even dream about. i remember waking up at night to fall asleep to those fucking dreams about those fucking voices… i had insomnia yesterday, i tried sleeping at like 4p.m. and fell asleep at about 2a.m. at night. i know i need to seek proffesional help but i dont have the balls to do it. i have no backbone. i dont want my mom to suffer. she has financial problems and all i do is keep her up at niht cuz i scream at the video game frpm  my SHORT-TEMPER. I WAS PLaying black ops ever since it came out and every weekend and vacation i play it. anywas, my chris(t)mas sucked because it reminds me of all the holidays i never got to celebrate and how i didnt get drunk that day. I dont even understand wat santa represents or anything in chrismas. its stupid and i feel bad since my mom buys me shitty presents that are cheap, but i feel more guilt than happiness and anger. i feel guilty because she works to pay the rent with mt=y stepdad so i dont like it when she spends on me and shes pregnant so she shouldnt be working cuz it hurts her to get up (due in march). I feel anger because i hate that other people celebrated it a long time ago, and those presents are cheap. my b-day is march 1st but i dont care anymore since its too late now i wish i could celebrate it but when i try to i feel out of place. Fuck my dad, fuck religion all you 2 cause me is pain and also most of all… FML