I’ve found self-confidence through the military, but the depression is getting to me. I need to get out of the army, last 3 more weeks, but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling down. I need to go home, the sergeant hates me now. He thinks I’m an idiot andÂ I’m messing up because I can’t handle the stress. I don’t want to tell him because I’ll be stuck here longer. I just need to wait it out and get home safely.
You’d suspect temptation to be caused by lust or just plain carnal instincts. In my case my cousin was the lustful desires I had. Yet the true temptation at the moment pegs from Nycolle the first girl I fell for. (Read my earliest posts for my deranged and mentally inadequate child in me) Â Onto the point at hand, I recently created a new facebook, found her on it after finding she blocked me. I found her on snapchat as well and here is where I consider things. Should I really risk messaging her again. It’s been over 5 years, why bother my childhood love? Because its more tham just love. Its an obsession. If I had been a common criminal with the nerve to speak to her or act upon instincts. I’d have followed her home. stalked her and all that creepy binocular shit. Â Instead i watched from afar, cried myself to sleep and stalked her facebook. Now i resort to the same thing and like a rehabilitated addict I still feel the familiar pangs for a hit. Or like a self harmer, the desire to put my hands on my neck and push until i fall unconcious or grab a small blad and slice my flesh. Â I would chase this drug that she has become, my addiction and obsession with knowing the full brunt of withdrawal and such. Â I want there to be a reset button. Pondering so much on my days at home has brought me anxiety. Gah I fucking hate my mind.
I’m sorry about all the things I did in my “youth”. I made the stupid decision to push you away back when SP chat was so popular. I made a stupid comment saying I committed a grotesque thing that meant I would get banned from that community and sort of shunned. It was for the better, although only because I was on the chat for far too long. I bet it’s either dead now or only 2 or three people left on there.
I can’t think of all the names of my old friends of whom I miss dearly, but yet somewhere in my mind your names are lit up. Maybe a stone with names engraved and highlighted on them. These names include: Dawn, orangish, custard, kali, dawg, Amber, lost_thn_you_die, soup, and a bunch of others. The good ole’ SP members of whom I miss, now all I see is new faces and it makes me a little sad that maybe you are all gone, but also a bit glad if you moved on from the depression and found survival, maybe even happiness. You all deserve it. Even the new faces, remember time may seem like its your enemy now but when you endure it, it will look like so little time Â when you look back on it. I was depressed for at least five years, I may not be free from the depression, but yet I’ve made fairly good progress, finally having self-confidence.
So to my old friends… To my family in the SP community, I’d like to say Hello and that I ha e survived. And also I love you all.
I just want to say that I love you all. As a community of fucked up people, social outcasts, great minds, the cold and lonely and unlucky people
I love you all. Been on here since i was 15. And on that fateful day I chose to look up suicide methods. I ignored the website that talked about help and such and came here. I found people who were interesting and like me. Although my problems were faint in comparison, it still meant people who were relating and also helpful in my time of need.
I thank you all for your support and to the admins even when i was a shitbag troll. I’m sorry for that. I love you all, as my great friends in a suicidal community. Talk to me on kik to say hello and such. Rogueshadow1233
bullies in the army. Some shitbags making fun of Abagis for being gay, he was accepted by us back at basic training. For him to slit his wrists and be chaptered out for his suicide attempts. I want to hurt those bastards for that yet i take no action against my bullies on the homefront in the army. I should just fight back full fledged (starts out with shit talking then gets physical and i punch back and they kick harder and suddenly theyre beating on me in formations. I guess i should be the one beating on them. The. It’ll be fights behind closed doors. Then maybe I’ll get some sort of respect. Earn their respect by breaking one of them. Scare them straight. Just like Ender Wiggin (possibly not enough to kill them but you know).
Now some important things to talk about is
I’ve been depressed since i was about 13, skip the minute details like why i became so and such and then 5 years later I’m 18 join the army and find pride in myself after finishing boot camp and finally rid of that mental plague called depression. Now I’m different, but the old me. I miss it. I miss being depressed miserable (could be self-destructive nature) I miss mostly the dark thoughts I long for them. I feel awkward kind of like with birthday parties, when everyone chants that stupid birthday song (dad is a jehovahs witness we never celebrate bdays or holidays but my mom dicorced my dad and now she tries to get me a bday party and celebrate things) but i just leave the room cuz i feel awkard out of place. Imagine living as a completely different person, depression gone it just feels weird awkward. Thats what I’m dealing with now.
I’ve become accustomed to the darkness. When i went to boot camp i loved being in the corner of the room, i have the opposite of claustrophobia i like small spaces, corners. I hate open areas. Sometimes i look at the sky and imagine gravity disappearing and just falling into space into the vacuum.
I kind of want to quit the army
I don’t wanna do so through dishonorable discharge or else jobs will be impossible to get but i wont follow through with it and i know im gonna either have to lose the depression completely or embrace it. Since trying to stay mostly sane for the next 3 years 29 weeks is nearly impossible.
And i love being fit, as a soldier, feeling more attractive, self esteem higher but shit i miss my old mindset. I don’t know what to do and imagine getting PTSD? Thats would be a bit hectic
time to refresh my mind, maybe its time to go back to pretending to have two seperate personalities. Rogue and Nate
Dark/depressed vs. Dumb and Happy
I miss self-harming.
After midnight up to 3:10am seems to be my witching hour where my thoughts are most rampant. I’m harmless to be honest. Never been in a fight. I’ve dealt with bullies all my life letting them hurt me and now I’ve found my own bullies in the army and i try not to start trouble
Not like the old me. Kind of like a disease my body is mentally rejecting.
I kind of confused myself so much on the concept of emotions and mental disorders that i dont understand myself anymore. And plus self-asphyxiation kind of has me feeling dumb too so its hard to think straight and shit
Not nightmare last night. Tonight may be different. I’m expecting the voice nightmare to come and me wake up crying. An anxiety attack in my sleep I suppose. I’m not sure why it happens but it happens. Maybe some childhood event I’m traumatized by. I sometimes see a street, with a guy ona hydraulic lift. Hes scaling a tree, theres a chinese food store down the street. Then it suddenly turns into a new setting a brick wall. Brownish red with holes in it that arent reslly there. The holes look like passages like looking at an ant farm. I see weird shapes, sights forgotten just like any other dream. The voices echo in my head, words inaudible, but the tone recognizable. At least one female voice, one adult male the others an assortment. What does this dream mean? Why does it cause an uncontrollable panic?
i wish i could know, but it seems impossible to find out. Maybe hypnotism could work. My mother says its devil magic or demons ir some weird religious shit. Either way maybe they could make me see the dream and tell me after what I really saw. Hypnotists must be damn expensive especially if its for a mental condition i bet rather than parlor tricks.
Oh well I’m not sure what to do about ot. Time for a shower and then down this red bull and get ready for school. If problems mentally persist I’ll seek assistance from a psychologist or something.
Relapse…I posted the other day that I’m finally in the clear of my depression. What a relief right? Turns out that little echo thing that I felt which reminded me of my nightmares is a bit like a premonition or even an alarm. I felt different going to chow. I got my food and started eating. A minute or two in. I get tunnel vision and a massive amount of anxiety. What’s happening? Turns out I had a panic attack, almost started hyperventilating. I was frozen, staring at the coffee mug filled with homemade gatorade as I mentally freaked out. Now as it has been every other time. Some day in the next week I’ll have a nightmare about the voices again. Thats what always happens. Maybe it wasnt that i missed being depressed or maybe it was. But it may also be that my old self, before the army, is coming back. I told a few battle buddies about my situation and if the mental problems persist as i feel myself becoming more like the old self i was. I’ll visit the psychologist and tell them everything except the suicidal part. Maybe then I can try some of those damn meds everyone has been using. Happy pills ya know. If not then ya know.
It must not be a good thing necessarily that I’m cured and yet I’m wanting the thoughts. The dark ones back. I love talking about depression and suicide it was my life only months ago. Somehow I was cured. A sense of pride in myself alien to me fills me with self-confidence. Where the confidence came from would be completing basic training for the military.
I came in hoping that during the shooting range i could pull the trigger on myself and if not then then j would be able to shoot myself during my military career. The thought of having a rifle by my side at all times makes me feel safe. Not to kill the enemy but if i’m ready to leave this earth theres a surefire way to do so.
Instead i go about through the hardships and get to graduation. Finally 7 weeks into my AIT i realize its this pride that brought me back to happiness. No longer the black plague filling me with dread. But my mind is already used to seeing in the dark. The light is blinding and sometimes it closes its eyes and misses the dark thoughts it was always surrounded by.
I try to write dark stories like i used to but its not the same. I even miss the anxiety filled nights of crying because of its familiarity. Its seriously an addiction just like my addiction to video games.
So here i am about to post on SP, sitting in the barracks of AIT listening to good tunes (eminem as i used to do listening to the depressing words he spoke about life and some crazy stuff) and about to talk about how things finally seem better.
I want to help other suicidal people. Ny experience with these thoughts makes me understanding, compassion makes me loving, a solution to the depression droves me to share it. Talk to me, if I could save you then its so much better.
Phone # text me at (8053403636)
I’m here to listen, here to help, here to understand.
I wish I could get high, find some sort of pleasure besides cigarrettes and masturbation
ALthough i may be in the army, my suicidal thoughts remain somewhere in my head,Â they resurface occassionally.
School is great, we’re getting copious amounts of notes and are practically halfway through the course and yet i feel no smarter on the aspects of mechanic work. It seems all we need to troubleshoot is a computer, tech manuals and a tool kit and suddenly we’re professional mechanics. I should have chosen a more advanced occupation., I dont even like cars enough to pay attention to the minute details of an engine. Who cares about a 6.5 liter turbocharged diesel engine?
I wish I could explain more, but as of now I’ve had no sleep, most of the monster has worn off and i have a lot of shit to do today, including fix my room up since we moved out of the fifth floor down to the 3rd and i need to get my ASU’s ready and inspected and do my army/ordnance creed and song.
It could be my sudden ignorance of depressing thoughts, I’m not as susceptible to depressing thoughts especially since I’m going back to california on the 21st and im anxious as hell about it. I wish I could smoke weed but after holiday block leave theyre giving us a goddamn urinalysis and that would be sure to kick me out of ther army if they found weed in my system.
IF you were to look into my past, my past posts youd find all of it to be me whining about such bad things when in reality they were bloated beyond recognition. I also never had any ambition or drive to fix my problem, even now I struggle a bit.
Its been too long aince i last posted. Last time we talked, I whined about how I was panicking about joining the army. I’m currently inthe army and gained access to y phone.
Now then, I finished basic training, got to shoot an M-16, and rarely thought about shooting myself in the face. Anywho, I am hiding the fact that I am prone to emotional disorders as I suspect the depression to come back to me A.S.A.P. I have come to realize that joinin the army has given me a snese of accomplishment as I have graduated basic training
As a soldier, the army has made me devote all my time, energy, and thoughts to support my occupation here, it has benefited me positively in many ways. It payse 1500 a month. I get this pay to work out, how many of you can say you get paid to work out? Its a good way to stay in a job although there are lots of soldier getting kicked from the army nowadays. The best thing is I don’t have to worry about my depressive thoughts creeping up on me while I focus on all the aspects of the army. Normally if it didnt require me to devote my time on the army i would count down the days until christmas break which is on the 20th when i go back to California.
The army life is crazy, and I am now somewhat more disciplined and reserved. Its a geeat opportunity. If you want to keep yourself away from your depression all you gotta do is stay focused on things yoh enjoy (or takes up your time and you can commit to it) and wait out Your depression. I hope some familiar faces are still on here since its awful without you all.
Hi, some of you may remember me, some may not, I am Rogue, the one who wanted so badly to join the army. well I had gone through the Military Entrance Processing Station. I did my oath and signed a bunch of papers pledging my loyalty. Little did I know that, until this night at around 9 pm, my mom informed me that there is little to no chance of quitting the army. After a quick 10 seconds of tears as I am having trouble letting them flow, and a few breaths of hyper-ventillation, I realize how fucked I really am. Now there are quite a few things buzzing through my head (consisting of: offing myself would escape that fate, letting myself join and potentially dying there, or by some miracle find a loophole such as a mental illness [besides insanity plea, I dont want to be locked up] or some other disability to free me, also how my life will pan out from there, my training regime that i need to start doing, my long-distance online relationship with a girl I met on Black Ops 2, this thirst and hunger that i forgot about, the all nighter i pulled the other night, my intact virginity, Ashley breaking up with me as soon as i join boot camp).
All kinds of things pop into my head and I have to sort them out and attempt to dislodge them and deal with them. this brought me here to rant on about how I need to fix this problem and deal with it and possibly get some insight on the situation besides the obvious “you”re fucked now buddy”. And here I was planning out how I would get my braces back on, get a job, go to community college, wait for ashley to graduate high school and go to college and then live happily ever after.
great time to think comically about this situation and think about ways to laugh it off as a sticky situation in the future. Oh the joys the future will bring me. Ashley said shes leaving me on my ship out date August 20th and we’ll see if we could be together after that whole ordeal… Especially with almost no means of talking to one another. I giess I’ll end here and hope and pray to this vile creature called God to save me from this messenger of hell.
I’m feeling angryt as a fucking stampede whether that makes sense or not. I’m feeling “bipolar as fuck”, thats my self evaluation. I drank a Monster Energy “Supplement” and it has me hyperactive, and feeling extra shitty. I want to blow off steam. I tried talking to the SP chat, but they are on their own tangent and tending to their wounded and my mind was too fastpaced to even comprehend their acknowledgement of my current condition.
Dont tell them I’m complaining about them,, I really am not, I’m complaining about myself and shit thats going on in my head. I need some sort of release and am hoping that you can somehow help me. Too bad there isnt a squad of moderators or therapists on this site that can act fast upon my insertion of this post. My moms bf is at a bar, an irish pub haha, drinking his ass off. He is considered a recovering alcoholi, but hes still drinking off his ass, and he is going to be using my moms car to do it.
I have som many things to do right now, theres ballad and stuff… jk I have drivers permit and liscense due by march 5 which is the due date for a court hearing that in need to go to for speeding and lack of a liscense. I also need to find an internsite since the deadline is on March 11th. My 18th bday is coming up and I realized something to do with bdays.
Because my dadf didnt celebrate holidays nor bithdays I suffered in that sense. (my hands are cold right now). My DOB would come and go as it pleased through the years. That in turn aided my depression. Why make a big deal out of a year older, if it means one year closer to death. It held no significancee to me. I got a year older and i was socially awkward. This in turn kept my self estee done. I remember 1st or 2nd grade where my brain kicked it up a notch and I found out that my parents didnt see my test score as extremely exciting. He looked and smiled then looked away i noticed that reaction on my face as well. Soon thereafter i stopped caring as much for having a sense of accomplishment, my work ethic slouched to a low, and my grades suffered. I still learned a lot, being a spelling genius until later on when these words became to hard for me to learn on my own annd my test scores would be b range.
Even now I somehow can “guess” or “infer” all my questions, and figure out the key facts with little brainpower. I guess its the same as giving stoners weed and letting them become engineer so they can get high with it. I use enough brainpower to get by. Anything that requires more isnt worht it. getting a girlfriend through the internet or texting using a phone or even yelling from across the street, i did that with Azalea who lived across the street from my cousins and Katie (Kati in spanish) in mexico with my family there. My cousins friend Lizzie my first gf we talked through text. I have tried to pus myself to the limit but cant get myself to ask Janel or anoyone for that matter our.
This in turn has led me into a socially awkward state. Homework and classwork i rarely do… I want to fix it, but I even lack the motivation (and the motivation to get motivated) to do something.ButÂ I digress and shall try to find something to do thanks for listening…
If everytime I message her, I feel high, then what does it mean? What if it brings me out of numbness. What if after our talks, I end up feeling like shit. We come back to my old rants about love. I thought Nycolle was my drug, yet I just felt worse and worse the whole time.
Lucky for me there are people here who most highly likely feel the same about this kind of situation. But, the problem is my lack of long term solutions for this problem. What can I do? After breaking off what little we had? People from here tell me not to give up. My favorite number is three, I have Oh Cee Dee, yet I fell for three girlies. (Failed attempt at poetry)
3 girls. One after the other, I fall in love, the first I was in foolish love. I got over her rejection within 3 years ish. My next was (familiar)close to me, and the rejection took a few months. The third, I still recover from, but I have thus mentally vowed never to love again. Whether I will hold true to that thought, I do not know.
Today, I went through visiting internship sites for school. I got rejected from all and got a maybe as well. Then I got home and went on the computer, as soon as she came about and we chatted, my mood plummeted back to this.
I wouldn’t blame her, it all was my fault for what happened. I flirted with people from here the whole time, I move on to the next SPer from chat. One falls for me because she’s vulnerable and then I leave her abandoned and rejected. I fall for another and she feels hurt. She watches as our love grows and finally someone speaks up on her part. I don’t listen, but SHE, compassionate and loving as she is does what’s best for everyone but US… Some say my lack of relationships and distrust and yearning of them is due to my mother divorcing my dad, showing love doesn’t last. My mom has yet to find someone she actually love, sticking with a drunken idiot for a boyfriend.
It is plausible that I feel distrust of them for the same reason and yet yearn for them as well, but i don’t know. Call me smart, all you will do is put a smile on my face for a moment. In my head, that’s no better than flirting with girls to make them happy and thus making me feel accomplished and less lonely.
I have a friend from here that kept calling me smart and that boosted my ego quite a bit, leading me to feel bloated with intelligience as I like to use big words to further my ego. This isn’t too great for me as of now…
Here I am, lacking a smile. Thinking about my future of living alone, joining the military, hearing my mom scream and cry as she gets news of my death on the battlefield while in the Marines… But if I survive I will then move to live alone and probably work as a car mechanic and thus go through a monotonous lifestyle of wake up, eat, go to work, come home, smoke a bowl, eat snacks, go out and buy more snacks, fall asleep and repeat that lifestyle.
That’s how my life will pan out. At some point I may take my gun out of my safe, and then blow my brains out. Or drive up to Canada or Mexico and do it there so my mom doesn’t hear about it. She’ll think I’m having a life and will only miss me, but not know the truth… Time to do my homework… Bye.
I’m back in school since the winter break. I have a few things on my mind, including the finals in 2 weeks.
My to-do list includes:
Apply for jobs (already applied at McDonald’s and the Habit, also need an auto shop for an internship for my auto class)
I need to find a recruiter for the military
Start a workout regimen that doesn’t mess up a schhedule i guess i have to compile since i will have to balance 8 hours of an internship and a normal part time job.
need to either find weed or get the psychologist to analyze me for my possible moderate depression and most likely OCD. And I am contemplating on this as an option since it may disqualify me from getting into the military.
I would like to join the military for a few reasons. First off, it’s benefits seem good enough, and it will help me have a scheduled life determined by someone else so i can at least have 4 years of control. Having been able to determine where i have beeen these next four years. I want to be able to get experience from active duty, possibly frontlines Marines. get some action. Clear my head so that i dont always dream of becoming a uniformed soldier. Get the government to help pay for a scholarship. Also learning to fire a gun is a good thing.
Best of all I will feel comfortable having a rifle by my side in case life gets too unbearable. It sounds much better than being in college possibly, with no sure-fire way of suicide. And being bored in a classroom learning about crap i may not care about.
I understand the risks of PTSD and possibly it being worse to be depressed and joining the military. I keep asking whether the scholarships and benefits and whether or not getting a psychologist to evaluate me would disqualify me from being in the service. Most point to disqualification, but I’m not 100% sure.
I’m somewhat suicidal i guess, I would love to die, but i dont have motivation to do so. I’m trying to wait another four years until things get better. it seems like the meaning of life involves having hope for a better future, it sounds more like a lost cause. Just like the idea of religion believing that we need to be faithful to god. Maybe it is bullshit for the masses so their minds dont wander. Well at least those people didnt have to worry about depression.
Anyways this is all I can say. Other than that i fear i may be desiring to “fall in love” again. I keep telling myself that i should sort my own problems out (which include getting a psychologist to help me out) before tackling a relationship. But my OCD makes me obsess over another girl, just like my obsession with going insane, must be OCD.
I think these dreams that i had may be linked to my anxiety, because during the dream things got magnified in confusing ways , like focusing on something too much. My moms bf’s dad spoke to me about hanging out with friends instead of staying at home and he spent extra long and i was getting anxiety and my focus on him and anxiety caused me to feel like i was magnifying on him looking at every detail of him. It was nerve-wracking and i hate it. I was also speechless as he spoke to me i tried to pay attention but he talked too much and merely nodded my head at him hoping he would shut up already.
Gah anyways. I already miss my group chats with Nobody915, Puppet, dead, our small little group. I miss our slightly old times… -_-
Late at night, at around 12 A.M. he heard light pitter patter along the halls of the SP House. Nate heard a crash around his door then a paper slipped into his room and then the pitter patter disappeared into the distance. Getting off his bed, he got the note and put it into his pocket. Knowing who it was from, he moved to the lounge.
Hooded figures entered the room, mysteriously late at night. Looking into the room, he saw puppet, as he called himself, leave the room with a hint of sadness. Sitting down at the table, she looked at him and mouthed “please leave” then continued on in conversation. Shocked, Nate left the room…
Walking to his room, he remembered she had crimson etched on her skin and her body was wet, footprints from outside and across the hall into the lounge and into the next room to him where she resided. he went to bed and attempted to sleep…
He awoke, the morning light shining through his dark room, quickly being extinguished by his dark feelings. He went to the blue and white room and searched the posts to find one addressed to him. It read something along the lines of I love you from someone with pretty handwriting that seemed to speak out to him. He wrote “Me too” and walked away to get some breakfast.
Bacon and eggs, with some orange juice. He ate it without tasting it, trying to fill the rumbling stomache of his. He walked into the lounge and eavesdropped on them. Words were passed around of being shirtless on a Monday, either to fill some sexual satisfaction, boost self-esteem or something else. He listened some more as the brought up the weather and the nice view they had. Some people believed this place to be Paradise….
Looking around, he noticed a large fort obstructing his path to his darkened corner. He quickly left the room and pulled his hoodie on and got some objects from his room. (Nate has entered the room) He entered the room again, and went to the large castle and called out to the owner of that majestic palace. ” I come bearing gifts!” The mighty door opened up and a pretty little warrior came forth and spoke. “This isn’t a trojan horse is it?” He smiled slyly at that remark. ” Nay… I mean, no, I come bearing gifts from the quest I was assigned to battle the evil cyclops that haunted the forest.” She moved inside and motioned him to follow.
Entering the palace, he looked at the paintings and pictures she had pinned to the walls. “Who drew these masterpieces?” She smiled and blushed, then spoke.” A young ugly peasant by the name of Dawn.” He looked at her slyly smiling and spoke,” by young ugly peasant, do you mean wonderful, pretty and young Princess?” He looked again taking note of her pictures signifying many of her victories against the monsters in her past.
“What is your name?” She asked elegantly, and she smelled of vanilla, so sweet and cute. He spoke again,” Why I am the infamous Prince of Darkness. I have come to meet the famed princess who was able to slay so many dragons and beasts.” She smiled again and spoke,” The rumours speak of a noble and powerful warrior. Do I appear strong enough to take on these dragons all by myself?” Her smile faded and she looked out the fort to the countless people speaking about the good ole’ days.
He took her by the hands and pointed to a painting.” These battles were not all fought without friends,” he pointed at the shadow of a tree, then the sun,” there are friends hidden in the hardest of places. You must open up your heart and mind to them though. Embrace them with open arms.” She looked at the shadow and noticed it looked like the silhouette of a hooded figure, and the sun was of a smiling face. Looking back and the dark prince, he held his arms out ready to embrace her. She smiled, with a tear in her eye and hugged him back.
They spent the rest of the day fighting dragons and monsters together as he fought valiantly along side her.At one point she whispered to him “my bedroom” and ran off. He smiled and followed a few seconds behind. Entering the room, it was dark and he spotted a lone figure under the sheets, but as he came closer it did not stir. He thought he got the jump on her when suddenly a blinding flash of light came suddenly and blunt weapons began smashing him knocking him over and beating him to the ground.
Suddenly, a beast jumped on him and began eating at his face and he attempted to push it off as he yelled and screamed for help, then spoke out laughing. “Bella, I could smell your kibble breath, please stop, hahaha.” He got up and pet the dog and looked at his attackers, the young princess and her ally, Katie the Bear. “Open the chest and retrieve my treasures and spoils!” he got up and wiped the doggie drool from his face and retrieved a golden statue… Pulling it out, he handed a teddy bear to each of the girls and hugged them. “This reminds me of you, so cute like a teddy bear, but also fearsome like a real bear.” They smiled and danced and then Katie left.
They ate lunch and dinner triumphantly like kings and later at night he presented some gifts he held with him at all times. “here I brought you scriptures of birdmen and woman who fight for survival, and another about a boy who wore a false mask that concealed his inner demons. Chocolate, the most delicious that the gold I aquired from dragons could buy. This and my loyalty sworn to you.”Â She marveled at the prince’s wonderful gifts and savored a piece of the chocolate. She moved up to him and hugged him.
” I have one request.” She spoke to him in a shy and sincere voice. “What is it, my queen?” She blushed, then stopped speaking. Her demeanor changed as she took a deep breath. “Willyoutakemyhandinmarriage?” She spoke quickly and suddenly. He looked at her, analyazing every word as much as possible. He stood silently for a minute or two, which she stared at him feeling it was years since he would answer.
He took a deep breath and paced. Then he spoke suddenly,” I’m sorry I am not in the position to take one’s hand in marriage. You are an ally of mine, but I must decline.” She fell to the ground and looked up at him, unable to see his face due to his hoodie obstructing her line of sight. In his hand he held a dagger, bloodied after shoving it in her belly after the hug. He looked at her and stared and she told him to leave. After he left, she jabbed the dagger a bit more into her, hoping it would take her life. The scars had not healed and the last thread of hope was broken.
Walking out, he still couldn’t believe what he had done. Looking back at the room, his hands bloodied by the blade, he realized what he did and went to his room silently.
The SP House
Chapter 1: Paradise Lost
Looking out into the horizon, the sun slowly disappeared, it’s warm embrace being replaced by the cool, quiet moon. The sky, once blue and vast, changed to orange, red and purple and then to black, then allowing the stars to shine through. Looking down, she saw the foggy depths of the abyss, but the familiar sound of waves crashing could be heard. Down there, one could fall and die after splattering among jagged rocks, or even survive and end up in the water, just to wash up on shore and try to get back home tired and groggy. And disappointed…
Those rocks were speckled in blood from multiple attempts to off themselves. Most of them were never seen again. Most though, they made it out alive and swam back to the grand house, even though it was a mansion, it was called the SP House. Built from the sweat and blood of many suicidal and depressed people. They would live in the tents, work on the large building, and commit to this monotonousÂ cycle.
After it’s completion, many different rooms were set up. Vast rooms set up for everything they needed. Bedrooms, lounges, a kitchen, an indoor gym even. Outside a pool was set up if one didn’t want to go to the beach nearby. People set up rooms for socializing, with TV’s to let them watch and listen to music if they’d like. In the gym, it was more exercise than conversing, but everyone was welcome anywhere.
She stood there, eying the beautiful full moon, and all the stars that kept it from ever being lonely. Her name, she believed, was insignificant and resorted to naming herself Nobody. She stood there cold, wishing she could feel a warm embrace back home, but she wasn’t feeling very social all the same. Her phone buzzed with questions of asking her about her emotional and mental status, but she ignored them. The foggy depths were a mystery to her and she worried about her possible consequence of doing so, but she thought enough, she was ready to jump…
Walking along the shore, he spotted the moon, so lonely and beautiful. As he watched it, he spotted a lone figure atop the cliff, looking as if it were getting ready to jump! Running, he made his way to the path leading up to the cliff’s edge.
Sending a message on his phone to friends in the SP House, he told them to do a head count and to find Sally. As soon as the message was sent, he ascended from the darkness in the foliage and made his way to the summit. Along the way, the sights of the past he had were there as he went up.
A common tradition for the SPers of the SP House was to leave valuables that were from there past onto that path, to help deter bad thoughts of suicide and to remember the things you have done that were meaningful. As he went up, he saw old baby pictures of himself, an old blanket he barely remembered, love letters to a girl, a stuffed dog named Buddy and other valuables. As he went up, his psyche was drained and the memories stressed him out and he began having trouble keeping his composure.
He ascended quickly, and began slowing, at one point his back began to ache and his limbs gave way keeping him at a steady crawl on hands and knees. His muscles burned as he attempted to climb up and the memories burned into him as he saw things of his past that hurt him. Tears in his eyes, he slowly moved to the top. As he touched the summit, he saw a black-hair covered head disappear over the cliff. Running to the edge he looked down and saw nothing, he couldn’t hear thanks to the roaring waves. Walking back home, tired and sad, he turned off his phone and silently made his way to his home…
Leisurely moving through the foliage, he tripped along roots and scrapped against branches and leaves and his arms cut up by it, but it barely reached his mind. He was physically and emotionally drained, he felt a numbness run through him, so strong these scrapes and cuts were not felt. His emotional pain was gone, and if he felt it, then he would be ripping his eyes out. This girl, he developed strong feelings for, and she left him alone in this place. He felt more buzzing coming from his phone and he read the first two words on it, so familiar and saddening… “I’m sorry…”
Chapter 2: Assumptions, lies, and theories…
Sitting alone in the gym, in the very corner where the lights never reached, he stayed there writing and thinking. This gym, normally quiets an a library, with few people whispering to one another was rowdy and obnoxious, speaking of the most ridiculous things. People spoke up about a holiday where no one wore a specific article of clothing, ideas on how to organize who sleeps where as more people were coming in after successfully leaving their old lives behind them.
Occasionally, his ears perked up after hearing her familiar name, but it was just stupid ideas about her actually running away or faking her own death and leaving the notes behind in an elaborate conspiracy. These were often accompanied by brief moments of silence and no one arguing against that theory. He misheard something about a girl possibly faking her own life story and pretending to be a person with cancer just for the sexual satisfaction. Quickly dismissing it, he got up and left out of sheer loneliness.
Making his way to another room, it had a big white “f” on the front door. Opening the door, it was blue and white all around. Papers on the wall allowed people to write on it and others to make comments on the written things. This was helpful when people looked for something to do, as jobs were available there, but many people thought it to be a place for people lacking attention to get some.
Sitting, and practically living in the room was a somewhat familiar creature sitting and typing away. A man, not even worthy of such a title, sat with the word “immortal” sprawled across his back. “I heard another retard jumped. Good riddance.” He spat at Nate. ” Well you’re still here, so I deem that statement false.” Glaring angrily at the “man”, he watched as the man resumed his typing after an angry sigh. ‘It’s a good thing, though that she did. All she did was take up space.” Nate responded with a fake smile,” we’re still talking about you right?”
Standing up, not typing he looked back,” Now how would you like it if I wrote in her handwriting and told everyone they are idiots and they should follow her because she’s dead?” Silence, then he resumed.” Good, now that I have your atten…” Whack! Falling to the floor with blood coming out his mouth, crimson stains left on his monitor, he stumbled into the floor. ” HOW DARE YOU SMACK ME YOU INSOLENT PEST!!!” SLAM!!! Nate stormed out of the room angrily.
Taking a nap in his own bed, he closed his eyes, wishing it was for good…
Soon awakening, he got up and saw a note he didn’t notice that night. It was from Nobody, an anonymous message, but he knew it was Sally. reading it over, he felt a sharp pang in his heart and then felt it turn black. Moving to the gym, he could hear the rowdiness hadn’t died down.
People spoke and yelled hr name, many of them angry shouts. Some accused her of hiding in the foliage, without any evidence of their accusations. They had no noose either to string her up if she were lying either. Notes on the wall of the gym, speckled in crimson from the “man”, written nearly perfectly identical to hers spoke harsh words to the people.
He cleared his throat and then spoke out to the roaring crowd.” SHUT UP! The sadistic bastard with immortal on his back wrote these.” People spoke out and accused him of lying. Assumptions and theories with no clear evidence were being spat back at him, most not making a hint of sense. ” Look at the context, it’s a forgery. People do that when they want to lie, or cause trouble!” yelling continued soon after and more ludacris statements involving aliens, unicorns, and cancer began to spew out of this social deathtrap.
He left the room, the sounds of yelling made their way to the dining room where he ate soup in silence. The solids in the food plopped into the water and floated back to the sides, and none of the piece hit the other solids. Reminded him of the cliff for some reason…
I have felt little to no emotion as of late. I am confused. Possibly insane. Nothing in this world, nothing,Â I cannot understand. Try as I might, I cannot figure out my way out of my corner. The maze in my head. This is my DARK ABYSS. I guess. Shannon being dead couldn’t be registered emotionally, I could feel no emotions. If this is numbness, then holy shit thats awesome since I feel absolutely nothing anymore. It makes me so confused though.
Where the hell am I. My flashlight left me. Flashlight where’d you go. It’s dark and lonely. (Just a random thought in my head.)
Well, I’m confused and even though I should see a psychologist of some sort. Well I just can’t. If I did see one, then the military wouldn’t let me in due to them checking my medical records and find something wrong with me. If I try to join and dont go to a psychologist then I will have to figure out how I can personally keep myself sane… alive… keep myself well until I go into the military service. I am already having trouble dealing with it all as of now.
People have conversed and explained different things. How they lie about the benefits of the military, how it would be bad for me to join in this mental/emotional state. I can’t really figure out what the truth is. Same with Shannon. People are so cynical thinking she lied about her attempted suicide (I know she attempted), and that she is actually immortalbae, the sadistic moron who hacked her account. It pissed me off that they called her words bullshit… Recently anger is the only emotion I can thoroughly feel. Everything else is mostly gone.
I wish to visit Shannon in Canada and finally see her in the flesh. Rather than through lenses in computers. How can I join the military and be with her? I would have to choose and the military seems like a worthy future to me. She could go off to college and whatnot since she is such a smart girl. I could call her and whatnot during my military service and if I find out she kills herself, then end it at war. That had been my plan all along. Shoot myself while in the military service, or let the enemy shoot me. Or survive and go to college. The sad thing is she shunned me on tinychat and made me anxious and hurt, just a bit. Nervous about it, talking about me. Like a lost puppy, I walked off to hide in my corner as I wonder whats whats wrong. Whatever then.
Why am I still depressed? Is it that I need affection? Is it something from my past? Or is it just me?
It could be that I need to be with a physical significant other. Why not ask someone at your school? I can’t, it’s hard and nearly impossible for me to ask a girl out in person, the only way that I feel it would be right to do. When my mind gets put on the spot though, it shuts down. Someone asks me a question, and I can’t concentrate. Makes me wonder if its because everyone in my generation has been given the title the Entitlement generation. We believe we are entitled by birth to get the things we want. Working hard is all we need to do. If we do a crappy job but keep trying we deserve an A.
Makes me not really want to try and that causes me to pass all my classes and not be ready for college because i stopped trying.
Generation Entitlement. I need to remember that word. Entitlement EnTiTlEmEnT. This post deserves an A, even though it makes no sense at all… I don’t know if it really makes sense…
Not muvh else to say.
Been on SP chat a lot. New faces everywhere… Sorry if its long, this’ll keep you occupied for a while
If you want my past look at previous posts.
I choked a lot and now its really making me forget, I’m gonna try to not do it anymore though. If I can since I don’t want to end up brain dead yet. Or forget any more of my memories, its hard enough trying to remember shit. I noticed that Stacey girls post and thought “the desperate teens are here” and its crazy how media fucks us up. I am fascinated with guns and really wanna join the army. There are girls blackmailing their boyfriends cuz they are leaving and getting themselves pregnant to stay together forever. That is a stupid idea, sorry to day and if you find offense to this then buzz off because I am on a rant now,,,
That post just angered me and I’m having mood swings because I’m easily influenced emotionally and mentally by anything like media, writings and tv shows or even music. If i watch a show with detectives and investigations I start observing crap and wondering about that stuff. That is among the ways i end up feeling different. Could be that I’m bipolar. I get obsessed with the idea of love just like some people and i think I have OCD in some shape or form due to it. I got obsessed with Nycolle before and then with my cousin.
I am having trouble remembering things and I’m very confused due to my choking habit. You see, I’m not restricting the passage of oxygen into my lungs, but oxygen enriched blood into my brain causing quick blackouts and making me forget. I have a very odd form of slef harm or a means of coping. I use my hands since i fear that if i use a rope or shoelace or whatever it may hold me for too long and worse consequences may occur.
You may notice in a paragraph or two that I may end up having a brainfart and not know what to say and end it there because thats a side effect of it. Possibly…
I would like to see a psychologist but my fear of not being able to join the US military keeps me from doing that. I fear they would check my medical records and find that I am not suited for the military. If only if I had a means of coping then I could go on with ease hopefully. I want to take medication but I fear being alone in the world and dont want to be stuck living in my parents house for years and years. Military service will give me experience, show me if i truly want to pursue a militant career, give me training that can get me into PMCs, help pay for college, and give me time to think about the rest of my life. Oh and also the idea of someone trying to make sure im dead is a better alternative than failing a suicide attempt out here.
I need to get a girlfriend because i have days when i feel deep sadness and depression or some other feeling where I’m VERY lonely and wish to physically be with someone. I flirt on the internet or texting people I don’t know but its only a small means of coping. I even had flirted with other SPers and one has fallen for me for the second time. That makes me fearfu as my OCD will cause me not to want her because she’s not skinny enough or pretty enough…
I believe that if I wasn’t so anxious around girls, I would be an asshole with many different girlfriends over a few years… I don’t like my current mindset, thoughts, emotions and all that.
Just to help you understand, I don’t think I’m suicidal as of current. I accept death as it seems like the perfect idea since I’m too fucked up to get better. Worst part is a part of me really does not want to get better at all. I feel that i want to have different disorders under my belt as if they were trophies on a wall. To show I’m more fucked up than anyone else, and possibly to show that it is very hard for me to get better…
I understand I can only make myself better by trying but I lack any motivation to do so. I am the rock in my path and its not easy to get myself out of the way… since its always in front of me keeping me in place. Bad analogies i know
Anyways I have been on SP chat and I had kind of lied to people hoping I would believe that I had split personality disorder and end up having it cuz im so into the idea of brainwashing myself. I might be a compulsive liar like the rumors about oancu have come up…
I wanted to believe that Rogue Shadow was my cynical, intelligent, and pessimistic. He is the depressed side of me. Theres another side thats happier, he’s dull though and he has faith in humanity, but he knows the dark side of it. Too bad I’m pretty sure its a lie. Anyways I still get bipolar in that sense I just aint in any psychology classes and diagnose myself wrong. Maybe I am a bit of a hypochondriac…
I don’t know if some of this isn’t making sense since I am confused as well but would love some comments. Don’t ask me to hold on longer, because that’s what I’m doing and since I was 12-ish it hasn’t really helped all too much! So thanks for listening people…
I’m 17, senior in high school, Ventura high school, California.
If I were to get diagnosed with all the things wrong with me at a psychologist person. Would I still qualify for the army?
I want to die, it seems like a viable option. You can tell me everything will get better but since i was 12 or so things did not get better. I am now 17 trying to hold out, but it gets harder and harder every day. You can tell me something witty now that will stick in my head for the night, but tomorrow I will go through the same phase, thats what life has gotten to. Try as I might, this curse called depression won’t escape me. Nor, with my current mindset, do I want to leave the depression since its my normality, since I have been depressed most of my life.
So tell me something to make me feel better and I shall feel better tonight, but tomorrow you will do the same. Or you can say I don’t know what to say and we will leave it at that.
Don’t worry, during school I shall wear my mask and avoid cracking under the pressure.