My life was once full of joy and laughter. i would smile every day. but one day, my parents began fighting. And to a 14 year old girl it seemed really bad. My mother would cry everyday. My father would continue to drink and smoke as much as he could. I would begg him to stop.. he wouldnt listen to me.. no matter how much i begged and cried. At the age of 15 my mother and i left home for a week just to get into a pecefull inviernment, and then we went home.. 2 days after we got home.. the fighting began. It was 3 days before Christmas.. my mother told my father that she wanted a divorce.. i was sad and scared.. i blamed myself for half there fights.. i would cry myself to sleep every night.. and at the age of 15 i was raped and malested.. it felt like i was being stabed with 1,000 sharp dagers.. then i began to cut my body.. never my wrist.. that would be the one place my parents would look.. id cut my stomach, legs, back, and sides. I wouldnt cut deep enought though.. i was always to afraid that id cut to deep and be taken to the hospital. i didnt want anyone to know. This is something that i needed to do to get rid of the pain. It came to a point where i had to look in the mirror and say to myself, “I will not Break! i will shut this world away!! i’ll Survive!” I had to say this almost every day just so i wouldnt slit my throat. I needed to find some type of love, some type of kindness. i needed it, i yearnd for it. So one day.. i gave in to my boyfriend (now my ex) i let him do anything he wanted to me. Half way into it i changed my mind and told him to stop.. he didnt listen and just keped on going. I hated it. but in my mind i thought this was the only way anyone would ever love me. so i let any guy i knew do it. i was smart in one way.. i made sure the guy was clean. so i wouldnt get sick. but now the regret of what ive done scars me.
 I look around and ask myself “what was i thinking?” but i just wanted love. i needed it to give me a reason to live. but it wasnt the answer. i was such a beautifull lie. Now i am 16 years old. next month ill be 17.. hopefully. As u can see i havent died yet. but i think the only reason is because dont want to scare my girlfriend and boyfriend. Yes i have both because im bie. Another reason i wanna end it all. A get picked on dayly because of that. but they told me if i die. they will fallow me. They would take there life just to spend eternity with me in limbo (dont believe u go to heaven if u comit suicide) so for now.. i live.. but i live in pain. i live in sorrow. sometimes i wish i did kill myself.. so i wouldnt have to suffer anymore pain.
Now im going throught more then im saying to you, i figure if ur reading this ur not in a great headspace either. Im Desprate for salvation!! i just want peace! is that so hard!? i just wanna stop crying myself to sleep and cutting up my body! i want my smile back.. i just dont know how much longer ill last….. my heart is black… ther is no going back.. </3
2 comments
Is it home that’s troubling you? If it is, then call child protective services, they will probably make your parents get counseling… Or if not, then just let them get a divorce. Trust me, seeing them fight is worse than them actually splitting up. But I don’t know the future. So just call child protective services. You’re living ina very unsafe enviroment.
I personally think bis are awesome, and I have a lot of bi friends. They ae amazing. Don’t forget that. And many famous people are bi. Drew Barrymore, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, Katy Perry and did you know that Angelina Jolie is too?
You’re 17(in a month), and you’ll just have one more year, until you can leave.
But just beware, suicide thoughts might or might not go away after you leave.
So plesae, suggest counseling to your parents, if they don’t listen, then call child services, explain to them about suicidal thoughts, your home enviroment, parents, etc. If they don’t listen to you, then go to the school counselor or tell a trusted adult such as your favorite teacher, Grandma, Aunt, a sibling or cousin that’s over age 18, your friends’ moms, etc.
The most important things to do right now is to
-change your home enviroment
-get therapy/counseling.
You can tell 2 or 3 close friends about it, tell them to anonymously report it, and then you’re off to the mental ward, which isn’t quite bad… You’ll receive counseling there, and maybe your parents will realize how much damage they’ve done to you.
Good luck girl, and don’t give up. You never know what happens after you die. You never know who’s gonna miss you or where you’re gonna go. If you die, things might change for the worse between your parents. You never know. You’re just starting your song, wait til it finishes. Don’t you wanna stay for the grand finale of your story?
thanks for what you said.. it actually made me smile. but.. i cant do anything.. my mother knows.. she just yelled at me and said cut the crap basicly.. i dont think she blelived me at all when i told her.. i got so upset at that carved a gient X over my heart.. i was screaming saying “llieing!? you F***in think im lieing?! fine! ill prove it so youll believe me!!!” i regret it now because whenever i look in the mirror i just cry.. but.. counseling doesnt help me.. it makes me feel worst.. therapy did the same.. i think im a lost cause.. and i dont get or diserve a grand finale…