Well…this is me…

I’m 16 and i have wanted to die for the longest time. Where to begin…well the feelings started in 2004 (8 years old) after my dad almost died from a staph infection. Then my grandma got colon cancer that spread making her heart bigger  (because of the work it was doing) they put her into surgery an her enlarged heart stopped and she died but the doctors recessitated her…when she woke up she didnt remember who i was…or my mom…which really hurt me. She went into remission and was fine until recently. But before that even happened my grandpa was screwing hookers on the side and stuck with a lady named Karen who later on tried to steal money from us. In 2006 my aunt lived with us…but she was an alcoholic (supposed to be clean….but i cleaned up the bottles and made her take showers b4 my mom got home so she could stay with us) One day when we got home from school she was getting into her car and she said…im leaving call your mom or watever….see ya…she abandoned me and my sister leaving me to care for her for 2 days by myself….i was 10 and she was 8. My uncle is an alcoholic too…im just happy im not his kid…he beats them. My grandpa on my dads side died that same year of cancer… everything was going good for a year when my mom had her friends and their kids over for a week. Their oldest son sort of made me touch him…then he touched me back…but whatever…My parents used to do alot of drugs with my dad as i grew up…i could smell pot all the time from my room. But they are not bad people…they quit or just hid it better when they caught me smoking it once at age 12. Then everything was fine again until 2009…my grandpa decided to get back into our lives…i only saw him 3 times before he died…he had stomach and pancreatic cancer…my mom brought us to the hospital and i sat there 15 years old and watched him stop breathing. My grandma died feb. 2010…same way…but breast,bone,lung,and colon cancers,it sapped all her energy and she starved to death…she was hallucinating in her own world…she thought i was 6 years old again…but ive been living to die forever it seems….i just cant even breathe anymore…it hurts to think…i just want out…i have been cutting since 2008…but only to where a t shirt and shorts would cover…i have a serious eating issue…i get sad, i eat, i look at how much im eating, get sad, i eat….over and over and over again…i weigh over 300lbs…i just cant look at myself anymore…i dont want to be here…my goal everyday is to make someone laugh…just one person…that is the only way i think ive stayed sane…but now that christmas break is here…i have no one to see laugh…i feel worthless…i…just cant take it…