Objectively one could say I’m pretty (I even hear gorgeous and beautiful a lot. Sexy, more than anything – I’m 5’6″, 115#, 32DD-25-35, blonde hair, blue eyes), I’m intelligent, educated, I have a high paying job with a lot of responsibility, I’m funny, well read, “street smart”, I have a fantastic memory, I learn quickly, I’m kind, empathetic, understanding, open minded, thoughtful, loyal, honest and passionate. But what good has all that done for me??? I am totally alone. my heart feels like it is filled with shards of glass. I know that no one in this world can be trusted, or counted on. I don’t even *want* to count on anyone, or be a burden. If I found out I had cancer, I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I wouldn’t have it treated if it were going to mean that I needed someone to help care for me. I would rather die than worry my family or make them feel obligated to help me. I’d really rather die than just about anything….I don’t believe there is anything in this world good enough to balance all this pain and betrayal and emptiness….In 33 years all I’ve found is that when I think things are fucked up, I’m right, and when I think things are great, they are either fucked up and I don’t know about it yet, or they will end up that way shortly. Nothing good ever lasts, but the pain is always there. The crushing weight on my chest as I breathe. I am so exhausted from just existing, it seems impossible that I could draw another breath, and yet, I can’t stop breathing, even though I want to. Anytime I’ve tried to explain any of this to anyone besides my one true friend, people just blow me off and tell me “it’s not that bad” , “things always get better” , “you’ll find someone, you deserve it”, “you don’t really want to die or you wouldn’t be talking about it”…God!! I’d like to kill myself just to make people take me fucking seriously!!! I nearly did it this weekend but I happened to have a friend over who would NOT leave! She saw me breakdown cuz I just couldn’t maintain anymore. I tried to explain to her what I was going through. And like always, she argued with me, tried to talk me out of it, minimized everything I’ve been through, then made it about her and how it made *her* feel, when I feel this way and SHE ends up crying. WTF?!?! Really??? And 3 days later she’s still bringing up things I said and twisting my words into how I somehow said she was a bad friend because I couldn’t stand feeling guilty for making her sad by telling her what was going on inside my head. I should have just kept my mouth shut but it’s so hard to hold on to every little strand of fear and suffering and guilt, eventually they start to slip through the cracks, someone notices and I end up feeling worse than ever because I’m causing them to suffer by suffering…..IT NEVER ENDS!!!! I’ve never seen anything to make me think that life will ever change, and I can’t bear to go on and on like this for another who knows how many years. I just can’t. All I can think about is stabbing and cutting and crushing and bleeding and tearing myself to bits. And I’m ashamed of such irrational thoughts, though I know it’s partly biological (major depression – medication resistant) and partly because I was raised by a drug addict and left to sleep on concrete floors and not fed for days because I’d been forgotten about. I’ve pulled myself out of that hell and gotten a respectable job helping others and making great money, done all of the things “normal” people are supposed to do….And none of it means anything. None of it makes me feel whole, or valuable or worthwhile. I feel like “drama”. Like a damage case. Totally fucked up. Why on earth do I go on at all?????
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sorry to hear that you have those problems. i think some of it is from what is taught about suicide and the suicidal it gets to people and they make alot of open statements about how if the cuts are visible it could be for attention if they talk about it that they are looking for help and advice. alot is coming down. i dont want to touch topic cause its your life. feeling empty is shit something missing something not going the way we’d like.
I understand exactly how you feel. I’m also 33 but male. I’ve always done good and people say I got it better than most. I worked for the same company from 21-30 years old and made good money, then I got my DREAM job. Although things are slow because of the economy, I know pretty soon things are going to get better. I work in the international cargo trade industry. And although I have good friends and family, buy nice things and go out pretty often, I’ve never felt whole. I feel so sad, so often, as is i’ve missed something good by mere moments. I wish all people were good and I do what I can to make people happy but somehow it’s never enough. I always wish that people would work together to make each other happy but I’ve learned that in this world, that will never be. If you try to tell people your troubles: Half don’t care and the other half are happy that it’s happening to you. Everyday I wake up feeling like today will be better but it’s not. It’s a never-ending cycle of good and bad and will continue until the day I die. So i say, why prolong it, cut the b.s out and go where it is we go after. I’m not very religious but I know there can’t be a place of more suffering than here on earth. Every time I read or hear of someone committing suicide, I can’t help to think: they did it, wow, that could be me. But I also read about the “people they left behind”. There will always be people directly and indirectly affected by a suicide. I could never let myself be responsible for causing good people more pain, sorrow, and torment as I know most people in this world are suffering every day. If you or anyone want to connect or talk my email is thexwolf@aol.com
im sorry. like respect, but your life sounds shit. i hate everyday, but you make me look pathetic. and i must say that you just 100% backed up my beliefs… my beliiefs that i would regret ever telling anyone anything. not a single person in the world knows about anything i think or feel. i even go by an alias name on this, and even made a fake hotmail to sign up with beacuse im so afraid of revealing myself. and admitting to myself really. but anyway. that was a massive long post and conmendable effort on getting all your thoughts out so orderly, when i try to its just turns out a mess… anywho..