Have you ever feel like a wasted potential?
I know that we’re all here for different reasons or factors. But as a failed 40 years old musician from Indonesia, despite everybody telling me that I’m musically very talented (I compose/write songs/music too; used to have a band & perform quite a lot in many stages & events, although just small ones), but here I am now just being a nobody/nothing & basically to be honest a failure/loser who is just rotting away.
A lot of people have told me that I’m smart, a ‘deep’ person, unique, different, a kind/good person, empathic person, etc etc etc. But everything it all doesn’t matter, because in the end, the harsh reality is here I am now I don’t know what to do anymore.
I hate to say this, but maybe my life being quite a privileged one (or even pampered/spoiled) might ironically be one of the main causes for me becoming like this. But on the other hand, I know it’s also not that simple. I do admit that mainly it’s all because of my own faults/mistakes too: I’ve made wrong decisions, or more like inactions, being indecisive, missing all the good chances/opportunities when I was young back then a long time ago. It’s like my personality & characters is more like a curse than a blessing. My ‘dark side’ seems to have won over my ‘good side’, sadly. And this includes (ironically again) my almost obsessive, autistic curiosity to read & find out by myself a lot of ‘deeper’ (& darker) things about life, this world, philosophy, existence, reality, etc etc (mostly from the internet/online, well, reddit being one of them for example). I know it’s stupid & ridiculous that what I’ve read all these times have actually causing my own downfall (I don’t even know anymore if it’s ironic or tragic or just basically another pointless, meaningless, & random things happened with no purpose, at least in nihilistic way of seeing life & this existence).
It’s really sad, crushing, frustrating, heartbreaking, & depressing, when I see almost everybody else or people seems to get ahead in their lives; while here I am just too depressed now (been diagnosed with major depression two years ago) to do anything, mostly because I honestly, seriously think/feel that maybe everything it’s already too late now, to fix everything, since I’m not that young anymore, and also I’ve wasted so many good opportunities & chances. I don’t know. I feel like a big, total failure/loser, but it’s just so ironic & tragic that I’ve basically become such a waste potential (or wasted talents). I feel like a waste trash or a waste of oxygen that should not exist, but still exist anyway..
Sorry if this got too long
Have anyone here perhaps also relate & feel like a wasted potential too? I would love to hear your stories, thank you.
5 comments
Right here ^
Toxic workplace and I’m a loser again. Depression is never -ending. I want to die but idk what I’m going to do yet. Wish Gaga would put “you’re so awesome” after “grow up”
In 911
Wasted Potential = Story of My Life -_-
It is the reason for my crushing depression.
man I think you just wrote my biography (epitaph). Everything you said I feel on a daily painful basis. Before I spout on about my stupid story I wanted to say that if you’re a musician or a creative artist of any sort, remember that almost every great artist felt like a failure in their lifetime. In some cases like van gogh or emily dickinson, they never sold or published anything in their lives but now their work is immortal. Maybe that’s inspiring or maybe it’s even more depressing but either way, I guess the word ‘failure’ is completely subjective.
ok my stupid story… you know what, actually nah it’s not even fucking worth it. Basically the same, grew up being told how exceptional I was (and at that age I truly was) and that led to a sense of privilege. Not that I had anything but I felt like I had the good life coming. surprise, it never happened.
I also relate to stuffing yourself with knowledge, books, philosophy, art, the works… And the result is darkness. If you’re familiar with JD Salinger, there’s a short story called A Perfect Day for Bananafish where a guy talks about a mythical bananafish that swims into a reef and eats & eats & eats until it puffs up like a big banana but then it can’t fit back out and dies there. I think this is what he was talking about. Some of us soak up ‘existence’ like a bananafish and the result is we can’t find our way out. As if you needed another depressing thought for the day…
I’ve felt like a disappointment and waste of potential most of my life, but more recently I’ve started to think the problem is external. I use this metaphor a lot, that I feel like a highly tuned race car without any roads to demonstrate my ability on.
One of the few exceptions is in terms of pure creativity. I’ve always been artistic, drawing, writing, singing. Somewhere in my late teens I decided that I wasn’t good enough at drawing to develop it as a marketable skill. A big part of that is that I have a cousin close to me in age, and the only major difference between us is that he went after that drawing thing. He’s an art teacher now, which is pretty cool.
So pretty early I didn’t want to compete for the family’s attention on visual art. I never got far enough with any instrument to chase it as a marketable skill. I don’t know how to stop singing, it’s just one of my favorite things. But I can write! Something I get positive feedback on pretty constantly is my writing ability.
So, begs the question, why am I not chasing that as a career? That’s the one area I blame myself; I don’t have the inspiration or energy to chase writing a decent book. Yes, I use the excuse that the market is absolute garbage, but if I was really confident in my abilities I could push through that.
Most of my life though has been about trying to find a “normal” job. I spent about ten years in mental health, which is what my undergrad degree is in, and I’m a published researcher in the field. In the end I couldn’t find a goal worth continuing to pull myself through that career. I had wanted to become an administrator of some sort of inpatient facility, but the work to do that….. I felt like it was a waste of effort.
So now I’m instead trying to cash out directly. I’m prepping for grad school in a field I’m only doing because I feel like a few hundred thousand dollars would make my life substantially more comfortable.
I’ll always be wasting some of my skills, the scope and range of my abilities is too wide for that not to be true. What is there going to be? A job that encapsulates my technical abilities, social science education and creativity? I don’t see it, it’s a fantasy.