I’ve struggled with depression and substance abuse since I was at least thirteen years old. It all seemed to have a purpose back then. I’m not normal, I’ll just make that clear right now, I have always seen things differently, whatever that means. I am an unaccomplished musician, an unaccomplished writer, and sick to death of spending each day working a trade with guys twice my age. I’m turning twenty seven in a week or so, the age I had originally set out to end my life assuming I was a big rock star by that time, well what happened? I’ll tell you, I’ve smoked a pack a day since I was fourteen, done more drugs than Jimmy Hendrix, and now I am so far down the hole of alcoholism that if I quit now it’ll probably kill me, hmmm.
Suicide used to be a romantic scene so far in the future that it was almost make believe. Now it seems closer, like an old and creepy friend waiting at the end of your lane way, smoking a cigarette and saying ‘Remember me? We have business you and I!’ It both scares me and relieves me. I always told myself that all I had to do was accomplish at least one thing, be it music or writing, and then if I really felt it was time- I could go. Now I am so depressed that I could fore-go the accomplishing anything stage and just find a way off this world.
A few months ago I quit smoking and then I tried to get confident and turn shit around, I even asked this girl out, she blew me off but was at least nice about it so no hard feelings. I’ve been smoke free for almost four months, yet I am drinking my liver into oblivion, and I want a smoke. It’s funny that I should be getting healthier yet I feel worse than I ever have. I had better not smoke because I might get lung cancer, yet I am posting my mind Diarrhea about how I am twenty days away from blowing my face into the wall behind me.
Anyways, I don’t know what this was suppose to be, definitelyÂ not a cry for help so no offence but I don’t need any Christians logging their community service to talk me out of it. Your efforts are better served on some fourteen year old posting the exact thing I would have said twelve years ago if I had the internet then. They’ll probably be all right so don’t lose too much sleep. Most people should not attempt suicide, embrace the pain you are feeling- Write a book, write an old friend, just remember it’s not permanent. For the rest of us, I don’t know what to say because I am in the same boat.
To be… Or not to be.