I’ve struggled with depression and substance abuse since I was at least thirteen years old. It all seemed to have a purpose back then. I’m not normal, I’ll just make that clear right now, I have always seen things differently, whatever that means. I am an unaccomplished musician, an unaccomplished writer, and sick to death of spending each day working a trade with guys twice my age. I’m turning twenty seven in a week or so, the age I had originally set out to end my life assuming I was a big rock star by that time, well what happened? I’ll tell you, I’ve smoked a pack a day since I was fourteen, done more drugs than Jimmy Hendrix, and now I am so far down the hole of alcoholism that if I quit now it’ll probably kill me, hmmm.
Suicide used to be a romantic scene so far in the future that it was almost make believe. Now it seems closer, like an old and creepy friend waiting at the end of your lane way, smoking a cigarette and saying ‘Remember me? We have business you and I!’ It both scares me and relieves me. I always told myself that all I had to do was accomplish at least one thing, be it music or writing, and then if I really felt it was time- I could go. Now I am so depressed that I could fore-go the accomplishing anything stage and just find a way off this world.
A few months ago I quit smoking and then I tried to get confident and turn shit around, I even asked this girl out, she blew me off but was at least nice about it so no hard feelings. I’ve been smoke free for almost four months, yet I am drinking my liver into oblivion, and I want a smoke. It’s funny that I should be getting healthier yet I feel worse than I ever have. I had better not smoke because I might get lung cancer, yet I am posting my mind Diarrhea about how I am twenty days away from blowing my face into the wall behind me.
Anyways, I don’t know what this was suppose to be, definitely not a cry for help so no offence but I don’t need any Christians logging their community service to talk me out of it. Your efforts are better served on some fourteen year old posting the exact thing I would have said twelve years ago if I had the internet then. They’ll probably be all right so don’t lose too much sleep. Most people should not attempt suicide, embrace the pain you are feeling- Write a book, write an old friend, just remember it’s not permanent. For the rest of us, I don’t know what to say because I am in the same boat.
To be… Or not to be.
5 comments
Hi,
definitely I’m not a Christian freak. I just typed “I don’t want to live any more” and ended up on this site. I guess it’s pathetic to look for consolation in people’s suicidal thoughts. That’s why I never agreed to attend support groups. Perhaps tonight I just can’t stand this loneliness any more, though my boyfriend is sleeping in the same room. I feel I don’t have a right to even touch him. I ruined his mental health, his plans for future and he still claims he can’t leave me because he loves me. I don’t know if I ever loved him. I just hope so. Relationships is just one of fields in which I failed. I reply to your post because you said you write. I feel that nowadays it is a kind of a shame to have such a hobby. I can’t imagine I brag to my friends: you know, I wrote an excellent poem today. I’m so proud of it. They would laugh at such an enunciation or ask to read out the poem to have a better reason for ridiculing me. It’s so hard to be an amateur without certainty of success. But I can’t help it. I feel I have an inner world, many worlds inside me – maybe that’s why I never managed to finish any of my stories or “novels”. I also always dreamt of becoming a pianist. I’ve learnt to play when I was a child but only at my cousin’s house or at the house of the music teacher from my school who was so kind to give me some lessons. My parents always refused when I asked them to buy me a piano, though they were rich people at that time. I’ve never forgiven them for that. Now I’m 24 – neither a writer, nor a musician. Only this voice inside wants to come out with the same determination. But I never have time to sit and write it down, I still don’t have money to buy a piano. Everyday I feel I waste my time pretending the person I am not. I’ve been studying for 5 years now at university and my mother wants me to start another faculty though I’m already finishing two others. She just thinks I’m such a loser that without bunch of diplomas I would never find a job. Yes mum, I’m jobless when all my peers spend money they earn for their hobbies. I feel that I will never break away from people who don’t understand me but who want to control me because, all in all, I may be useful for them. This way I can’t speak up, I just must be obedient, otherwise I’m ‘theatrical’, ‘drama queen’, ‘picky’, ‘moody’. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of this cage. Many times I made plans to go abroad, to Germany or Holland, but when it comes to details, I realize how hard it would be to start from scratch, on my own, but at the same time alone.
Sorry for my English. I’m not American nor British.
If you would like to talk to me outside this forum, my email: shedilah@o2.pl
Good night and good luck!
@shedilah: I swear that all that you’re saying could easily come out from my mouth too. It’s really amazing to see someone far in another country or continent can experience very similar feelings like I do (and I’m a Christian too, well, now at best an agnostic-spiritualist).
Regarding having “rich inner-world”, that’s also me, I view myself as a highly creative, artistic and imaginative person (which also explains my lack of focus and find it soo fucking hard sometimes to “live by society’s standard expectations” that’s often too bland, dull, ‘dry’, and boring to me anyway).
I might email you, perhaps we can talk and share and support each other through difficult times living in this fallible humanity.
Btw, I want you guys to do this, it might be really really helpful:
google now these two terms:
1. Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) free test. Click on the first link and do the test. See what’s the result come out.
2. Myers Briggs MBTI free test. Again, click the 1st link and just do the free Personality test.
also, try google “INFP”, and read on the description.
MANY of INFPs Personality Type are exactly that: highly artistic, imaginative, rich of inner-world, etc.
Trust me, I was introduced this test back 10 years ago when I was studying in LA, and I was shocked/surprised as how accurate the test result describing me, and even still until NOW!
And most of all, I know that I’m NOT alone, that there are also *many* INFPs out there, although yes, out of total 16 Personality Types, INFP only accounts for 2% of the whole world population. no wonder we might feel ‘alone’ and ‘nobody understand us’ !
But trust me that you’re not alone, you can even find online forum/community and join it, you’ll be surprised that there are so many “You” out there 🙂
i took that test tooo!!! i first took it in sociology in 12th grade. i tied between introvert an extrovert, but basically i was an INTP.
niki, I took the test and failed or passed and aced it or whatever. I am a basket case for kittens on a kite-string. And if you’re not, you’re a zombie like the rest, say, 95% of the population. And that’s what scares me. That’s why I want an exit. I can’t process emotions properly, nor can I understand the rest of the population that jerks-off to, say, the “Saw” film franchise. It makes me sick. And I haven’t even seen the movies: just 3 seconds of previews before I close my eyes and cover my ears. Anyone who gets off on other people tortured are sick. And there’s a lot of people out there like that. I do not wish to participate any longer. There is no hope for the human race. Not a news flash, no.