Bye Bye Mom

Bye bye mom. I will never get to see you again. Your cuddle bear is forever lost. Thanks a lot for thinking about me and Suzy and Katie and Dad before taking your life. GOD DAMN IT!!! I wish I would have listened to you more and cuddled you and loved you more. I am looking back through all our old emails and I see all the signs were there. You reaching out to me, to us. But I ignored each one. I just thought you were “doing your thing.” Being dramatic. That was my story about you. You were dramatic and you were a victim. I wanted you to be empowered in your life. Now I see that this was all about me. Not about you. What you needed was someone to help you cope with the things you were dealing with. You needed love and support. You needed help from me. And I failed. I will have to live with this failure the rest of my life. I know it’s not moral that I failed, its not bad. And its not good. But its definately impactful. One day when I have kids, they won’t ever know you as grandma. I will never go to share with you again when things are happening in my life. You gave the best advice and I am now cut off from that advice forever. If anyone is reading this who is contemplating suicide, please know: the people in your life do not know – REALLY I PROMISE YOU – how to give you what you need, or they would have done it. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I love my mom so god damn much. I miss my mom so god damn much. I was just not conscious. I was trapped in some silly story. I wasn’t being generous. I wasn’t being kind.