If I could describe myself in one word it would be a coward. There I said it. I can say I am a dreamer or a musician or even a free spirit, but the one thing that hides deep within me is the fear to take a step forward.
I would say when written down in stone……coward is the best explanation of my time in history. I came from a decent family and I have talents, intelligence, and skills. That doesnâ€™t mean shit if you donâ€™t have the balls to step out on your front porch and approach the day with determination.
For years I have been in misery trying to feel some void or hole that I thought could be filled with the presence of my mother who was never thereâ€¦.or the connection with my siblings which was never there. How about a taste of emotional connectivity with father? Not possible. I go from place to place trying to catch that comfort, that warm fuzzy feeling that everything will be okay. I understand now that I am lucky if I can grasp that emotion once a week for maybe a minute at a time.
I know happiness and tranquility is a state of mind, and no matter how much self-talk positive bullshit I feel into my brain, my soul is empty. I always go back to the same place. I am honestly terrified to take a step and I have no idea why. My confidence and self-esteem in non-existent and I have no idea why.
What happened so wrong my past that I canâ€™t even take one step? A small step. I know how this sounds to any reader that will read this on a lovely warm day when nothing can get in their way. I know. The truth of the matter isâ€¦..I have no choice but to let the buttons release me into a tiny slice of comfort.
I am the most Debby Downer, sad, pitiful person I know. I can be joyful funny charming and cute at my best, but the misery is what I am. I wish these feeling upon no one. Not even if you are a murdering racist nazi raper flame thrower.
I have the potential to be a wonderful great person. I feel itâ€¦.I know it. I am caring and sweet and have a wonderful sense of hope for this world. I lie and fantasize daily about being the traveling nurse helping in Africa or the biologist traveling and fighting global warming. What about the cook that grows her own vegetables and makes her own goat cheese. That would be lovely. Or lastly, am I supposed to be the inspiring musician performing for a wonderful cause in front of thousands?
I want to be all of these things. I want to be perfect. I know you can only choose one to work hard for but I want to be all of them. I have faith in my best person I can be all of them. I just need a miracle to get there. I pray to GOD every night with faith or without and still I never learn from my mistakes and I can never forgive myself neither.
I canâ€™t trust people and I am scared to be around them. I have never opened up to a man, but never had a chance toâ€¦really. I want love, peace, sex, compassion, pleasures, and health.
I donâ€™t know how or when I will get over this. If there is a God out there that reads typed letters of concernâ€¦.can you please help me? I have great potential and passion, but not guts. I am literally terrified of life. I am scared that the coward in me will continue to grow sucking out all of my heart.
I do not want to commit suicide or be depressed.
I am scared that a knife or a gun will be the cherries and cream cheese icing (my favorite) to my cake of life.