If I could describe myself in one word it would be a coward. There I said it. I can say I am a dreamer or a musician or even a free spirit, but the one thing that hides deep within me is the fear to take a step forward.
I would say when written down in stone……coward is the best explanation of my time in history. I came from a decent family and I have talents, intelligence, and skills. That doesn’t mean shit if you don’t have the balls to step out on your front porch and approach the day with determination.
For years I have been in misery trying to feel some void or hole that I thought could be filled with the presence of my mother who was never there….or the connection with my siblings which was never there. How about a taste of emotional connectivity with father? Not possible. I go from place to place trying to catch that comfort, that warm fuzzy feeling that everything will be okay. I understand now that I am lucky if I can grasp that emotion once a week for maybe a minute at a time.
I know happiness and tranquility is a state of mind, and no matter how much self-talk positive bullshit I feel into my brain, my soul is empty. I always go back to the same place. I am honestly terrified to take a step and I have no idea why. My confidence and self-esteem in non-existent and I have no idea why.
What happened so wrong my past that I can’t even take one step? A small step. I know how this sounds to any reader that will read this on a lovely warm day when nothing can get in their way. I know. The truth of the matter is…..I have no choice but to let the buttons release me into a tiny slice of comfort.
I am the most Debby Downer, sad, pitiful person I know. I can be joyful funny charming and cute at my best, but the misery is what I am. I wish these feeling upon no one. Not even if you are a murdering racist nazi raper flame thrower.
I have the potential to be a wonderful great person. I feel it….I know it. I am caring and sweet and have a wonderful sense of hope for this world. I lie and fantasize daily about being the traveling nurse helping in Africa or the biologist traveling and fighting global warming. What about the cook that grows her own vegetables and makes her own goat cheese. That would be lovely. Or lastly, am I supposed to be the inspiring musician performing for a wonderful cause in front of thousands?
I want to be all of these things. I want to be perfect. I know you can only choose one to work hard for but I want to be all of them. I have faith in my best person I can be all of them. I just need a miracle to get there. I pray to GOD every night with faith or without and still I never learn from my mistakes and I can never forgive myself neither.
I can’t trust people and I am scared to be around them. I have never opened up to a man, but never had a chance to…really. I want love, peace, sex, compassion, pleasures, and health.
I don’t know how or when I will get over this. If there is a God out there that reads typed letters of concern….can you please help me? I have great potential and passion, but not guts. I am literally terrified of life. I am scared that the coward in me will continue to grow sucking out all of my heart.
I do not want to commit suicide or be depressed.
I am scared that a knife or a gun will be the cherries and cream cheese icing (my favorite) to my cake of life.
4 comments
When you talked about your dreams.. It shows that you still have dreams, which is a plus. You know, if you really can’t find security, there is other ways to find happiness for your future. You could become self-sufficient, and grow your own food, live away from people. OR you might find someone with the same outlook on life, and they could join you. But then again, i don’t know how old you are.
If you are young, you should really tell someone your troubles, and seek help. Because there is always hope. Even if you can’t see it yourself. It’s like if you were to be blind, and things still exist around you, even if you can’t see them. You just have to keep going.
I think that when something really terrifies you, it’s probably the right step. Life can be a scary thing, especially with so many people in the world who keep making it worse. It is hard to trust, and there can be heartbreaking consequences, but it’s worth the journey. It will be hard, and you may get hurt, but that’s the only way you can learn, and grow into who you want to be. One heartbreak may lead you to your true love, or it will just make you love yourself all the more. Make a few wrong steps, nobody ever got it right the first time. It won’t be the end of the world to screw up, or make a wrong choice. That’s how you find the path your supposed to be on, trial and error. It will work out in the end. Accept your fear, embrace it even, and walk out of that door, terrified beyond your wits, and just do it.
If it doesn’t work out then there’s always next time, you always get a second chance, and third, and fourth. It keeps going unless you give up.
A coward, I think not…you had the courage to express yourself here. That’s phenomenal. At least you’re not in denial…so many people think they’re perfect and don’t take the time for honest self reflection. Can you find a councilor or life coach….someone to guide you. If you email me I could suggest someone who’s very good. clnrch7@yahoo.ca Perhaps this reply is God saying to you…”yes I understand your struggle and I’ve put this guy writing to you through all I have so he can pass on some support and let you know I’m looking out for you”…..You sound very sensitive, you may want to research Indigo’s…or starseeds. You sound a lot like me, a very pure heart. A good course correction for you is self compassion and kindness. Having difficulty with a challenge doesn’t mean it’s time to gang up on yourself and bring on the self loathing…it’s time for the exact opposite. Tender loving kindness towards yourself…we have so much difficulty with forming a good relationship with ourselves…no wonder it’s hard to talk to other people….that was a really inspiring post….and am really proud of you for fighting even though you’re scared and unceratin how to proceed….that’s so awesome! Cheers to you! Because you can admit your fear, the reality of things will guide you to the next step. Fear stands for FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. So focus on the joyful spirit in you and just follow the passion in your heart…..there is no wrong way….there’s only you accepting whole heartedly , YOUR WAY….trust, trust, trust…..Blessings to you. Feel free to email me if you need. Would love to be a support. Softsoul
I’m lucky if I get the warm fuzz feeling once a year. Have you tried doing something for yourself? Don’t get me wrong, you have admirable goals of helping others, but you come first.