I’ve been taking a psychology class at school.
We’ve been talking a lot lately about people who certain psychological disorders, mostly the basics. Schizophrenia, bipolar, BPD (borderline-personality disorder, which is something I was diagnosed with), oppositional-defiant, dependent-personality, PTSD (another one I was told I have), and just overall people with depression.
Apparently, there are certain requirements people have to meet in order to be called “SMI” which stands for seriously mentally ill, which I guess is just the proper doctor term for “this person is a fucking psycho”.
As my teacher was writing them on the board-the different symptoms-my mind started to wander around, looking for the things about me that classify me as exactly this. And boy did I find them, did I find a ton of them.
CRITERIA:
Distubing Behavior: I have cut before but that’s really the only about me that I suppose qualifies in this category. I mean I don’t talk to myself in public…only in private, and it’s not even to myself…Well, not exactly.
Interpersonal: I can’t hold a relationship with anyone for very long because I get so scared and I don’t trust people enough to let them in and be my friend. I keep to myself at all times. It didn’t used to be so bad when I had Drake and Alyson, even Jimmy, but now Alyson is dead, Drake is at college, and I won’t see Jimmy for another month, so I’m always alone. ALWAYS.
Thinking: (pretty much means impaired thoughts) I hallucinate myself as a little girl again, I hallucinate my book characters, I hear the voice of my rapist inside my head telling me to do bad things to myself. This is the group where I have the most symptoms in.
Family: My mother doesn’t know what to do with me, she doesn’t understand why I’m upset all the time. My brother ignores me completely most of the time and it hurts so bad I want to scream at him sometimes. My sister is…She understands more so why I am the way that I am. When I told her what happened to me, I told her why I didn’t tell anyone, to save her. She respects me more so for that I think, at least she doesn’t think I’m a complete freak.
These are just the ones we covered in class but there are plenty more. Because of this class I am actually beginning to like school, at least I am getting a better understanding of how certain things work in my brain, maybe even learn some knew practices to try and help me. I might need to talk to a counselor at my school, they seem better to talk too then any shrink I’ve ever seen.
I know I must seem insane, what teenager likes school THAT much?
I will tell you who: Someone who is seriously mentally ill.
5 comments
I know all about being alone. Do you disassociate? I do so to the point where I do not even know there is any humans beings around me, talking or breathing. I can hear them, and I can even hear that they are reacting to my displeasure of my own reactions to not wanting to be near anyone. People talk all the time. I tune everything out. I was taught to do this, through serve emotional and physical abuse. But it didn’t start there. I had wicked night-terrors and hallucinations as a child. This world has always terrified me. I no longer wish to participate. My desire to participate is all be gone and finished. All that’s left is guilt. All the “selfish” talk from everyone who says I would be so if I were to exit because I am in, and have been in, constant emotional torment.
I am not a teenager, so I cannot relate. But I can, but not really. My brain is stuck at 11 years-old (I never made it to my teenage years) the time I was taught to disassociate.
You’re not crazy. Wanting to understand yourself is a good thing not anything to be ashamed of. Really bad experience make you want to isolate yourself and shut yourself off and that’s totally normal. Obviously you’re probably never going to be comfortable with a lot of people around you but if you can try and find some people to talk to, not about what’s happened but if you can try to relate to some people on some level however superfical it may seem it can help make you feel more normal because being messed up by something traumatic does not make you mentally ill. It can seem impossible but try not to let this rule you or he wins, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Never be afraid to dream of a better future, even if your dreams fail then at least you’ll have something of your own and there is never any shame in trying. School counselor could be a good place to turn becasue they deal with people your age (I’m 19 not old) and if you try and trust them enough to talk and listen to them then I’m sure can help. Be strong and remember there is always a better future
I did the same thing in my psychology class. But the thing about SMI is that its pretty much only used for government statistics and the like. Focus more on your individual illness’s like BPD. I did my final report on Social panic disorder, good times before i dropped out of High School for the same illness
I took gen. psych in high school and when we covered the mental illnesses, I too felt the same way. When I took it in college, we went more in-depth with the illnesses, but before we started that chapter my professor told everyone to not use this knowledge to label others or yourself because you might be emitting more negative energy. If there are some similarities between the general description of each illness and your own behavior/situation, to talk to a professional about it. So even though your situation seems to line up with many of those who are seriously mentally ill, you might not be as mentally ill. Please talk to a counselor first before labeling yourself.
Thanks for all the comment guys. I’m glad you can all relate to me, it makes me feel less disassociated although I still am. At least I have some sense of awareness that there are human beings out there who know how i feel. other then that, people just dont seem to exist for me.